Perhaps you’ve never realized it before, but did you know there are some very powerful chemicals in your brain that can ‘control you’, if you let them, when it comes to romance?  I am talking to you in this way because I think it’s very important to add some realism to balance these strong emotions, which always come with romance.

What is so helpful about having a love coach comes into play here: You need someone who is going to ‘be your head’ right now.  When it comes to love and partner selection, most of us are way too emotional.  Well, you say, why can’t I just rely on the opinion of good friends or family members?  Because they too are ‘too close to’ your situation to not have an agenda or two.  A love coach has no ulterior motive.

It’s a well known, researched fact that new, or young, love, is a very powerful experience, one that actually creates for some of us, a type of ‘temporary insanity’.

That temporary, emotional insanity or ‘high’ is not just psychological.  When two individuals are feeling like ‘more than friends’, some very special chemical reactions are occurring between each of their pairs of ears.  When we are first ‘falling for’ or becoming ‘infatuated with’ someone else, powerful brain chemicals are being released at unusually high or low levels.

Most scientists who study the chemical phenomenon of ‘falling in love’ say it’s mother nature’s way of ensuring people come together.  After all, in earlier times, when humans faced life-threatening challenges more often than we do today, it was especially vital to form ‘bonds’ or ‘units’ to survive.  Even today, we haven’t lost our need for social contact and security.  And, of course, the second biggest reason nature needed to bring us together was to perpetuate our species.

Here’s the challenge for new couples: The challenge for all new couples (and each individual in the relationship) is to slow down and recognize that these feelings are normal for the stage you are in, but not likely to last.  So it’s normal right now to never see (or care about) your date’s obvious flaws, to feel very upset when you are separated from one another and to catch yourself daydreaming about your new ‘friend’ a lot.

The challenge is realizing you will need to re-focus on the rest of your life too.  You know, your responsibilities, your body, your health, your family and your work.  Don’t let your friends fall by the wayside.  Remember back to when I said that you are on an ‘emotional high’?  What tends to happen with rational decision making when we are high?

What may be missing for you at this stage is the ability to discern if this relationship has long term potential.  You may be feeling that it does, but does it?  Only time will tell.  As I love to say to couples together only a few months, “Just go and have fun, get to know one another, but, whatever you do, don’t make a lifetime commitment, or, entwine your lives by moving in together yet or combining finances.  The first six months don’t count.”

Why do I emphasize that the first six months doesn’t count? Because you need to go through the inevitable ‘let down’ of the emotional high, and the emergence of what it’s truly like to be sharing life with this person.  Then, and only then, will you be able to balance out the highs with the lows and determine if the reality (somewhere in the middle) is something you are willing to commit to…seriously.

And here’s the challenge for established couples: As the saying goes, ‘whatever goes up, must come down’.  In the earliest stages of attraction, called ‘lust’, testosterone and estrogen increase for women, leading us to think of the object of our affection (and sex) more frequently.  And, as attraction builds, increases in dopamine and adrenalin and decreases in serotonin lead to a loss of appetite and sleep and emotional highs and lows and more obsession on the object of our love.

After a period of time, our body ‘habituates’ or whatever it does (I’m not the chemist as you can tell!), and dopamine and adrenalin decreases back to it’s more normal rates and serotonin, which had decreased during the ‘love struck’ stage of early love, goes back to it’s usual levels.

Women with lower than average levels of testosterone normally (when not in the ‘falling in love’ stage) may find their desire level is lower than their partners.  But, that doesn’t mean you can’t raise them, by what you do.

The good news for ‘established’ couples, who sometimes wonder what happened to their sex drive is that these initial ‘rush’ chemicals can be raised with a little attention on their parts.  Ha…didn’t realize that pun till I’d written it! 

So, if you’re no longer a couple in the early days of your relationship, that doesn’t mean you need to trade your partner in for a new love.  You just need to keep dating your current love.  Don’t ever stop dating.  Don’t ever stop doing (and trying) new things together.  Keep it interesting, in and out of the bedroom.

The other really cool stage of love is the last one, called attachment.  This is where the chemical oxytocin is released, which helps us feel more bonded to our partner.  Want to feel closer to your partner?  It’s easy, just have a great sex life.

One of the big secrets to creating lasting, deeply satisfying lesbian love begins and ends with an understanding of your chemical makeup and, making those chemicals work for you rather than against you.

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach.  Attract Mz. Right Summer Camp for Single Lesbians starts 6/23/09.  Register by midnight PST on 6/20/09 and save 25% off – click here to learn all the details.

©2009, Barb Elgin.  All Rights Reserved

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

Wow, now there’s a quote that fits perfectly my message for you today.  I caught retired tennis great Chrissy Evert sharing this wisdom the other night on C-Span in the wee hours of the morning.  I was watching a recorded version of her appearance on a panel that former president George Bush put together, showcasing the success of women in the workplace. 

I encourage you to try this ‘rule’ out or, better yet, reflect on your life and your relationships and see if you’ve been living by the rule and, if so, how’s it working for you!?!  I know that in the past when I’ve applied the golden rule in my interactions with important others, personally and professionally, I’ve often found friction instead of something like ‘golden honey’. 

• building a bridge
• going from ‘I’ to ‘We’
• creating a third way that didn’t exist before
• learning or improving our communication

The Platinum Rule is great because it’s very flexible.  It applies across relationships.  For example, take parenting a child.  While you may set non-negotiable expectations in terms of their behavior, you can always treat your child with respect by how you handle difficult incidents, conversations, setting of rules, etc.  Find out how your child defines ‘respect’ and, start treating them that way.  And, despite your doubts, respect to a child doesn’t mean giving them everything they want…trust me…In fact, you might just find him or her giving you more of what YOU want, more often, in the process!

The Platinum Rule Begins with YOU!

I will even take this a step further (or shall I say, what needs to come even BEFORE you grace others with The Platinum Rule), and say that succeeding at practicing the Platinum Rule begins by treating yourself to the Platinum Rule.  That’s right!  And, just what do I mean? 

It means beginning every day giving yourself a dose of the Platinum Rule.  And remembering a frequent dosing schedule throughout the day!  Treat yourself like YOU want to be treated (versus worrying about what the world says is important).  You say that’s impossible because you work in a department where they frown on you for taking the break you are legally entitled to take? I say, ‘push back’ in little such ways as taking that break anyway. Your health will thank you and you’ll be setting a ‘kindler, gentler’ standard that others, even leaders, may begin to follow. The Platinum Rule can be contagious watch out! Interestingly, it seems that people can’t share the rule with others unless they’ve got some in their Platinum Rule ‘bank account’, if you will…Just like the mothers on the plane who are told to put on the oxygen mask first before worrying about saving their children.

Giving yourself the Platinum Rule means listening to your mind, body and spirit and acknowledging what you are feeling, thinking, etc.  It doesn’t mean becoming ‘self-centered’ or a ‘glutton’ (every Puritan’s greatest fear!), it just means being in communication with yourself and listening to what is going on inside yourself.  And it means responding to what’s going on with behaviors that seek to answer whatever you are communicating to yourself.

For example, how often does your body say ‘give me more sleep’ but you ignore it and instead keep going?  How often does your heart and soul long for a ‘break’ from your usual routine, but you choose to ignore it and not tell your partner what you are sensing?

It’s about getting real and, authentic!  And, because I am very spiritual in my own unique way, I believe you are here for a bigger purpose than the obvious ones and you need to prepare yourself for achieving those big goals you came here to achieve!

Authenticity and Shakespeare: We’re in Great Company

Now, a great discussion ensued the other day, when I mentioned to a client that ‘authenticity is overrated’.  Now, what in the heck do I mean?

Her concern was in preserving her perceived ‘authenticity’ given that she’d decided it wasn’t ‘safe’ to come out to a supervisor at work. We’d already explored all of the pros and cons of doing so and she’d determined it was still unclear if it was advantageous to her to ‘come out’ to this supervisor right now, who, by the way, is also a friend.   So, we left it that we’re going to continue the discussion next time by exploring the analogy of how a cell sustains life, but just let me say that survival (and survival must be in place in order for us to thrive), sometimes precludes us being completely honest and open with others sometimes. Getting your life going in a more authentic direction takes time and it’s a unique process for everyone! In fact, I’m truly amazed how much more authentically this client is living than when she first started coaching with me.

In fact, I think Shakespeare ‘got it’: We are truly always ‘on the stage’ with others.  We don’t have to stress out about that, however, we need to be mindful that our behaviors (and that includes words), effect others very powerfully. Perhaps the essence of true authenticity is honesty, but with class or as one of my colleagues Souldancer calls it, with style and grace! Afterall, if we were to take a literal interpretation of the word to heart, we’d probably be blurting out whatever we felt or thought before thinking it through, thus proverbally beating everyone over the head all the time with brute honesty, which I define as saying something that will obviously hurt the feelings of someone else, before stopping to think of how best to express your ‘truth’ about something! And, how do I define best in this context? Best would be, taking into consideration the other party(ies). Crafting a response that will hopefully preserve the relationship, resolve whatever is at issue and, perhaps even IMPROVE the relationship! So, you see, it’s not about honesty in general, but how to express honesty or ‘your truth’, isn’t it???

I hope you’ll post to the blog and tell me what you think about the PLATINUM RULE…How do you define it and how do you know you are practicing it in your relationships with others?  How would you define how you want to be treated to those who are most important to you in your life?  And, then, how will you go about getting more of those needs, wants and requirements met?  I suspect it begins with the Platinum Rule… 

Have a great week!

Barb Elgin

“One of the important principles I live by is the idea that you have to contemplate yourself as surrounded by the conditions you intend to produce. The difference between highly functioning people – the people Maslow called self-actualizers – and people who live with ordinary levels of consciousness is that the self-actualizers never put their intention on what they don’t want. They know that what you think about is what expands.”
- Dr. Wayne Dyer

So, here we are – you and I, coming together today.  Now, technically, we aren’t sitting down in front of each other, or, even speaking live and listening to one another’s voice or even instant messaging.  But, that is not what matters.  What matters, I  know deep in my heart, is that what we are doing here is forming a powerful, positive, connection between us for your greater good.

There is beautiful music that you and I can make together that you can’t create anywhere else.  Our relationship offers you something special that will inspire you to live the life your heart (instead of your ego) desires, because it is my intention to help you connect with the part of you that can give you what you need to create such a life.

My work, my legacy, my passion…is about offering you places…spaces…and faces, that support you for becoming your most magnificent self.  Period.  And, that is why I want to get to know you and why you’ll want to get to know, and hang around with, me.

HINT: This site is a blog.  That means it is a place where we can talk.  I will post lots of entries, sometimes daily.  The point of the posts is simply to create an ongoing dialogue of health, wellness, prosperity and fun.  A dialogue that creates an intimacy that…

• helps us build bridges by identifying the life-affirming and respectful values all of us can agree upon, in spite of our differences
• inspires us to enjoy discussions that help us live, love and work smarter
• reminds us to partake of discussions that follow abundant mottos such as, “givers gain” and “in our diversity lies our strength”

One of the most powerful ways I know to create what I want is by planting myself in the fertile soil of people, ideas and activities that help me be who I most want to be and do what I most want to accomplish.  That is what I sincerely hope this blog will help you do.  All you need to do is water the soil and spread some sunshine by showing up and participating.  Then, watch the quality of your life grow, like a beautiful flower.

So, please get involved by commenting on my posts.  You can do this whenever you want on any post by clicking on the ‘comments’ link at the bottom of each post),  What’s cool about this is that by publicly commenting, others will see your posts and be encouraged to offer wisdom or information that can help you and even the rest of our readers.

Or, if you’d like to keep it private, between you and I, call or email me.  Either way is fine.

So, please, feel free to click on the ‘comments’ link below and post or tell me by emailing me what you want to read and hear about.  I’m all ears (and eyes)!!!

Don’t be shy, send me a line and let me know what you need, I want to help you get it.

Barb Elgin