Here we go again! Can you believe the holidays are almost upon us? For singles, holidays can be difficult in unique ways. While couples may be stressing out over which family to spend the holidays with or, arguing over how to budget for gifts, singles are often feeling lonely and ‘left out’. And, financially speaking, many don’t realize being single during the holidays can be tough in that you don’t have a partner to share the costs of gift giving.

Many singles dread the holidays because they fear going to parties and events alone. It’s easy to suggest to singles to ‘go with a group to parties’ or ‘call and invite a friend’, however, these solutions are not always practical or realistic.

Most singles will have to go to some events alone during the holidays.  What’s probably most upsetting about this for many singles is knowing there isn’t a partner to go to some events with, like they see their friends and family members doing.  When you have a partner, going alone to some events, when it’s necessary, isn’t as much of a bummer because you know you are going home to your partner.

While attending events with family and friends is nice, but it’s not the same as having a romantic partner to share time with during the holidays. Coupled lesbians often forget how it felt to be single during the holidays. If that’s you, ‘remember to remember’ your single friends this holiday season when you can.  Or, perhaps more importantly: just stay tuned into your friend. Does she (or doesn’t she) get upset during the holidays? If she does get bugged, what bugs her and how does she like to be supported when frustrated or experiencing negative feelings?

For those of us who celebrate Christmas, who hasn’t walked under the mistletoe at a dinner or party?  New Year’s Eve tends to be a particularly difficult holiday for many singles. Just imagine your favorite image of New Year’s Eve. Chances are you see couples partying the night away, including the proverbial kissing that goes at midnight.

So what’s a single lesbian got to do to get a date for New Year’s Eve?

If you are single (and not dating) right now, you can still find a date in time for New Year’s Eve, if you want one. It’s far from too late to get started. In the meantime, you may even find more than just a great date for the evening.

One secret to finding a great date for New Year’s Eve is taking some time today to begin getting focused on reaching your goal. You can easily start by setting aside 5-10 minutes to find a quiet, comfortable place to sit and visualize ‘in your mind’s eye’ that evening, complete with what you will be doing, where you will go, etc.

While you are dreaming up this wonderful vision, use ALL of your senses. Don’t just stop at the visual. Also dream with sounds, tastes, smells, touch, etc. Enjoy the process. After you’ve created a really cool ‘day dream’, just let your vision go. Then trust that you’ve already begun to set into motion your reaching your goal.

Want to learn four more secrets to attracting a great date for New Year’s Eve? Join me for Coach Sappho’s 5 Secrets to Finding a GREAT Date for New Year’s Eve.  We’ve offering three different days and times for the tele-seminars, to accomodate a wide variety of schedules and time zones.

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach and Matchmaker. Are YOU ready for love? Ready to find out? Take Coach Sappho’s FREE Love Quiz.

© Copyright 2009, Barb Elgin. All Rights Reserved. Feel free to forward this article as long as attribution remains intact.

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

On the positive side, I look at today’s online environment for singles as a banquet or feast.  In addition to the ability to reach out and search practically anywhere in the world to find other women, the addition of testing to online search sites gives us some really cool ‘systems’ and ‘theories’, if you will, that we can dive into, learn, take their tests and determine things like ‘your type’ and ‘those who might be attracted to or, complementary to, you’.

Then – on the negative or, ‘realistically optimistic’ side, or devil’s advocate position – think of the feeling you get when you’ve eaten (or drank) too much!  I don’t know about you, but its’ easy to become ‘overwhelmed’ by all of the ‘newfangled’ theories and methods available about love and dating on the internet today.

The good news is that there is significant power and resources being put behind the ‘problem’ of ‘finding a date, soul mate or life partner’.  There are several big time corporations now organized and powerful enough to do large scale research and development, beyond what your typical university or professor can do, and, for the most part, the results (and benefits to you) are worth considering.

One example of a ‘cutting edge’, research-based ‘compatibility’ system added on to your basic online dating is the Chemistry.com system.  I might be somewhat positively-biased on this one because I know Helen Fisher, the anthropologist who created the heart of their ‘personality typing’ and ‘matching’ system.

Helen’s system is based on her love: evolution and biology.  Her system attempts to define all of us as having a dominant ‘temperament’ based on four brain chemicals: testosterone, estrogen, dopamine and serotonin.  Sound similar to any other ‘personality typing’ systems you know?  Those of you who are into psychological testing might say: Myers-Briggs or the Enneagram.

I don’t know if Helen’s system is any more ‘scientific’ than the Myers-Briggs, or if that even matters, anyway.  Has Fisher actually tested the brains of her subjects?  I doubt it.  I don’t even know if this sort of testing is even possible at this point.

It seems that these typing systems are intriguing, but, they have their critics.  I read an industry blog pretty regularly where a diverse group of business folk and researchers fight this out.  The social worker in me asks,

• What about the impact of social and psychological factors?
• What about those of us who don’t fall so strongly into one of the four categories?

From what I can see (from my corner of the universe – I am not, for example, a researcher), the state of the industry on this thing is that we may know, like we do with Helen’s system, who we are initially or naturally attracted to, but we still don’t really understand much about what separates those couples who do stay together over time from those who don’t.  Well, that’s not entirely untrue, but that’s a subject for another post.

It’s like the thing about finding a gay gene:  most likely there isn’t one gene, but a combination or interaction of many genes and, frankly, I hope they never find that exact combination out!

Now, what is really cool and undisputed about Helen’s work is the number of people she has access to study.  Helen says she has been able to study the responses of at least 4 million men and women, to date.  That is huge.  I’ve been communicating with Helen over the years and advocating for her to focus in on the lesbian community a bit more and, I emailed her earlier today to see if she is getting any further with that project.  (Of course I’ll let you know what I find out!)

So, Barb, you say, what does all of this mean for me?  Why should I care?  And, how do I use today’s online dating tools to my advantage?

To help you make greater sense of this ‘big ball o’ love’, I’ve come up with some simple tips you can follow, to help you use today’s online dating resources to your advantage.

TIP #1: Get clear what you are looking for before you look.

When a client says to me, ‘which dating site do I use or which one is best?’, I have to answer that first with a question: What is your vision for the ‘romantic relationship’ area of YOUR life? Your vision is very important, in terms of deciding what I would advise you do in terms of dating, partner searching, etc.

My bias is that lesbian women benefit in many ways when they make the conscious decision to value a deeply satisfying and lasting relationship as a centerpiece or, foundational element, of their life.  So my passion is helping the lesbian woman who is ready to become the kind of woman who does this well and help her find a woman she can build a deeply satisfying, lasting relationship with in this lifetime.  I believe it makes the most sense to focus most on becoming capable of long term love and finding a woman who is likewise capable of building a deeply satisfying, lasting relationship with you, in this lifetime.

Do you see the difference? I take this approach with my clients because I believe that creating a great love life for a lifetime is about so much more than who you are most naturally attracted to in a ‘chemical’ sense or ‘static’ sense.  That’s because no one fits perfectly into a box and people change, over time.

Also important in the mix is the issue of envisioning the type of relationship (not just person) you want to create with another woman.

Looking at these other very important aspects, I think, round out the limitations of systems that test and type and put you into a box.  What I mean by ‘putting yourself’ (or a potential match) into a box is limiting yourself too much, or, relying too heavily on these types of assessments and tests.

Systems like Chemisty.com are incredibly useful and important, just don’t make them the only means of assessing, experimenting and observing you do.  For example, while these systems may help you save time and really focus in on women you would really be interested in dating, you still need to date each person you are attracted to, to determine if this is someone you want to build your life around.

So – to answer the question, ‘Which dating site is best for me?’, I would say there is no, as of yet, one ‘perfect’ method of finding your ‘perfect match’ (even if there is an online dating company named that).  So, don’t worry, chances are you aren’t ‘missing anything’!

While Helen Fisher may love the method she’s created, and many others love it too, Helen is smart enough to know that even her method has limitations.  The worst thing anyone can do is forget the ‘spirit of the law’ or hit someone over the head with one of these methods.  Sorry to disappoint, but that’s important to remember!

TIP #2: Like investing in the stock market, your best bet is to diversify.  Use more than one resource – on and offline – when it comes to dating, up to the point of your feeling overwhelmed.

I suggest to all of my clients that, when it comes to finding compatible women to date, that they ‘cast the widest net’ possible, with the caveat – until you find it overwhelming.

Casting a wide net also includes using OTHER methods of meeting women, such as…

• telling your friends and family you want their help
• attending social events highly aligned with who you are and what you want
• using lower tech, higher touch services from a resource such as Coach Sappho (where I teach you how to take care of yourself and how to date in ways that result in you choosing a partner you CAN build an amazing future with)

So what’s my bottom line to date, on using online dating tools to your advantage in Attracting Mz. Right:

• Most importantly, have fun, no matter which tools and resources you choose!
• Try out different tools and ideas and approach each with a spirit of experimentation.  For example, why not take the next six months and date one woman each (either consecutively or, perhaps better, concurrently) from a variety of self-selected and ‘selected for you’ resources, such as Lez Rendezvous, Chemistry.com, an introduction from friends or family who know you well and one woman you met at an event or activity that is highly aligned with your values.
• While you date these women, be clear up front if you are ‘dating non-exclusively now with the intention of finding a life partner in the near future’.  Most of us don’t take enough time to really ‘play the field’.  Now you are free to do so, if you so dare!  HINT:  date coaching can help!
• When it comes to the information these various online matchmaking and dating sites spit out on you and the women you date, remember, be careful about relying solely on this information.  You’ve still got to ‘date’!  Remember?  One of the processes I’m very wary of in today’s information saturated culture is becoming influenced too much or controlled by what we read.  When we take something that may not even be true for us to heart, we may stop being free to take the actions we could take ‘because this is the way I am’ or ‘because it’s hopeless’.
• Don’t overwhelm yourself by engaging in more systems than you can enjoy.  Everyone is different – some people may have time and energy to sign up for – and use – 5 of these types of systems whereas others should  instead focus on one or two.  I think it’s a waste to sign up for systems you end up not using or you barely use.  It’s better to get the most use you can out of one or two systems rather than spread yourself too thin and not achieve the best results you can from any one of them.

I think you’ll agree this is a fascinating subject and something I will probably spend more time blogging about!

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach and Matchmaker.  Be sure to stop by www.coachsappho.com, pick up your FREE gifts as well as to learn about our exciting new singles club for lesbians and our community for lesbian couples.

© Copyright 2009, Barb Elgin.  All Rights Reserved.  Feel free to forward this article as long as attribution remains intact.

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

I posted to a lesbian relationship blog I read quite often earlier today.  The blog’s creator lamented her frustration with the California decision and suggested perhaps we should stop wanting marriage and accept civil unions.

That’s a ‘mental space’ I’ve fallen into as well, at times.  That’s just what those who thrive on denying people civil rights want us to do.  That’s where I was back last year when I invited Evan Wolfson, from Freedom to Marry, to Coach Sappho’s podcast.  I was feeling defeated about gay marriage and, it’s chances of ever becoming the law of the entire U.S.

Evan does amazing work.  He’s an attorney by training, but he is also one of those experts in the marriage equality movement we need to emulate.  Evan’s words restored my faith in knowing that ‘what is right eventually comes to pass’.

If you are flagging in your faith or enthusiasm, I’d suggest you listen to my interview with Evan.  Click here to get your copy.  Just note the interview was done in early 2008, before the California supreme court ruled for equal marriage the first time (pre-Prop 8).

What I loved about this interview was Evan’s way of comparing the same sex marriage issue to other civil right’s issues our country has resolved.  Evan is sure eventually America will be inclusive of same sex marriage as well.  During the interview Evan gives many historical examples.  Great stuff.  And, I was so proud of my listeners who asked Evan some great questions!

Secondly, two items crossed my computer this week that I thought shed light on all that is good, ‘right’ and positive about gay marriage:

1)  A new study on gay married couples in Massachusetts reveals marriage matters – A new study being released this week that interviewed some of the first American gay couples given the right to marry shows the many ways marriage is positive, for gay couples, their children and the community at large.

Gay marriage matters:

I’m especially excited to talk with mainstream audiences about ‘what a lesbian love coach can teach everyone about love’, because it’s such a vital topic, for the world, for politics, for each person’s health, family relationships, etc.

Below is information on three live radio appearances I have coming up in the next couple of weeks.  If you can listen in, be sure to do so.  Be sure to tell your family and friends to listen in too!:

This Saturday, April 18, 2009, at 6p ET – I’ll be chatting it up with Greg Halpen, The Gay Guy’s Love Coach.  You can listen in on your computer online at Blogtalkradio!

Monday, April 20, 2009, at 7:30a ET - Catch me live on Larry Whitler’s ‘AM Ocala Live‘ on WOCA Newstalk 1370 AM Marion County’s Information Station, based in my hometown, Ocala, Florida.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009, at 8:30a ET – I’ll be talking live on FM 92 in Minneapolis, Minnesota on KQRS, a ‘classic rock’ station on their morning show.

So be sure to enjoy dinner with me this Saturday and wake up with me on April 20th and 28th!  You’ll love it…  

I’ll be appearing LIVE on two radio shows this coming week and YOU don’t want to miss out on the fun.  On both shows I’ll be sharing with the hosts and listeners ‘What America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach Can Teach Everyone About Love’ so be sure to tune in:

Saturday, April 18, 2009 at 6p ET – Hear me live on The Gay Guys Love Coach show on blogtalkradio.  Greg Halpen, the show’s creator, has invited me on to talk about luscious living and loving for GLBT’s and everyone, for that matter.  Click here to get all the details.

Monday, April 20, 2009 at 7:30am ET (that’s no typo – AM it is!) – I’ll be hitting the local airwaves here in Ocala, Florida by appearing live on WOCA’s ‘AM Ocala Live’ Show, hosted by Larry Whitler and Robin MacBane.  WOCA is Station 1370 on the AM dial.

So don’t forget to mark your calendar now for these two, upcoming events!  As I like to say…

LUSCIOUS Living and Loving just can’t wait…  

Barb Elgin

Lez Be Together

We’ve been talking about it’s birth during meetings of Coach Sappho’s Couples Circle for months now and, I’ve finally gotten it together enough to put it out there.

Lez Be Together is free, all the way, and it’s for anyone who values deeply satisfying, lasting love relationships.  Lez Be Together also supports couples who recognize how improving one’s relationship with one’s romantic partner usually contains gems for helping us improve other important relationships in our lives, including parent-child relationships, sibling relationships, family relationships, work relationships, etc.

Lez Be Together has a boatload of online opportunities for you to celebrate your relationship, strike up discussions that enthrall you on the subject, connect with other like-minded couples who also want to create a great relationship and much, much more!

Simply said, I can’t wait for you to check it out.

Just click here to learn more.  Enjoy…

What a great time, btw, for someone to enlist support!  I remember back to my therapy training days when we learned that crises may seem overwhelming but they are also a time when we are more open to change.  That’s right – the Chinese were right – crisis =’s opportunity!  And making some internal changes (as well as some changes in her actions) will be required of this client if she expects to ever stop ‘leasing’ U-Hauls!!! 

Being Single Doesn’t Mean You Are Ready To Meet Your Soul Mate

The first thing I suggested this client do, however, is understand that being single is not synonymous with being ‘ready’ to find a life partner.  How many newly single folks do you know who rush out into the dating pool right away???  Usually that leads to disaster or ‘more-of-the-same’ you’re trying to avoid.  Many people believe that availability equals readiness and that’s just not true.  In fact, most of us have never encountered the concept of readiness and it’s importance in our lives.

So, I suggested to this client that she put any thoughts of dating on hold for the next couple of months while we explore the concept of readiness and how it applies to her.  A great place for anyone to start when one is single and seeking their life partner, whether or not one is already dating, is assessing one’s readiness for love. 

What is Readiness and Why is it So Important

Readiness is about having your ‘house in order’ as much as you can prior to considering ‘combining’ or ‘joining’ your life with another person.  Another way of saying it is that readiness is about having an awareness of who you are and what you want so that you can identify it when you are experiencing it with another person.  Readiness is also about being strong enough to ‘stay the course’ until one gets what one requires, needs and wants in a relationship before making a life commitment to that relationship.  Now, you tell me – are you truly ready for the relationship you say you want???

There are at least 10 Love Readiness areas, such as…

Breaking readiness down into these 10 categories makes it easy to define ‘how ready you are’ in each critical life area.  No, there is no such thing as ‘perfect readiness’ so you don’t have to worry about that, but, what most of us find is that we can improve our readiness.  What’s the benefit of doing this internal, what I call ‘heart work’?  The benefit is that regardless of whether you find a partner you will be a happier person.  Also – people who are ready for love tend to attract more potential life partners and, when they do, know how to date to figure out if a particular partner is for them.

So if you are single, take heart.  Did you know there are now more single people in America than married people?  It’s true.  So the pool is large!  Add to that the fact that more lesbians are living open and honest lives and that there are more interesting and exciting places for lesbians to meet than ever before and I think I can get you to agree with me when I say you may not feel like it yet but, truly, you have the world in the palm of your hand!  Don’t settle for anything less…

If you’d like to learn more about this readiness thing, I’d recommend you take Coach Sappho’s Readiness Quiz.  It’s free, short and sweet and oh so helpful!  OR, if you can’t stand taking quizzes, how about coming to the next, LIVE, Coach Sappho’s ‘Be Ready for Love’ Podcast?

I can’t wait to meet you!

Barb Elgin

“One of the important principles I live by is the idea that you have to contemplate yourself as surrounded by the conditions you intend to produce. The difference between highly functioning people – the people Maslow called self-actualizers – and people who live with ordinary levels of consciousness is that the self-actualizers never put their intention on what they don’t want. They know that what you think about is what expands.”
- Dr. Wayne Dyer

So, here we are – you and I, coming together today.  Now, technically, we aren’t sitting down in front of each other, or, even speaking live and listening to one another’s voice or even instant messaging.  But, that is not what matters.  What matters, I  know deep in my heart, is that what we are doing here is forming a powerful, positive, connection between us for your greater good.

There is beautiful music that you and I can make together that you can’t create anywhere else.  Our relationship offers you something special that will inspire you to live the life your heart (instead of your ego) desires, because it is my intention to help you connect with the part of you that can give you what you need to create such a life.

My work, my legacy, my passion…is about offering you places…spaces…and faces, that support you for becoming your most magnificent self.  Period.  And, that is why I want to get to know you and why you’ll want to get to know, and hang around with, me.

HINT: This site is a blog.  That means it is a place where we can talk.  I will post lots of entries, sometimes daily.  The point of the posts is simply to create an ongoing dialogue of health, wellness, prosperity and fun.  A dialogue that creates an intimacy that…

• helps us build bridges by identifying the life-affirming and respectful values all of us can agree upon, in spite of our differences
• inspires us to enjoy discussions that help us live, love and work smarter
• reminds us to partake of discussions that follow abundant mottos such as, “givers gain” and “in our diversity lies our strength”

One of the most powerful ways I know to create what I want is by planting myself in the fertile soil of people, ideas and activities that help me be who I most want to be and do what I most want to accomplish.  That is what I sincerely hope this blog will help you do.  All you need to do is water the soil and spread some sunshine by showing up and participating.  Then, watch the quality of your life grow, like a beautiful flower.

So, please get involved by commenting on my posts.  You can do this whenever you want on any post by clicking on the ‘comments’ link at the bottom of each post),  What’s cool about this is that by publicly commenting, others will see your posts and be encouraged to offer wisdom or information that can help you and even the rest of our readers.

Or, if you’d like to keep it private, between you and I, call or email me.  Either way is fine.

So, please, feel free to click on the ‘comments’ link below and post or tell me by emailing me what you want to read and hear about.  I’m all ears (and eyes)!!!

Don’t be shy, send me a line and let me know what you need, I want to help you get it.

Barb Elgin