I’m pleased to announce that Donna and I will be interviewing Lara Zielinsky, bisexual author of mature adult content lesbian and bi-women’s fiction, romance and erotica Thursday, April 29, 2010 from 7-8p ET on Coach Sappho’s Podcast.

Lara resides in the Orlando, Florida area.  Who knew we had such an interesting and accomplished author right in our midst!?!

Lara has been on a speaking tour promoting her new book

To Love and To Cherish: An Anthology of Lesbian Love and Marriage

And, she’s donating proceeds from sales of the book to the same sex marriage rights organization Marriage Equality USA.

Lara Zielinsky

Please be sure to join us Thursday, April 29th, 2010 at 7:00PM ET as we talk LIVE with Lara.  Coach Sappho’s Podcast is free to subscribers!

Whether you are single, dating or coupled, it’s time for YOU to begin the journey to experiencing more of what you want in your love life!   To help you continue your journey to a more amazing love life, I want to invite you to an exciting new tele-seminar I’m leading called

Coach Sappho’s ‘Secrets to Creating the Love Life You Deserve’ Tele-Discussion

You see, I’m sure you know success in anything requires more than reading a book, taking a quiz or, even chillin’ and having fun.  Success happens when we learn not only what works, but when we learn how to DO what works. Easier said than done, right?  All of this can seem pretty daunting, especially when it comes to love and relationships.

These and dozens of other questions will be answered during this discussion group experience!

Coach Sappho’s Lesbian Dating Discussion Group begins on Wednesday, February 3, 2010 at 7p ET.

There is no other group like this one in the world!  Seriously…and, the good news is, you can join in on the fun!  Coach Sappho’s Lesbian Dating Discussion Group is for the single lesbian who is truly committed to making NOW the time she finds the woman she can build a deeply satisfying, long term future with in this lifetime.

Come and go as you please or, stay for the whole program.  Our 2010 Lesbian Dating Discussion Group will run from February through October.

Read what former clients have to say about our singles programs…

“This group is truly a sisterhood without parallel anywhere!”

“Great job today, Barb. You are an incredible facilitator. Your words are easy to understand and it seems to have the ability to bring us into the fold.”

Coach Sappho’s Lesbian Dating Discussion Group gives you many opportunities to…

• participate in highly interactive, warm, inspiring and inviting group coaching and discussions motivating you to further refine your relationship and attraction plans and put what you learned about yourself and your relationship goals during Attract Mz. Right Boot Camp into ACTION;
• receive more practical, helpful ‘attraction’ information and materials that will help you build on what you learned in Attract Mz. Right Boot Camp;
• understand your compelling and inspiring “reason” to have a mate;
• practice replacing limiting beliefs that are preventing you from attracting your ideal mate;
• refine your Relationship Plan to clearly summarize your relationship goals and requirements;
• develop an Attraction Plan with actions you will commit to take that yields actual meetings with potential life partners;
• join a dating site or program you agree to use in a focused manner for the next few months (a three month minimum membership is recommended/this membership is not included in the price of the dating group)
• develop an online dating profile(s) you love (and that attracts the type of women you want to attract);
• identify and actively seek the consult of healthy and varied support structures and attraction venues that further your quest for an ideal mate;
• practice actively scouting and sorting to identify people to date in the community and online;
• practice actively screening and testing in dating situations;
• understand fully what to do when you connect with a potential mate;
• be a competent ‘flirter’ who is comfortable meeting new people in many different settings;
• upgrade or ‘freshen up’ your image so that you are your best looking, most confident self;
• freshen up your home to prepare for entertaining or taking potential dates there with confidence;
• learn the difference between “love” and “commitment” and become ready for a committed relationship;
• stay on track with your relationship and attraction plans;
• receive lots of active support to help you stay true to your vision and plans;
• continue to refine your attraction plan, your online profile, which venues you access, etc.;
• become expert at tapping your support structures to be smarter in staying true to you while searching and dating;
• actively date with the goal of selecting an exclusive relationship that will lead to a life partnership;
• select an exclusive relationship;
• graduate to Coach Sappho’s Couples Programming!

If you’ve already completed Coach Sappho’s Attract Mz. Right Bootcamp (formerly ‘Get Ready to Meet YOUR Mz. Right’ and/or ‘Relationship Readiness Tele-Seminar), THIS is the only support you need in 2010 to reach your goal of finding a woman who shares with you the goal of creating a deeply satisfying, lasting relationship!  OR, if you haven’t taken Attract Mz. Right yet, no problem.  You can begin right away with the discussion group and start camp when you are ready!

Your registration includes:

• weekly, 60 minute telephone group meetings, led by the love coach and attended by fellow registrants
• all required workbook materials (usually in pdf format)
• weekly buddy support

Ready to get started?

Now is the time to take charge of your life.

NO FUSS, NO MUSS – CHOOSE ONE OF TWO REGISTRATION OPTIONS…

OPTION #1 – pay in full in advance – only $49 a month!  That’s 50% off!!!

OR

OPTION #2 – pay as you go – only $99 a month!

However, after reading an excellent article by Bonnie Osborn in the September 2009 issue of Jane and Jane Magazine entitled, ‘Feeling the Pinch: Health care inequities result in financial penalties for lesbian couples’, I was reminded that health ‘care’ is only one problem lesbians face in our current health care system.

Did you know lesbian couples are also penalized economically by the way our current health care system is set up?  And that this penalizing is repeated and compounded?

For example, even though two of my sisters stay at home and don’t work, they have health care through their husband’s employers.  And, even though another sister works, her husband stays home and receives full ’spouse’ benefits (including health care, life insurance, etc.).  And, I’m not even talking about all the children they have – eight between the three of them – who are covered on these various health care plans as well.

I, on the other hand, could not put my partner on my health insurance (back when I had a partner).  And, my partners were never able to put me on their plans.  Meaning:  if at some point one of us had become unemployed and, heaven forbid, become ill, what would we do?

It becomes even more complicated when we talk about being laid off.  Even if I’d at some point had the ability to add my partner to my benefits, my partner said she would have been afraid to do so.  After all, if I later changed jobs, who knows if that new employer would have domestic partner coverage?  Given the fact insurance coverage isn’t assured/universal, she would’ve had to go through another period of underwriting and possible exclusion.  I know that’s never even a thought for straight couples.

Yes, in some places, and with some large companies, same sex partners do have access to partner benefits.  But, over all, only a minority of lesbians in America have such access.

And, to add insult, the federal government taxes partner benefits as ‘taxable income’!  Wow -  even when we have access, we pay a price straight couples don’t: when a same sex partner is on her partner’s insurance she gets to, you guessed it: pay taxes on having the honor of such a benefit!

And, guess what?  The employer is penalized too.  So, good luck getting many employers to want to cover same sexed partners on their insurance plans!

Lesbians have the highest uninsured rate

Worse yet, for those who don’t have the honor of paying these additional taxes, many of these coupled lesbians remain uninsured, because they can’t afford their own insurance!  Can you imagine the spouse of a straight person going through this state of affairs?

According to Osborn, a recent survey found that lesbians as a group had more uninsured than gay men and heterosexuals.  In fact lesbians were almost twice as likely to be uninsured as heterosexuals.

Is it any surprise then, that lesbians, as a group, are consistently poorer than gay men and heterosexuals, especially as they grow older?

Here’s another common example of how the current system hurts lesbians financially: if your partner takes ill and needs your help, what do you do?  Here’s one extreme:  military personnel often wouldn’t even think of taking off to help a partner because of the attention it might put on them.  They’d fear a court martial (it happens…often, and not just on The L Word).

Often then, for these individuals, benefits earned are never used.  Perhaps then the couple has to pay for home health care, all out of their own pocket (if they have the resources to do so).

More common is the scenario where a partner has to use vacation time to stay home and help a same sexed partner, whereas a straight partner would be able to use sick time instead.  This matters for those whose retirement benefits depend on accrued vacation time.

Or, what happens when a partner doesn’t have any sick or vacation time to use?  Will her employer allow her to take ‘leave without pay’?  Who can even afford to do that in today’s economy?

Osborn notes that these sorts of ‘institutionalized inequities’…

“Add up to hundreds and even thousands of dollars of financial penalties each year”.

Yikes!  No wonder so many of us can never get ahead.  Many of us are already being ‘under paid’ because we are women.

Why aren’t lesbians more upset about this state of affairs? Perhaps because we don’t have any energy left, after we work all the extra hours and jobs we need, to pay off these debts!

And, of course, worries about whether a doctor will provide you inferior care (because he or she doesn’t like gays or doesn’t know you are gay), and economic inequities are far from the only disparities lesbians face in today’s health care system.

Worries about whether all the legal papers we pay to draw up to protect our wishes in times of emergencies still exist.  There are many instances of couples having their advance directives ignored.  Tragic examples include the Lisa Pond story.

Here again, we lose financially.  Setting up living wills and power of attorney documents correctly can cost hundreds, sometimes thousands of dollars.  By the way, when was the last time a hospital asked a straight spouse to produce paper work to prove ‘next of kin’?

And in a cruel irony, even the two democratic presidents we’ve had in the past 20-30 years who are pro-gay have (or are) hurting us when it comes to easing these burdens:

• President Clinton’s signing of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) in the 1990’s makes it illegal for the federal government to recognize legal gay relationships and allows states to deny recognition as well.  In fact, according to Osborn, “recently same sex partners of laid off workers weren’t able to receive payments to help pay for COBRA health insurance that the partners of heterosexual partners received, because of DOMA.”
• President Obama has relegated DOMA to the bottom of his priority list and, when the issue has come up, has given a mixed message at best (while he has said he wants to repeal DOMA, recently, when the issue came up in a court case, his administration defended it).

In my (and Osborn’s) opinion, another of the many good reasons to support the House of Representative’s HR 3200 ‘America’s Affordable Health Choices Act’ is that it does redress a couple of the systematic problems plaguing lesbians in the current system:  HR 3200 would set up a system to collect data on gays and lesbians (which would then prove the disparities and need for other reforms) and it would also stop the taxation of same sex partner health benefits.

Be sure you check out Osborn’s article.  It should get you good and mad and speaking up to your congress person/persons.

BE well,

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach and Matchmaker.  Be sure to stop by www.coachsappho.com, pick up your FREE gifts as well as to learn about our exciting new singles club for lesbians and our community for lesbian couples.

Does your business serve lesbians? If so, and you want to spread the word, join Lez Do Biz! a free, online network for businesses who serve lesbian, bisexual and transgender women.

© Copyright 2009, Barb Elgin.  All Rights Reserved.  Feel free to forward this article as long as attribution remains intact.

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

Perhaps you’ve never realized it before, but did you know there are some very powerful chemicals in your brain that can ‘control you’, if you let them, when it comes to romance?  I am talking to you in this way because I think it’s very important to add some realism to balance these strong emotions, which always come with romance.

What is so helpful about having a love coach comes into play here: You need someone who is going to ‘be your head’ right now.  When it comes to love and partner selection, most of us are way too emotional.  Well, you say, why can’t I just rely on the opinion of good friends or family members?  Because they too are ‘too close to’ your situation to not have an agenda or two.  A love coach has no ulterior motive.

It’s a well known, researched fact that new, or young, love, is a very powerful experience, one that actually creates for some of us, a type of ‘temporary insanity’.

That temporary, emotional insanity or ‘high’ is not just psychological.  When two individuals are feeling like ‘more than friends’, some very special chemical reactions are occurring between each of their pairs of ears.  When we are first ‘falling for’ or becoming ‘infatuated with’ someone else, powerful brain chemicals are being released at unusually high or low levels.

Most scientists who study the chemical phenomenon of ‘falling in love’ say it’s mother nature’s way of ensuring people come together.  After all, in earlier times, when humans faced life-threatening challenges more often than we do today, it was especially vital to form ‘bonds’ or ‘units’ to survive.  Even today, we haven’t lost our need for social contact and security.  And, of course, the second biggest reason nature needed to bring us together was to perpetuate our species.

Here’s the challenge for new couples: The challenge for all new couples (and each individual in the relationship) is to slow down and recognize that these feelings are normal for the stage you are in, but not likely to last.  So it’s normal right now to never see (or care about) your date’s obvious flaws, to feel very upset when you are separated from one another and to catch yourself daydreaming about your new ‘friend’ a lot.

The challenge is realizing you will need to re-focus on the rest of your life too.  You know, your responsibilities, your body, your health, your family and your work.  Don’t let your friends fall by the wayside.  Remember back to when I said that you are on an ‘emotional high’?  What tends to happen with rational decision making when we are high?

What may be missing for you at this stage is the ability to discern if this relationship has long term potential.  You may be feeling that it does, but does it?  Only time will tell.  As I love to say to couples together only a few months, “Just go and have fun, get to know one another, but, whatever you do, don’t make a lifetime commitment, or, entwine your lives by moving in together yet or combining finances.  The first six months don’t count.”

Why do I emphasize that the first six months doesn’t count? Because you need to go through the inevitable ‘let down’ of the emotional high, and the emergence of what it’s truly like to be sharing life with this person.  Then, and only then, will you be able to balance out the highs with the lows and determine if the reality (somewhere in the middle) is something you are willing to commit to…seriously.

And here’s the challenge for established couples: As the saying goes, ‘whatever goes up, must come down’.  In the earliest stages of attraction, called ‘lust’, testosterone and estrogen increase for women, leading us to think of the object of our affection (and sex) more frequently.  And, as attraction builds, increases in dopamine and adrenalin and decreases in serotonin lead to a loss of appetite and sleep and emotional highs and lows and more obsession on the object of our love.

After a period of time, our body ‘habituates’ or whatever it does (I’m not the chemist as you can tell!), and dopamine and adrenalin decreases back to it’s more normal rates and serotonin, which had decreased during the ‘love struck’ stage of early love, goes back to it’s usual levels.

Women with lower than average levels of testosterone normally (when not in the ‘falling in love’ stage) may find their desire level is lower than their partners.  But, that doesn’t mean you can’t raise them, by what you do.

The good news for ‘established’ couples, who sometimes wonder what happened to their sex drive is that these initial ‘rush’ chemicals can be raised with a little attention on their parts.  Ha…didn’t realize that pun till I’d written it! 

So, if you’re no longer a couple in the early days of your relationship, that doesn’t mean you need to trade your partner in for a new love.  You just need to keep dating your current love.  Don’t ever stop dating.  Don’t ever stop doing (and trying) new things together.  Keep it interesting, in and out of the bedroom.

The other really cool stage of love is the last one, called attachment.  This is where the chemical oxytocin is released, which helps us feel more bonded to our partner.  Want to feel closer to your partner?  It’s easy, just have a great sex life.

One of the big secrets to creating lasting, deeply satisfying lesbian love begins and ends with an understanding of your chemical makeup and, making those chemicals work for you rather than against you.

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach.  Attract Mz. Right Summer Camp for Single Lesbians starts 6/23/09.  Register by midnight PST on 6/20/09 and save 25% off – click here to learn all the details.

©2009, Barb Elgin.  All Rights Reserved

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

Greg Halpen, TheGayGuysLoveCoach

I had a blast last night talking with Greg Halpen on Blogtalkradio’s TheGayGuysLoveCoach.  Thank you to Greg for inviting me onto the show and for being such a tremendous host.

Greg and I covered several ‘juicy’ areas during our discussion.  We even had a wedding planner call in to discuss how to handle couples who get ‘testy’ during the wedding preparations process.

Be sure you click here to listen in, the show lasted approximately 30 minutes.  You can listen via streaming and you can download a copy of the show via mp3 as well.

BTW, Greg and I are cooking up an event for the single gals and guys in New York City later this summer, so, be on the lookout for more information to come soon!

Some of my current and former clients only recently ‘came out of the closet’.  Some have even been married to a man for some length of time and are choosing to live a more authentic, ‘this is who I really am’ lesbian life for the first time.  And many others have identified, even rather openly, as lesbian for years but they…

• haven’t experience a deeply satisfying and lasting relationship with another woman
• they haven’t felt comfortable asking for what they want
• or they haven’t been aware of what they want romantically, for various reasons, most likely due to the socialization (or lack thereof) women and lesbian women receive when it comes to love, dating and relationships.

As I always remind all of my clients, whether they are single, dating or coupled, two of the most important secrets to creating a deeply satisfying, lasting relationship with the woman of their dreams is knowing who you are and what you want.

Just as important, however, as knowing who you are and what you want is:

• being able to live your truth

and

• being willing to be a great partner

When it comes to living one’s truth, let’s face it: until the ‘rubber meets the road’, who you are and what you want is only theoretical.  Meaning, in terms of the world and how you are perceived and whether (and what) you will manifest, the results you achieve are based upon your ability to take actions, millions of them, moment after moment, day after day and year after year, that are aligned with who you believe yourself to be, in the world.

Now, I’m not saying you have to be perfect.  Although there is nothing wrong with demanding ‘excellence’ of yourself.  In fact, it’s better to ‘expect too much’, I believe, than to not ‘expect enough’ of yourself, in particular your behavior.  And, this gets to the point of today’s post.

As much as it is important to get clear who you are, what you want and as vital as it is to be able to express ‘you’ lovingly, yet clearly in the world, perhaps most important of all, if you hope to create a deeply satisfying, lasting relationship with another woman, is being able to be a great partner.

Most of us are aware of what we expect from the woman we invite into our lives, but do you spend as much time learning and practicing becoming a great partner to that woman you expect so much from? (as well you should, by the way!)…

As it’s been said, when it’s easy to be a great partner, that is, on days and during the hours of the day when things are going smooth, you are rested and you aren’t irritable and your partner is the same, being a great partner is much easier than when you are tired, you both disagree or you just don’t feel like being kind or ‘negotiable’ at that moment.

Well now, these tougher moments are when the rubber truly meets the road:  can you be respectful when you aren’t in the mood to be?  None of us are perfect on this one, we’ve all slipped, right, so, let’s cut ourselves and others some (not too much though!) slack during these moments!  

The best, most lasting relationships consist of two individuals who are being great partners.  Why is that?  Because when you have two women doing the very best they can to nurture their relationship, they create the conditions that allow each woman to feel they are being celebrated for who they are while they are treated like a queen.

Certainly then, if you aren’t being a great partner, is it fair to expect your partner to be a great partner?  Hmmmm………..the good news is this:  when you don’t feel like being a great partner, step back and take a deep breath before you do anything else…from there you will have a clearer head and you will be more likely to respond with love (or with no response at all until you are able to make a positive response) instead of reacting in response to your frustration (or some other negative emotion).

I am not saying you sweep important issues under the rug.  I am just saying there is always a time and a place, right? 

Lastly: put one mark in the ‘credit’ column of your relationship’s ‘emotional bank account’.

Wonderful food for thought, eh?

Have a fabulous afternoon!

Barb Elgin

p.s.  Are you single or dating to meet your life partner?  If you are, be sure to check out Lez Rendezvous, our premiere dating and coaching community for lesbians.  We have a great tele-discussion this evening at 7:30p ET where we are talking about getting ready to attract our soulmates.  Don’t miss it!  Great potential partners hang out here!  And, some ‘love matches’ are already happenin’… 

TOLERANCE OF ONE’S LESBIANISM

Tolerance is a stage most gays and lesbians also go through.  When you tolerate something you are acknowledging it (versus denying it).  However, all of us know the feeling of ‘tolerating’ something.  It’s not usually fun, and the attitude is akin to ‘grinning and bearing something’ or ‘putting up with someone or something unpleasant’.

Kind of like the friends and/or family members who choose, after many years of knowing the ‘truth’ about us, to continue to say they aren’t happy with our ‘chosen lifestyle’. People who tolerate us may let us bring our partners to family events and, they may even become fond of our partners.

However, it is less likely they will openly acknowledge our partners fully as our ’spouses’ and they most likely do not view our love relationships as equal to theirs. As far as your own belief about yourself at this stage, it’s not so hot.  When you merely tolerate who you are, you are more prone to accepting negative treatment by others, you may still be hiding your gayness to co-workers, close friends and family, etc.  And, romantically-speaking, because you aren’t feeling a high degree of self esteem, you tend to attract relationships where you are ‘in hiding’, or that are unsatisfying and/or don’t last.

Why do you (and others) do these things?

Because the stage of tolerance still has degrees of denial and shame within it along with a greater degree of ‘lack of awareness’ of who you are and what you want. Then again, if you find yourself (or you find friends and family here), tolerance is infinitely better than it’s opposites: rejection and intolerance.  In fact, if you ask me tolerance and intolerance aren’t that far apart.

ACCEPTANCE OF ONE’S SEXUAL ORIENTATION

At some point, thankfully, for many of us, we come to accept being gay.  Perhaps we grow a bit older and wiser or we grow tired of the hiding or minimizing.  We decide the ‘costs’ of not living more fully are too high.  No longer denying or tolerating ourselves, we poke a truer self out into the world.  Now, we may still stay ‘in the closet’ in places and with people we aren’t completely sure will accept us, however, less and less we care what others think about us.

Getting to this stage in the celebration process is indeed a relief.  In the dictionary, acceptance for our purposes is defined as approval or being ‘well received’.  Sounds good, right?  So why isn’t acceptance enough?  Some of us think this is the ‘end goal’, but, in reality acceptance is merely the beginning of really living!  Yes, there are even better days ahead, if we are willing to stretch ourselves a bit more.

CELEBRATING BEING A LESBIAN

When I explain the difference between accepting oneself and celebrating oneself, most of my clients get very excited.  My favorite dictionary definitions for celebration are…

• observing with respect and festivity
• praising or extolling
• to make widely known through display

Now do you see (and feel) the difference between acceptance and celebration?

Wow, while acceptance is, what I would call the ‘Jr.’ version of ‘having it all’, celebration is truly ‘having it all’ in my book. The thought of actually celebrating oneself, like one does on their birthday or when enjoying a great achievement sounds very cool.  Then, for some, fear creeps in.

How in the world, many ask, can I feel this good?  Is it possible?  Is it realistic? Yes, actually living from a space of celebration about who you are is realistic and very do-able.  You do have to be willing to let go of your fears of how others will receive you.  However, the rewards are great.  Consider feeling, for the first time, that you are just another variation on the theme of life and love?  No better than anyone else, but equal to your heterosexual parents, siblings, friends, etc.

Consider also feeling, for the first time, that being gay or lesbian is natural, normal and, even, wonderful!  Like straight people always assume they are. For those of you who ARE psychologically impacted by your environment (and all of us are to some degree), surveys of course have their limits, but one I noticed recently might give you hope and raise your ability to celebrate yourself for being GLBT.  That’s right – a recent (October 2008) Harris Interactive Poll found that

“…nearly nine out of 10 (87%) heterosexuals said that if someone were to come out to them as gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender, it would have a positive or no impact on how they would view gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender people. The survey also revealed that two out of three (67%) heterosexual adults agree that if someone they knew is gay or lesbian, they’d want that individual to be open and honest with them about it, rather than feel the need to hide who he or she really is.”

Wow!  I know that poll instilled more hope in me.  How about you?  Be sure to read details of the poll here.

THE CONNECTION BETWEEN CELEBRATION AND DEEPLY SATISFYING, LASTING LOVE: Why isn’t acceptance or, even, tolerance enough?

I began this two part post talking about the concept of readiness and how celebrating one’s sexuality and deeply satisfying, lasting love goes hand-in-hand.  Just how so?  Here are some of my thoughts on why getting to the stage of celebrating your sexuality will help you on your journey of love…

• The more you celebrate your sexuality, the better you feel about yourself.  Any remnants of shame ‘fall way’.
• The better you feel about yourself, the less you ‘tolerate’ a life that isn’t brilliantly full.
• The less you tolerate a life that isn’t brilliantly full, the more exciting and purposeful a life you envision.
• The grander the life vision you pursue, the more excited you become about fulfilling your purpose in this lifetime.
• The more excited and into your life vision you become, the more you love you and your life.
• The more you fall in love with yourself and your life, the more attractive you become in the world.
• The more attractive you become in the world, the more you attract others to you and, if you are in a relationship, the more attractive you are to your partner.

If you are coupled, living a celebratory life, you are able to sustain, even when times are tough, an attitude of graciousness and hope.  You choose to see what is positive about yourself and your partner if you are coupled.  You choose to celebrate all that is the two of you.  The beautiful things you’ve created together.  Despite the hard moments, you appreciate and relish how one + one =’s more than two!

If you are single, you choose to stay busy, creating a life YOU love, whether or not another person has as of yet appeared to build an amazing future together with, because you trust in time that will occur.

Single or coupled, when you celebrate who you are, you think enough of yourself to fill your life with activities and people who celebrate who you are along with you! I don’t know about you but I’ll choose celebration over acceptance any day!  How about you???

As I talk with lesbian singles and couples all over the world, I am struck how often they aren’t aware how their level of self acceptance and celebration of their lesbianism impacts their ability to find, grow and nurture a deeply satisfying, lasting relationship.

Celebration of one’s sexual orientation is one of the ten most important ‘love readiness’ areas.  For those of you new to the idea of readiness, readiness is a concept that says your ability and availability to attract, form and grow a deeply satisfying and lasting relationship is dependent upon your ‘readiness’ for such a relationship.

Following from the above definition, whether you are single or coupled, the more ‘ready’ you are for love, the more love you can experience and create with another woman.

TAKE COACH SAPPHO’S RELATIONSHIP READINESS QUIZ

For those of you who have taken my 10 question, quick, yet powerful quiz – Coach Sappho’s Relationship Readiness Quiz – you know that question number ten asks you to assess, on a scale from 0 to 10, how much you celebrate (versus merely tolerate, or, accept) your sexuality.  If you haven’t yet taken the quiz, I highly encourage you do so.  The quiz is free and you receive your score immediately!

THE CONTINUUM CELEBRATING WHO YOU ARE

There seems to be a continuum, which I’ll call ‘celebrating who I am, lesbian and all’, that operates on both the conscious and even more importantly, subconscious, levels, for all of us.  I see this continuum as similar to the Kinsey Scale, which suggests that each individual experiences their ’sexual orientation’ as falling somewhere between ‘100% straight’ to ‘100% gay’ (with gradations in between).

I love ‘continuum’ scales, because we all know that life and reality has a lot of ‘gray’ in it. So, in terms of ‘celebration of one’s sexuality’, I propose the following continuum…

| ———————  |  ———————   |  ————————-  |
denial          tolerance                acceptance                    celebration

DENIAL OF ONE’S GAYNESS

Most of us evolve through the continuum, beginning with a denial of our sexuality.  I would say denial ranges from mild to severe.  Mild forms of denial include those who discover their same sex crushes and attractions early (say, in adolescence), but do choose to act on them in early adulthood, but from a position of not having such a great attitude about their sexuality.

Moderate denial includes the stories of women who come out later in life saying that they knew they were gay from the beginning, but chose to live a heterosexual life, often getting married and having kids with a husband, because they weren’t ready to deal with the consequences of living their truth as a lesbian.

Severe denial includes the stories of people you hear ‘coming out’ later in life, after their teens or early 20’s, saying they ‘had no idea’ they were gay until then.  This includes women who ‘discover’ in their 40’s, 50’s or beyond that they are gay.

Some researchers will probably disagree with me here, saying sexuality is ‘fluid’ and, people who ‘come out’ later in life could have been straight earlier in their life and are just now ‘becoming gay’.  Now, I don’t know ultimately ‘what is true’, however, these definitions are mine and are based on what I’ve observed only.  I am also not making any judgments on anyone’s experience of denial.  Everyone’s upbringing, personality, social environment, etc., is unique, and everyone usually does the best they can at any one time, given the forces operating in a person’s life.

Be sure to return to this blog tomorrow and catch part two of this two part post, where I talk in greater detail about the ‘celebrating who you are’ continuum, including what celebration is and how it is a necessary requirement for creating deeply satisfying, lasting love with another woman.

Okay, I say to myself, wait up.  I should just be happy they are having an openly gay guest on their show AND I should just be happy they are open and comfortable saying words like ‘lesbian’ and ‘gay’!  HA!

While the gals on the View interviewed Judy it was interesting how Judy referred to her ‘ex’, whom they had their two children with, btw.  She says she ‘got her ex’ an apartment in the same building below her, because Judy is the ‘god’…under her breath…

Now I know Judy is camping it up because she’s the funny bone.  However, isn’t there always some truth in any joke? This got me to thinking about some research I’ve been doing lately regarding power dynamics in lesbian couples.   I became curious and was wondering how power had played itself out in Judy’s relationship and how it may have been involved in the ending of her relationship.

I find there are some interesting observations going on out there in academia.  Some studies I think ‘gloss’ over the  existence of power issues in lesbian couples, perhaps to make us sound good/functional? I think the assumption is that because women are socialized to be passive, relationship-oriented or, to ’share power’ that it automatically or easily happens in all lesbian relationships.

Are lesbian relationships inherently ‘more functional than’ straight couples?  Some studies show (on mostly too small samples I think to generalize) that we don’t get as emotional when arguing and we are ‘more egalitarian’.  Putting lesbian couples up on a pedestal?…hehehe…that may not be a comparison we want to emphasize.

Seriously though, I would not be surprised if lesbian couples do share some strengths that gay and straight couples could learn from (and vice versa).  While most of the challenges all couples face are universal (because love is love is love, pretty much), there have got to be some differences.

My experience coaching lesbian couples has been that gender is less an issue (often, not always) when it comes to ‘decision making’ issues.  My experience in talking to lesbian couples is that other characteristics (upbringing, values, character, socio-economic and educational status) reign supreme.  And in some lesbian couples, there is a more traditional ‘one has more of the power and the other is more subordinate’ thing going on (sometimes it’s okay to both partners and sometimes it’s not).  Also – as you probably already know – lesbian couples aren’t immune to problems like emotional, verbal and physical abuse.  That’s a topic for a whole other post, but it does happen.

How about you? If you are single, but you’ve been in relationships before, how did the issues of power and decision making play itself out in your relationship?  Would you say those issues led to your breakup and, if so, how?

If you are dating, seriously dating or engaged, how much have you considered how you and your partner deal with power and decision making?  BEFORE you make a stronger commitment to a person is the time to figure out if you have any ‘issues’ with power and decision making with your partner, not after.

If you are currently in a committed relationship or marriage, I’m curious how power plays itself out in your bond?

I hope you’ll post right here on the blog and get the discussion going!