– Want to read what’s on the mind of Lesbian America’s Favorite Love Coach?  Click here to read Coach Sappho’s Blog

– Listen LIVE (and be coached) by Coach Sappho as she reveals her secrets to attracting and creating the relationship of your dreams – click here to learn more about Coach Sappho’s LIVE podcast.

– Click here for upcoming tele-seminars 

It felt great to talk with other lesbian singles about smart dating, selection of a partner, and maintenance of a healthy relationship. Your insights and materials were very helpful; and your sense of humor made my experience fun. - Susan, 53, retired teacher

Lesbians used to have few visible role models when it came to loving, respectful, long lasting relationships-until Coach Sappho, that is!

– Sandy, 43, Registered Nurse

On a web clogged with a lot of nonsensical rantings Coach Sappho feels refreshingly legitimate and genuine. – gay dating service owner

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One issue I always remind single clients about, BEFORE they choose to become overly invested in being in relationship with a particular woman is thinking about how they want to do so.  And, yes, the key part of this is that YES, we consent to every decision we make.  The problem with love relationships is that, often, it feels like we don’t have control.

So, how is it that many of us keep ourselves together when it comes to our careers, but then we lose it when it comes to love?  Most likely it is because, in our culture, women have been trained to put others first and think of themselves last.  This is a serious issue when it comes to formalizing a lifelong bond with another woman.  It’s an especially serious issue when it comes to being ready for the REAL thing: legal marriage!

If you truly desire to create a lifelong partnership with another woman, you must also be truly concerned about protecting your own, INDIVIDUAL interests within that relationship.  Ooooh, did I just hit on a BIG ‘invisible elephant’ in the room?  Don’t trample on me, I’m just the messenger…. 

One of the most frequently expressed reasons I hear single lesbians give for the failure of previous relationships is…

"I lost myself in the relationship"

So, it seems to me this issue of having a better sense of not only who you are and what you want but, also, knowing how to get it when emotions are high and much is at stake – is very important.

Where do you start?  A great place to begin is learning how to…

balance your head with your heart

What do I mean when I say balance your head with your heart?  Primarily, I mean be an active participant in your relationship, from day one!  This means going against the grain of what many of us are taught as ‘good little girls’. 

Niceness is not always nice, for you.  It usually means putting other’s needs, wants and requirements ahead of your own.  What’s the problem with this, you say?  Isn’t being nice important?

Where has ‘nice-ness’ gotten you, when it comes to love?   Has being nice both gotten you what you want or helped you create the type of relationship you truly want with another woman? 

I’ve seen so many cases where one or both partners in a relationship claims ‘my partner controlled everything’ and then, when I ask her how that happened she is not able to see her part in creating those conditions.  See, it’s so much easier to let someone else take the blame!

Letting someone else be ‘in the driver’s seat’ is a valid choice with rewards.  But, the consequences can be pretty steep.

Being an active participant in your partnership means, if you are of potentially ‘lesser power’ in your partnership – by way of age, income, investments, career, confidence or whatever – you MUST be ready to speak up all the time because you may be letting your partner take a more active role because you think of yourself as less than.  You are never ‘less than’ for any reason.

I am not even saying that more powerful partners do this intentionally (although some do).  I am saying that really satisfying relationships come about when YOU are feeling satisfied too, and usually we are more satisfied when it’s something you’ve created with your partner, instead of her ‘taking over’. 

I’ve tended to find that yes, we can feel satisfied when our partner is happy because we ‘did it her way’, but ultimately, that tactic doesn’t always work for us, if we let it happen that way too often.  And, when it comes to the major decisions in a relationship, you MUST be equally involved in decisionmaking, from the beginning, or, I can almost guarantee you that long term, you will be unhappy.

So, whether you are single or in a relationship, you need to remember that every deeply satisfying, long lasting relationship is really about nurturing three relationships:

• me
• you
• us

Unhappiness results from you giving up the me!  And it all starts by beliefs such as…

• I’m not as capable, important and worthy as anyone else (or I let someone convince me of such).
• She won’t love me anymore/find me sexy enough anymore, etc., if I am honest with her about what I think and feel.

It all starts with the ME:  You need to know what you require, need and want BEFORE you become more than casually involved with another woman.

So – what can you do today to think more of yourself as a worthy individual who has her own likes, dislikes, beliefs, ideas, values, etc.?

I also received an email yesterday from my friend Dan Furmansky, executive director of Equality Maryland, who reports that they’ve got a case very similar to New Jerseys, that will be heard by Maryland’s highest court, in December!  So, stay tuned.

Eventhough the righteous right blows alot of hot air and, there remains, in most places in the US, discrimination against gays in terms of their relationships and jobs, things are continuing to improve.  We’ve got a long way to go so, do what you can, every day, to move equality forward!  And that doesn’t mean you have to get active politically, you can do it right in your own backyard by being more authentic with your family, friends and, if you judge it safe, co-workers. 

Even if you aren’t willing to ‘be out’, for example, at work, (because you work in a state that doesn’t protect gays from being fired and your company doesn’t have gay-positive policies), you can still advance equality by speaking up if someone is expressing bigotry on the subject.  You can speak up and/or defend someone else who you know is out and gay in your company.  You can educate others about sexual orientation when you hear misinformation being spread.

And, ‘push the envelope’ with those in your family who are the most ‘neutral’ about supporting you to be who you are.  Or, if someone in your family is, lucky you, very supportive, take some time to thank them and, maybe ask them what the two of you can do to make it more ‘hospitable’ for you to be more yourself with your family.

Believe me – it’s worth it to your own self esteem and physical health.  The results are amazing – those who courageously speak up not only help themselves, they help the world become a more loving, better place for everyone.  Really! 

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Sign up for individual or couples coaching between now and 12/31/06 with Barb Elgin and Barb will donate 10% of your fee to the Juno Foundation, a non-profit helping lesbians with Cancer. 

That’s right!  As this is still Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I want to do something to help.  This past year, I started building a relationship with the ladies over at the Juno Foundation, a non-profit based in Orlando, Florida, whose focus is supporting lesbians with cancer.

Every February Juno holds a wonderful dinner and auction event at a nice hotel in Orlando.  This annual dinner is their major fundraiser for the year.   I attended my first one this past winter and had a great time.   I was honored to donate coaching scholarships for the silent auction.  I hear that attendance has been growing each year and it’s becoming quite the ‘dress up’ event for lesbians in Orlando/Central Florida! 

During the event, attendees got to meet one of Juno’s beneficiaries, an African American woman whose cancer put her in a wheel chair but didn’t deter her from coming to tell us about how Juno was helping her and her partner.  I don’t think there was a dry eye in the place.

This summer, I held a charity raffle at St. Pete Pride and named Juno as my chosen charity.  Juno provided me with some wonderful, informative brochures to pass out during the event and I believe many had their consciousness raised as to the prevalence of breast cancer in the lesbian community, and what to do about it.

So, it’s a natural that I would continue to support Juno’s work.  If you’ve been ‘sitting on the fence’ about signing up for coaching, perhaps 10% of your fee towards this worthy charity will get you off the fence!

Just be sure to mention you want 10% of your fee to go to Juno when you sign up for coaching!

Want to learn more about coaching and how it can help you?  Click here, here and here to get started!

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Coach Sappho? coming to a town near you in 2007?

Over here at Coach Sappho? we are continuing to prepare for 2007.  And, we need your help doing so.  I plan to bring ‘conscious dating and mating’ for gay and lesbian singles and couples to a town near you in 2007.  I will go where the interest is, so, let me know if you’d like me to come and speak or do a seminar. 

In fact, one of the events I am ready to roll out right now is a two day singles workshop on attracting your soulmate!  Sound juicy?  Let me know what you think.

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FREE Relationship Resources from Coach Sappho?:

Barb Elgin’s article series – For Women-Who-Love-Women: 10 Secrets to Creating the Relationship of Your Dreams by the Holidays - at many gay and lesbian web sites!

Don’t know if you noticed, but several gay and lesbian web sites have picked up my five part series, “For Women-Who-Love-Women: 10 Secrets to Creating the Relationship of Your Dreams by the Holidays”.  Right now you can catch Part Two at Lesbian Nation!

Coach Sappho Releases New, Five Part E-Course:  How to Find Your Life Partner and Her ‘Creating A Life I Love’ private website to the public

This past week I’ve made available to everyone two new, complimentary relationship and relationship-related resources, so, be sure to grab them while they’re hot:

• my intriguing, five part e-course ‘How to Find Your Life Partner’
• Coach Sappho’s Creating a Life I Love Club member site (which was previously for members only).

The e-course comes to your email box five consecutive days and the website is available anytime, using the password you will receive.  The Creating a Life I Love Club site is chock full of personal, relationship, career, financial, etc., life improvement resources.

Click here to sign up for ‘How to Find Your Life Partner’ now.

Click here to receive the link and password to Coach Sappho’s ‘Creating a Life I Love’ Club website now.

Catch Coach Sappho on Internet Radio Live!

And, don’t forget to listen in at the Lesbian Lounge at ‘Gay Internet Radio Live’ next Wednesday night (November 1, 2006), where I’ll be dishing some delectable advice during the ‘Just Say No to Lesbian Bed Death’ portion of the show.  I come on between 9:30-10p ET, but be sure to tune in at 9 to catch all of the fun.  The two show hosts, Donna and Denise, are a hoot!

Have a wonderful weekend!

Barb Elgin