On the positive side, I look at today’s online environment for singles as a banquet or feast.  In addition to the ability to reach out and search practically anywhere in the world to find other women, the addition of testing to online search sites gives us some really cool ‘systems’ and ‘theories’, if you will, that we can dive into, learn, take their tests and determine things like ‘your type’ and ‘those who might be attracted to or, complementary to, you’.

Then – on the negative or, ‘realistically optimistic’ side, or devil’s advocate position – think of the feeling you get when you’ve eaten (or drank) too much!  I don’t know about you, but its’ easy to become ‘overwhelmed’ by all of the ‘newfangled’ theories and methods available about love and dating on the internet today.

The good news is that there is significant power and resources being put behind the ‘problem’ of ‘finding a date, soul mate or life partner’.  There are several big time corporations now organized and powerful enough to do large scale research and development, beyond what your typical university or professor can do, and, for the most part, the results (and benefits to you) are worth considering.

One example of a ‘cutting edge’, research-based ‘compatibility’ system added on to your basic online dating is the Chemistry.com system.  I might be somewhat positively-biased on this one because I know Helen Fisher, the anthropologist who created the heart of their ‘personality typing’ and ‘matching’ system.

Helen’s system is based on her love: evolution and biology.  Her system attempts to define all of us as having a dominant ‘temperament’ based on four brain chemicals: testosterone, estrogen, dopamine and serotonin.  Sound similar to any other ‘personality typing’ systems you know?  Those of you who are into psychological testing might say: Myers-Briggs or the Enneagram.

I don’t know if Helen’s system is any more ‘scientific’ than the Myers-Briggs, or if that even matters, anyway.  Has Fisher actually tested the brains of her subjects?  I doubt it.  I don’t even know if this sort of testing is even possible at this point.

It seems that these typing systems are intriguing, but, they have their critics.  I read an industry blog pretty regularly where a diverse group of business folk and researchers fight this out.  The social worker in me asks,

• What about the impact of social and psychological factors?
• What about those of us who don’t fall so strongly into one of the four categories?

From what I can see (from my corner of the universe – I am not, for example, a researcher), the state of the industry on this thing is that we may know, like we do with Helen’s system, who we are initially or naturally attracted to, but we still don’t really understand much about what separates those couples who do stay together over time from those who don’t.  Well, that’s not entirely untrue, but that’s a subject for another post.

It’s like the thing about finding a gay gene:  most likely there isn’t one gene, but a combination or interaction of many genes and, frankly, I hope they never find that exact combination out!

Now, what is really cool and undisputed about Helen’s work is the number of people she has access to study.  Helen says she has been able to study the responses of at least 4 million men and women, to date.  That is huge.  I’ve been communicating with Helen over the years and advocating for her to focus in on the lesbian community a bit more and, I emailed her earlier today to see if she is getting any further with that project.  (Of course I’ll let you know what I find out!)

So, Barb, you say, what does all of this mean for me?  Why should I care?  And, how do I use today’s online dating tools to my advantage?

To help you make greater sense of this ‘big ball o’ love’, I’ve come up with some simple tips you can follow, to help you use today’s online dating resources to your advantage.

TIP #1: Get clear what you are looking for before you look.

When a client says to me, ‘which dating site do I use or which one is best?’, I have to answer that first with a question: What is your vision for the ‘romantic relationship’ area of YOUR life? Your vision is very important, in terms of deciding what I would advise you do in terms of dating, partner searching, etc.

My bias is that lesbian women benefit in many ways when they make the conscious decision to value a deeply satisfying and lasting relationship as a centerpiece or, foundational element, of their life.  So my passion is helping the lesbian woman who is ready to become the kind of woman who does this well and help her find a woman she can build a deeply satisfying, lasting relationship with in this lifetime.  I believe it makes the most sense to focus most on becoming capable of long term love and finding a woman who is likewise capable of building a deeply satisfying, lasting relationship with you, in this lifetime.

Do you see the difference? I take this approach with my clients because I believe that creating a great love life for a lifetime is about so much more than who you are most naturally attracted to in a ‘chemical’ sense or ‘static’ sense.  That’s because no one fits perfectly into a box and people change, over time.

Also important in the mix is the issue of envisioning the type of relationship (not just person) you want to create with another woman.

Looking at these other very important aspects, I think, round out the limitations of systems that test and type and put you into a box.  What I mean by ‘putting yourself’ (or a potential match) into a box is limiting yourself too much, or, relying too heavily on these types of assessments and tests.

Systems like Chemisty.com are incredibly useful and important, just don’t make them the only means of assessing, experimenting and observing you do.  For example, while these systems may help you save time and really focus in on women you would really be interested in dating, you still need to date each person you are attracted to, to determine if this is someone you want to build your life around.

So – to answer the question, ‘Which dating site is best for me?’, I would say there is no, as of yet, one ‘perfect’ method of finding your ‘perfect match’ (even if there is an online dating company named that).  So, don’t worry, chances are you aren’t ‘missing anything’!

While Helen Fisher may love the method she’s created, and many others love it too, Helen is smart enough to know that even her method has limitations.  The worst thing anyone can do is forget the ‘spirit of the law’ or hit someone over the head with one of these methods.  Sorry to disappoint, but that’s important to remember!

TIP #2: Like investing in the stock market, your best bet is to diversify.  Use more than one resource – on and offline – when it comes to dating, up to the point of your feeling overwhelmed.

I suggest to all of my clients that, when it comes to finding compatible women to date, that they ‘cast the widest net’ possible, with the caveat – until you find it overwhelming.

Casting a wide net also includes using OTHER methods of meeting women, such as…

• telling your friends and family you want their help
• attending social events highly aligned with who you are and what you want
• using lower tech, higher touch services from a resource such as Coach Sappho (where I teach you how to take care of yourself and how to date in ways that result in you choosing a partner you CAN build an amazing future with)

So what’s my bottom line to date, on using online dating tools to your advantage in Attracting Mz. Right:

• Most importantly, have fun, no matter which tools and resources you choose!
• Try out different tools and ideas and approach each with a spirit of experimentation.  For example, why not take the next six months and date one woman each (either consecutively or, perhaps better, concurrently) from a variety of self-selected and ‘selected for you’ resources, such as Lez Rendezvous, Chemistry.com, an introduction from friends or family who know you well and one woman you met at an event or activity that is highly aligned with your values.
• While you date these women, be clear up front if you are ‘dating non-exclusively now with the intention of finding a life partner in the near future’.  Most of us don’t take enough time to really ‘play the field’.  Now you are free to do so, if you so dare!  HINT:  date coaching can help!
• When it comes to the information these various online matchmaking and dating sites spit out on you and the women you date, remember, be careful about relying solely on this information.  You’ve still got to ‘date’!  Remember?  One of the processes I’m very wary of in today’s information saturated culture is becoming influenced too much or controlled by what we read.  When we take something that may not even be true for us to heart, we may stop being free to take the actions we could take ‘because this is the way I am’ or ‘because it’s hopeless’.
• Don’t overwhelm yourself by engaging in more systems than you can enjoy.  Everyone is different – some people may have time and energy to sign up for – and use – 5 of these types of systems whereas others should  instead focus on one or two.  I think it’s a waste to sign up for systems you end up not using or you barely use.  It’s better to get the most use you can out of one or two systems rather than spread yourself too thin and not achieve the best results you can from any one of them.

I think you’ll agree this is a fascinating subject and something I will probably spend more time blogging about!

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach and Matchmaker.  Be sure to stop by www.coachsappho.com, pick up your FREE gifts as well as to learn about our exciting new singles club for lesbians and our community for lesbian couples.

© Copyright 2009, Barb Elgin.  All Rights Reserved.  Feel free to forward this article as long as attribution remains intact.

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

I’m especially excited to talk with mainstream audiences about ‘what a lesbian love coach can teach everyone about love’, because it’s such a vital topic, for the world, for politics, for each person’s health, family relationships, etc.

Below is information on three live radio appearances I have coming up in the next couple of weeks.  If you can listen in, be sure to do so.  Be sure to tell your family and friends to listen in too!:

This Saturday, April 18, 2009, at 6p ET – I’ll be chatting it up with Greg Halpen, The Gay Guy’s Love Coach.  You can listen in on your computer online at Blogtalkradio!

Monday, April 20, 2009, at 7:30a ET - Catch me live on Larry Whitler’s ‘AM Ocala Live‘ on WOCA Newstalk 1370 AM Marion County’s Information Station, based in my hometown, Ocala, Florida.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009, at 8:30a ET – I’ll be talking live on FM 92 in Minneapolis, Minnesota on KQRS, a ‘classic rock’ station on their morning show.

So be sure to enjoy dinner with me this Saturday and wake up with me on April 20th and 28th!  You’ll love it…  

Well, here it is Turkey Day Eve.  I was awakened by the ‘gesticulations’ of my 18 year old miniature pinscher and Beyonce shaking her booty on the Today Show!  Isn’t she cool?  Sasha Fierce, If I Were a Boy and If You Like It Shoulda Put a Ring on It! (her song for those who let the ‘best single ladies’ get away!).

And, speaking of the single ladies, err, I mean single LESBIANS, let’s LES RENDEVOUS at the Beach this New Years!  Coach Sappho’s Singles Club – Les Rendezvous – is sponsoring a bash for the single ladies at the beach in Florida.  Sound enticing???  Wouldn’t you like to ‘ring in the new year’ on New Year’s Eve hanging with some other very eligible single women in a warm, inviting spot???

We’re looking at all ideas and suggestions right now for where and when, so, I’m all ears and eyes.  Send your suggestions to barb@coachsappho.com.

In the meantime, have a safe, fun, satisfying Thanksgiving!

Barb Elgin

What is the most courageous ‘coming out’ action you are willing to take today in honor of National Coming Out Day’?

What action have you been wanting to take, that you know is most likely safe to take, that you’ve been ‘putting’ off, because of a most likely unrealistic fear? 

Stretch yourself!  And, believe me, when you do, it’ll feel good!!!  Gay or straight, the world needs you to stand up for gays, lesbians, transgenders and bisexuals because they are first and formost human beings – when you do you support human rights for all. 

And, in case you need to get your creative juices rolling, how about watching the following inspiring, heart-tugging, compassionate video created by the Human Rights Campaign in honor of  National Coming Out Day?  You’ve got to watch this video, which includes ‘words of wisdom’ from well known people such as Coretta Scott King, Rosa Parks, Sharon Stone, Ellen DeGeneres, and many more.

Click here to watch HRC’s webcast – it’s short and, oh so sweet – as a matter of fact, if I were you I’d have some tissues nearby (you’ll need a quicktime plug in to watch, which is easy to download now).

And, lastly, be sure to scroll down to the end of MY post and post YOUR ‘comments’ below!!!

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Also, and this is important – to recognize same sex couples on National Coming Out Day, I’d like to share with you a special message and FREE resource from my colleague and friend, Dr. Laurie Weiss:

Happy Coming Out Day to you!

Something from your past may be keeping you from having the fantastic, loving and supportive relationship you deserve now.

Sometimes relationships just don?t work out. They end abruptly and leave you feeling wounded. You feel angry, scared and sad. You?re afraid to trust, and keep holding back.

When you?re in a new relationship, these feelings get stirred up again in spite of your determined efforts to keep them at bay. It?s really hard to do what it takes to move forward in a new relationship.

You know you need something in order to move on and commit to the relationship you?re in right now.

That?s why I want you to have the important information that will help you release your past in order to enjoy a loving relationship now.

Otto Collins interviewed my husband and I when he was exploring the challenge of helping people heal after a broken relationship.

Jon and I have been married for 46 years and teaching people about relationships for over 35 years. Our book, Recovery from CoDependency: It?s Never Too Late to Reclaim Your Childhood, sold over 40,000 copies years ago and it?s actually still available now.

In answering Otto?s questions, we revealed the secrets to moving into and past your grief, dealing with anger, codependent relationships, clearing blocks and much more. You’re going to love this Reclaiming Yourself interview. You’ll find it very helpful in your healing journey, especially after a relationship break up or divorce ?even if it happened a long time ago.

This interview is contained in a 74 minute long MPU file that you download from a special link and play on your computer or on your ipod or MP3 player. You can even burn it onto a CD if you wish.

We?re offering you this interview as a very special bonus when you purchase your copy of Being Happy Together: How to Create a Fabulous Relationship With Your Life Partner in Less Than an Hour a Week by October 15 or after the first 50 copies are claimed?which ever comes first.

Click here to sign up now and be one of the first to receive this amazing book, while receiving the FREE mp3: Your Ideal Day exerise.

Barb Elgin and Laurie Weiss

p.s.  You know, HRC’s campaign for justice and fairness is called ‘talk about it’.  I find it ironic that THIS is in unison with the ‘ultimate’ message of Laurie’s book – talking about your relationship can and will make it better, if done well.  Laurie can help you do so!

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