Happy Monday to you! Wow, here in the southeast, we’re enjoying lots of sunshine and pleasant warmth. My prayers go out to the folks in the Los Angelest area who are battling the fires.
Today’s post is short and sweet and aimed at helping you improve your life by…
- evaluating your existing social network(s) and
- ‘tweaking’ if necessary.
But first I’d like to share a personal story about social support systems that illustrates the suggestions I’m going to make later in this post. Prior to my becoming a life coach, I was much less aware of the importance of high quality social support. Yes, I’d been trained as a social worker and ‘got it’ that people aren’t islands and that we are ALWAYS operating in an environment that impacts us and vice versa.
But, when it came to my own life, I still had alot to learn. Currently I’m single. But, for most of my adult life I’ve been in relationships with another woman. And, that fact itself illustrates some of the concepts I’m about to reveal.
As a young gay woman growing up in the 70′s and 80′s, I didn’t have a very supportive social network and I didn’t know how to build one. All I did think was that I had to be pretty quiet about who I was and what I wanted. In fact, because I felt unworthy (and those around me reinforced that unworthiness or shame), I usually found myself clinging on to anyone who was ‘like me’ and, as a matter of fact, I thought other lesbians were so rare, I basically believed unconsciously that I had to ‘latch onto’ any lesbian I was remotely attracted to.
Now, don’t get me wrong. And, ex’es, if you are reading this article, please, don’t be insulted. But, as I look back on it now, I see that my world was pretty small. In high school, my sexuality was still ‘dawning’ on me. But, I pretty much tried to avoid the whole dating thing. I tried to like guys and even had a bit of a crush on a couple. Anyway, I think it was a crush. Who knows?
What was VERY clear, however, were my attractions to some of my female friends, teachers, co-workers, etc. Without a doubt, I was attracted to women. However, in 1978, 1979, what do you do about that? I couldn’t even conceive of going to my prom with another woman. And, so, I played a very interesting ‘low profile’ sort of stance in high school. One of my best friends was a cheerleader who was dating the captain and quarterback of the football team. But, I didn’t feel worthy of hanging with them. And, my parents were strict – they were a faster crowd.
So, I hung more with friends at my part time job at the hamburger joint. I also fell in love with straight a co-worker there. Up until my college years I had developed a ‘habit’ of falling for straight gals. But, then again, what other option did most of us have back then? There were no gay-straight alliances at the schools, no internet, and society was much more ‘in the closet’ about sexual orientation issues.
I did the best I knew how. In my first relationship, which lasted 7 years, we were each other’s best friend, lover, sister, etc. And we had very few friends who knew us as a couple. We were pretty isolated, now that I look back on it. Her family and parents disapproved and so did mine, although my parents were somewhat better because they didn’t disown us and my partner was always invited to family events such as holidays (which her family more grudgingly allowed). What happened to that relationship? My partner figured out that she really liked men more and she left me for a guy.
This was the late 80′s/early 90′s. So, what did I do in response? Moped. And, when I got a little further along in my grieving process I hit the bars! I tried to drown my sorrows in dancing, running, denial, etc. I even had one or two ‘one night stands’. How great was my social network at that point? Better than before, but still not so hot. There was the one straight married guy who tried to get me to have sex with him while feigning friendship. And, there were the lesbians who were drinkers and druggers. In general, there was a lack of support from family for my ‘divorce’ (in the mental health industry they call this ‘disenfranchised grief’). And, I didn’t know how to ask for support either.
I’d re-connected with some friends from childhood and through them met my second partner. We barely dated and, before she and I knew it, I’d moved into her house.
Who were our supports? We knew one or two couples who were relatively functional to turn to, and my partner’s family, while not close, seemed to accept us. But otherwise, we were pretty isolated. And, when it came down to it, at least one of the women in this ‘set’ was actively helping drive bigger the wedge that was growing between me and my partner. I saw it happening but felt helpless to stop it.
By this time my other siblings were married, having children and they were doing the whole families thing. We were accepted (although no one ever acknowledged openly we were a couple by finding out our anniversary date, for example).
My second partner has (and still is) become a very important figure in my life. We were together almost 15 years when I left because it hadn’t been good for awhile.
Up until now (and I’m still a ‘work in progress’), I’ve made all of the mistakes that having a better support network would have prevented…
I had couple buddies who weren’t real supportive of us as a couple (and perhaps we could’ve been more supportive)
I had one close friend who I’d met in college who really helped me, especially during the 2nd relationship. But I Parents and family still were in denial about me and I was too wimpy to be more of myself with them.How? In fact, up until late 2004, I’d
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I was talking earlier today with a client who was lamenting the age old ‘how do I find other lesbians-or folks in general-who have interests similar to mine?’. Now, this client doesn’t live near a major city. But, I’ve found most men and women, gay and straight, no matter where they live, find themselves asking this question at some point.</p>
<p>Whether you are single or coupled, the quality of your social support system is VITAL to your the quality of your life. NO ONE IS AN ISLAND! Isolated singles become isolated couples and isolated couples become isolated families. Not good!</p>
<p>I highly recommend building a qualilty social support system for yourself whether you are single or coupled. If you are single, you no doubt want to eventually meet a soulmate. Well, he or she just ain’t going to appear out of the ethers. Now, if you do some advance legwork by expanding the breadth and depth of your social connections I can promise you that, one day your soulmate will seem to ‘just appear’. But, you’ve got to get the ball rolling first….</p>
<p>If you are single, you need to find friends who know…</p>
<ul><li>that you are single</li>
<li>who you are</li>
<li>what you like and </li>
<li>what you want </li></ul>
<p>I heartily recommend single folk make friends with couples. And, if you are single, you need to ‘get out there’ and start attending some events that are matched to your values and/or interests. Even if you feel you are ‘too busy’ to make time, commit to checking out a ‘new venue’ at least once per month.</p>
<p>If you are a couple (and another client and I were discussing the importance of this yesterday), you need to find other couple friends who are stable and who are committed to each other AND to the health and success of your relationship too. Be choosy! I’ve heard one too many story of couples going through a rough time who haven’t developed the type of relationship with other couples where they can go to them and get support.</p>
<p>As a couple, if you have single friends, be sure to be discriminating and hang around a single person who is respectful of your relationship and won’t try to steal either of you away! Seriously! And, if you are one member of a couple and you admit you have been or might be tempted to be ‘stolen away’, I would get honest with yourself about that right away and address it with a coach or counselor before you fall further down the ‘slippery slope’ of destroying your relationship!</p>
<p>Some of this might sound pretty severe or serious to you, but I’m only bringing all of this up because I talk to alot of people whose relationships have been injured by not being careful in these ways.</p>
<p>Are long distance, online only relationships part of a healthy, social support network?</p>
<p>There isn’t an easy yes or no answer to this question, however, it’s common today for some of us to become overinvolved and/or addicted to ‘long distance’, and/or online only love relationships. Online only relationships can become very seductive, meaning when we are interacting with someone in this way we probably aren’t ‘seeing’ and/or ‘experiencing’ enough about them to really be able to know who they fully are AND how we are when we are ‘with’ them. In fact, there can be such an ‘anonymous’ nature to them, that they other person can completely ‘misrepresent’ themselves to you. And, you may be more tempted to ‘puff up’ who you are in such an environment also.</p>
<p>Here’s what I advise you do with online only relationships: it’s okay if you are forming ongoing, long distance, online only relationships for NON romantic reasons. Many are relying on them for very specific purposes (for example, you talk via telephone with a book club that is so specific in it’s topic that you can’t find enough people in your town with a similar interest or you met and communicate with someone online because you are taking a class together. These exampes are usually fine). Some folks even enjoy – and gain in healthy ways – from these sorts of relationships.</p>
<p>However, if you find yourself ‘falling for’ or developing romantic or sexual feelings for one of these folks, tread carefully. Yes, some of us are caught up in such ‘fantasy’ relationships to distract ourselves from dealing with what’s going on in our real lives. However, beware: unless you pretty shortly meet this person in person and/or get to know them in a real sense, you could be setting yourself up for heartache. In fact, if the whole reason you have formed such a relationship has to do with avoiding what’s going on in your real life, I encourage you to stop and take a look at what you are doing.</p>
<p>Free resources for growing your social network</p>
<p>In my travels this past week, I’ve discovered two, online tools that can help you get started in creating healthy, more vibrant social networks for yourself:</p>
<p><strong><a href=” />Olivia</a> – Yes, Olivia the travel/cruise company for lesbians is now getting into the business of social networking. Be sure to stop by their site and check out their new online communities. I’ve already joined under the name – BABZ – and I’ve created groups for single lesbians and lesbian couples. It’s fun and the site is pretty easy to navigate.</p>
<p><strong><a href=”http://matchactivity.com/”>Match Activity</a></strong> – This is what one of my colleagues, Tara Kachaturoff, has to say about this new site: “MatchActivity recognizes a simple fact: people who like the same music, restaurants, sports, etc., already share qualities that will help them connect, and have a more relaxed basis for communication. While other sites make you browse endless profiles, many of which are misleading or outdated, MatchActivity lets you immediately plan an activity; set the time and place; and find someone who shares your interests. <br /><br />No more endless email relationships — MatchActivity introduces you to people who are ready to get off the couch. No more superficial profiles ? MatchActivity works according to common interests, recognizing that opposites often attract. No more free ride for fakers — MatchActivity lets people?s passions prove they are who they say they are. Activities speak louder than words.”<br /><br />Regardless of the quality of either of these sites, YOU are the one who will make them work for you! Be sure to <strong><a href=”mailto:barb@barbelgin.com”>email me</a></strong> and let me know how it’s going if you choose to try one or more of these sites!</p>
<p>Have a great week!</p>
<p><strong><a href=”mailto:barb@barbelgin.com”>Barb Elgin</a></strong></p>
<p><a href=”http://barbelgin.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/barb_and_ruby_2_3.jpg”><img title=”Barb Elgin is offering complimentary, 15 minute coaching consults this week if you’d like to learn more about how she can help you create the life you desire! To get started email Barb or call her at 866-396-BARB to set your appointment!” height=”179″ alt=”Barb Elgin is offering complimentary, 15 minute coaching consults this week if you’d like to learn more about how she can help you create the life you desire! To get started, <a href=” />email Barb </a>or call her at 866-396-BARB to set your appointment!” src=”http://www.authenticgayliving.com/images/barb_and_ruby_2_3.jpg” width=”150″ border=”0″ style=”FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 5px 5px 0px” /> </p>
Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is a lesbian dating and relationship expert and matchmaker.
