I happened to see an Oprah ‘summer rerun’ this afternoon.  The topic: finding one’s spiritual path.  Ahh, I treated myself – it was a pleasure actually sitting down and watching a show without distractions.  The guests included a panel of ‘spiritual’ thought leaders including Rev. Michael Beckwith, Rev. Ed Bacon of a ‘progressive’ Episcopolian church in California and Elizabeth Lesser of the Omega Institute (gosh did I used to love looking at their catalogs!).

Below, and interspersed throughout this post, I’m going to quote what was said during the show, which Oprah has put up on her site summarizing the people’s stories shared, because one day she may take those words down and they are so powerful I want to always be able to look at them again.

While the teachers talked with several people who are experiencing some truly huge obstacles, the highlight for myself and, I’m sure gay people around the world came about ten minutes before the show ended.  The panel was taking live, video Skype calls and the one they took at ten before the hour was of an African American man, in his early 30′s, who very openly stated he was gay.

He wanted the teacher’s help as he said he has a long history of running up debts and that he didn’t know why but he was tired of it and wanted to start getting his life together.

Reverent Bacon started right up talking about this crisis really being a chance for the man’s soul to grow and, he said, as hard as that is for everyone it is especially hard for gays because being gay in our world is not usually thought of as a gift, but it is.  Simply put, as I always like to say, the creator doesn’t make accidents!

Oprah, as usual, chimed in with perfect comedic timing, when she said, ‘I think that’s the first religious person I’ve ever met who has ever said being gay is a gift!’  Of course, Beckwith chimed in and high-fived with Bacon and reminded watchers: ‘we are talking here about spirituality, not religion’.

Bacon said that no one in this world succeeds alone and that what the world does to gay people is try to isolate them.  And, as I know, so many of us at so many times in our lives, have let this happen.   For example, many gay people may be 40, 50 or 60 years old and in a gay love relationship but their family doesn’t know.  Or, their family does know but won’t extend the same love and support to their family member, his or her partner and their relationship that they easily extend to the straight couples in the family.

As a result of growing up feeling he had to hide his true self, Elizabeth believes Sedrick could be looking for fulfillment in the wrong places. “Instead of just being genuinely who you are in the world, which is the biggest thrill there is, actually, you start to do things,” she says. “Jumping out of planes or being in debt, because that’s sort of in a twisted kind of way making you feel really alive.”

Sedrick says this is what he has struggled with for most of his life. “I’ve mastered being one person on the outside, and it’s completely opposite of who I am,” he says.  SUCH IS THE STORY OF SO MANY OF US…

So, by reading today’s post, I am sure you will understand why I just had to remark on today’s Oprah.  THANK YOU, Oprah, for bringing this very special group of people to the world’s eyes, ears and hearts.  You don’t know how many hearts you may have changed by this show!

Below, as I promised, what Oprah wrote about each of these spiritual teachers…

• Michael Bernard Beckwith is the founder and spiritual director of Agape International Spiritual Center in Los Angeles. He is a featured teacher in the film and book The Secret and is the author of Spiritual Liberation.

Michael says love, peace, harmony and wisdom are everlasting qualities “They’re real and they’re eternal, and so when an individual is connected to those qualities and begins to exude them and express them, at that moment, they’re in the spirit,” he says. “And when an individual is mature enough to express that on a regular basis, we can say that they’re spiritually mature.” Regardless of the temporary problems you may be experiencing, Michael says the connection to love, peace and harmony stays with you. “That which carries you when you’re going through tough times,” he says. “That’s what it means to be spiritual.”

• Elizabeth Lesser is the co-founder of Omega Institute, America’s largest adult holistic education center, and the author of Broken Open and A Seeker’s Guide.

According to Elizabeth, spirituality is within everyone’s reach. Just as we all have the instinct to eat, sleep and drink, Elizabeth says spirituality is ingrained in all of us. “There’s this instinct inside of each and every one of us that there’s more to life than meets the eye,” she says. Elizabeth says spirituality is our intuition that there is something greater to life than the daily grind. “It’s the fearlessness to ask the big questions,” she says. “Who am I? What’s my purpose? Life? Where do we go when we die? And how do we live a fully alive, meaningful, giving, generous life when we’re here?”

• The Rev. Ed Bacon is the rector of All Saints Episcopal Church in Pasadena, California, a well-known liberal and progressive church in both its theology and politics.

He defines spirituality as a meaningful connection. “It is about our being connected with one another and connected with the cosmos,” he says. “It is the process of being healed, forgiven, empowered to go into the world, to be fully alive.”

The Rev. Bacon says full, unconditional love is the essence of spirituality. “It’s that experience of love that connects you with everyone, connects you with your past, connects you with your future, gives you hope and excitement about going into the next day, going into the next moment.”

Rev. Bacon says crisis is merely the threshold for something bigger to come. “Let the old die because the new is going to be even better than you could ever have imagined,” he says. “The metaphor I love for that is pruning. We get old, nonfruitful parts of our lives are pruned away so that something new and more fruitful can blossom.”

A very cool story recalled by Oprah is the one of the man who survived a plane crash…

“After years of being on television, nothing excites Oprah more than experiencing a defining spiritual moment. “Two years ago, John Diaz was here talking about surviving a horrific plane crash,” Oprah says. “What he said that day is something that I know so many of you who heard it will never forget.”

After the plane crashed, John says he saw people strapped into their seats, burning. As he watched, he says he noticed what appeared to be auras leaving their bodies, some brighter than others. “I thought, ‘The brightness and dimness of the auras were how one lives one’s life,’ so to speak,” he says. “That’s one of the major things that really has changed within me … I want to live my life so my aura, when it leaves, is very bright.”

Elizabeth believes the colorful auras were people who fully lived their lives. “What the world needs are people who have come alive. That’s what we all need to do to become fully ourselves,” she says. “Alive. Joyful. Present in every moment.”

By the way, Oprah ended this episode with a tribute to one of her favorite all time mentors:  little Mattie Stepanek, whom I’ve blogged about before here on this blog (I’m still trying to find the post, unfortuantely, it may have been lost on my old blog server).

Mattie passed away in 2004, but his mom has helped to create a ‘Mattie’ memorial in the Washington, DC.  Oprah was there last October to dedicate the event.  Be sure to stop by Mattie’s site and if you are going to buy one of his books, do so there, so you can help out his foundation, whose mission is to…

“To continue spreading Mattie’s message of hope and peace through ongoing peace programs, and educational and recreational contests in schools and communities.”

For more from today’s Oprah show, click here.

————

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach.  Attract Mz. Right Summer Camp for Single Lesbians starts 6/23/09.  Register by midnight PST on 6/20/09 and save 25% off – click here to learn all the details.

©2009, Barb Elgin.  All Rights Reserved

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

“Whatever you hold in your mind will tend to occur in your life. If you continue to believe as you have always believed, you will continue to act as you have always acted. If you continue to act as you have always acted, you will continue to get what you have always gotten. If you want different results in your life or your work, all you have to do is change your mind.” – Unknown

I received the above quote in the ezine of a colleague of mine earlier today.  It got me to thinking about the coming holidays and the new year and it got me curious about you and your life.  I am a deep believer in the benefit of reflection and visioning and it’s positive impact on one’s life.

So, I’ll ask…

“Do you think it would help you to slow down for a few hours this December, reflect upon wisdom gained in 2007 and use what you learn, along with what your heart longs for today, to begin planning for a great 2008?”

Now, you don’t have to do so alone.  I’ve decided to offer my

Gearing Up for Greater Abundance in 2008 Tele-seminar

again this year.  Last year, I had quite a bit of interest in the program so I thought I’d run it again!  This program is for everyone and it is not solely relationship-focused like most of my programs (meaning: you have a choice if you want to focus on relationships or some other area(s) of your life)!

Gearing Up for Greater Abundance in 2008 Tele-seminar

is a three session program that will help you ‘prime’ yourself for an amazing 2008.  During

Gearing Up for Greater Abundance in 2008′s Tele-seminar you will…

• reflect upon your learnings, disappointments and new awarenesses from 2007
• dream big for 2008 and ‘bring your dreams out of hiding’ using some of my favorite ‘visioning’ exercises
• identify and clear out the limiting beliefs that have been stopping you from realizing your vision
• create your unique plan for manifestation in 2008

In addition to these objectives, you will have the benefit of being part of an amazing group of ‘like-minded’ individuals also tuning into themselves and their heart’s desires.  I can tell you from past experience leading these groups and being a participant of them, that the new relationships, ideas, suggestions and support that grow out of participation in one of these tele-seminars is often priceless as far as the value it adds to one’s life!

I’m going to lead this program on Wednesday evenings – December 5th, 12th and 19th from 7:30p-9p ET ONLY and I am going to limit it to 5-10 participants to ensure lots of attention to participant’s needs so be sure to register today to ensure your spot in the class!

In addition, the program will be recorded and will be available to participants only (in case a participant can’t make a ‘live’ meeting and
for participants to refer back to during 2008 for support).

Click here to register now.

AND AS A BONUS:  I’ll be running a contest each night of the class where I’ll be choosing a class member’s name to receive a complimentary gift, Coach Sappho’s FIND YOUR SOUL MATE IN ’08′ HOLIDAY GIFT PACKAGE ($129.00 value)!!!  That’s right – this means I’ll be giving away three of these valuable packages.  In an intimate class of 5-10 people the odds are high you’ll win one!!!!

BE well,

As Americans celebrate Thanksgiving, I thought I’d share my ‘heart thoughts’ on the single most important thing you can do today to celebrate the holiday…

Thank yourself and be grateful for YOU!

That’s right!  Take some time today to thank yourself for all that you are and all that you do.  We live in a culture that tends to be so judgmental and/or ‘externally’ focused.  We live in a world that too often values how much we make, how big or modern a home we live in, how much we ‘go all out’ in celebrating, etc.

Now, externals aren’t all bad, mind you.  I too am of the belief that material abundance and inner abundance can go ‘hand-in-hand’.

I hope you’ll take a few minutes to realize all you do for others.  I hope you’ll reflect upon all that’s ‘right’ and ‘good’ about you.  And I hope you’ll think about all the wonderful characteristics that make up you.  Your core values, your strengths, your uniqueness and how you positively impact the world.

This is not a selfish, mediate on your navel suggestion.  Taking care of you (the golden goose) is vital to continuing to lay those golden eggs!  This is ESPECIALLY important if you are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered (or intersexed, for that matter), because society doesn’t fully yet ‘get’ our value to the whole and, instead, often tries to take away our joy.  Don’t let them! 

Just because some people still have ‘issues’, INSIDE OF THEM (not you) regarding gender and sex, that doesn’t mean YOU have to take on their problems or burdens.

So, don’t lose ‘you’ in the process of today’s events.  There are many ways to ‘lose you’ today.  However, I won’t even list them here, because words have power.  Instead I want you to envision the day you desire and then, go forth with your day.  Period! 

As you are challenged to stay WITH your vision of a perfect day, just remember the ‘voice of Coach Sappho’ inside your head and heart, gently encouraging you back on YOUR path…

Part of your perfect day vision probably includes remembering to do at least a couple of the daily routines you participate in that keep you well, such as exercise, meditation, prayer, making love (like how I put that right next to prayer!?!), even some good ‘ol portion control or, at a minimum, eating small portions of the most ‘fattening’ stuff, etc….

And let me know how doing all of this impacts the Thanksgiving you experience!  Post your thoughts and feelings about it all right here on the blog.

Lastly, if you are despairing today, take a moment and read the words Orlando realtor and colleague, Danny Veal, sent me in a Thanksgiving email card today.  What a positive ‘reframe’ indeed, so, thank you! Danny…

Thoughts for Thanksgiving

Be thankful that you don’t already have everything you desire. If you did, what would there be to look forward to?

Be thankful when you don’t know something, for it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times. During those times you grow.

Be thankful for your limitations, because they give you opportunities for improvement.

Be thankful for each new challenge, because it will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes. They will teach you valuable lessons.

Be thankful when you’re tired and weary, because it means you’ve made a difference. It’s easy to be thankful for the good things. A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are also thankful for the setbacks.

Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive. Find a way to be thankful for your troubles, and they can become your blessings.

Have a wonderful day!

Barb Elgin
Founder/CEO
Coach Sappho?
Inspiring healthy and fulfilling
lesbian dating and mating!

I was talking to a client the other day about her family relationships and an interesting distinction for me began to emerge…

Is it possible that being ‘tolerated’ by our loved ones, employers, employees, etc., is worse than outright rejection, when it comes to their full acceptance of who we are as GLBT’s?

I say this because this absolutely wonderful, outwardly successful 40-something lesbian woman seems to be showing the signs of ‘wear’ on this issue.  She says that, for years, she’s accepted her family’s tolerance of her.  Afterall, they didn’t outright ‘shun’ her.  Her family has always welcomed her partners into their home, as in invited them to holiday dinners, family picnics, etc. 

However, on the other hand, the family never talks about the invisible elephant in the living room:  that their daughter is gay and that they accept her as equal to them.  Instead, their overall behavior has evidenced something else:  alot of underlying disapproval, judgement, etc.  And, she accepted this ‘not feeling okay to talk about it’ and kept quiet about her life.  For example, she didn’t share with her family when she and her partner’s anniversary was, what they did to celebrate, etc., and family never bothered to ask.

She didn’t come out to other relatives and neither did her family tell relatives.  It seemed they were ashamed.

And when her almost two decades old relationship ended, her family didn’t reach out to her and comfort her or, even, check in once in awhile to ask how she was doing now that she had moved to a new state and was living alone.  Why wouldn’t they?  Perhaps since they didn’t see her love relationship as a ‘real’ love relationship or marriage, it makes sense that they’d look at the ending of that relationship as unimportant too. 

And, to add insult to injury, they probably, in their own minds, added a dollop of ‘well of course her relationship ended – gay relationships don’t last!’, thus feeling righteous and ‘all is well with the world’ where, in a different home, someone else – their dear daughter or sister – was suffering. 

The invisibility of gay and lesbian divorces

My client’s family didn’t see her ‘divorce’ as a divorce like in the straight world, even though on all levels – emotional, social, financial, physical – my client grieved all of these changes and losses just as deeply as anyone going through the ending of a relationship, whether that be by death, divorce, even choice, etc.

So, what do I mean when I say this client is ‘showing signs of wear’?  She’s got other issues going on, don’t get me wrong.  She’s still grieving the ending of a previous relationship.  Her small business is struggling to grow.  I’ve been coaching her to build a more successful single life, which she is showing signs of progress.  For example, she’s going to more lesbian social events.

However, she is still also seeking too much solace in food.  And last week her doc told her something she’d never heard before:  her blood pressure is borderline high.  She doesn’t smoke or use drugs, but she doesn’t exercise enough.  She’s very busy with her business and taking care of her daily needs (which DOES take more time and energy when you are single).

So, why not blame her behavior choices?  Because I think her family is very much a part of the equation.  She’s become so ‘careful’ when she’s around them; to not offend, to be gracious and kind, that she’s being too much of a doormat with them still.  And, of course she ‘edits’ herself around her family.  She doesn’t feel comfortable saying alot of things because she is waiting to hear family say ‘do it’ first.  And, she feels hurt and perhaps, ‘gives up’ or ‘stuffs it’ when she thinks about how her parents, siblings, in laws, etc. view her. 

I suspect that all of this trying to make nice so people will approve of her or love her more is eating her up inside.  Over time, this has led her body’s ‘fight or flight’ system to run ragged and now it is showing signs of ‘wear and tear’.  Perhaps this woman’s experience is a microcosm of why many lesbian women are susceptible to certain health problems?

The cost of being inauthentic catches up with all of us

My client realized recently that her choice over the years to not demand better treatment is haunting her.  She realized this during a very authentic discussion she shared with her mom the other day.  Her mom was trying to explain why the family had a hard time with her ‘lifestyle’, and of course, as usual, offered the bitter pill of: “but at least we’ve never disowned you!”  As if this was supposed to be a comfort.

My client’s mom then said that perhaps one of the reasons they’d never evolved in terms of greater acceptance and celebration of my client was ‘because we got used to it being the way it was’.  Meaning:  my client had allowed it!

I was proud of my client because she was able, during this discussion, to express to her mom that this wasn’t enough anymore and that the problem needing resolution here lay within the family members not her!  And, she suggested to her mom that she start to get out there and meet other parents of adult gay kids.  She told her mom about PFLAG and even lent her mom a book on the subject with the statement ‘I sure hope you follow up by reading some of this book’.

Together we are an ocean, but each of us drops must do our part

All of this reminded me of a remark Martina Navratilova made a couple of weeks ago during her award acceptance speech at the NGLCC’s National Dinner.  Martina stated, and I quote,

“I don’t want homosexual rights.  I want equal rights, period!  It’s not about gay rights, it’s about human rights.”

During Martina’s speech, she also kidded about other’s thinking they have a right to talk about me and who I am as a ‘lifestyle’.  I am very fed up with that one too!

The bottom line is this:  As Martina also shared, we can’t expect the world to accept us, unless we first accept ourselves.  She says we can all do more, our part.  She also likened each of us to a drop in the ocean.  She said that the ocean is made of millions and millions of drops, and each of us is just one.  Her dream is for all those drops coming together.

I also say it another way – this is OUR world too and it’s time to stand up and take what’s ours!  We can’t wait for someone to gift it to us.  Because apparently, they never will…

Back to my client.  We’re going to work on all of the above in the weeks ahead and I’ll be sharing more about her story as it unfolds.  Her highest priority is getting that blood pressure thing straightened out.  I’ll be supporting her efforts to do so.

Have an ‘authentically loving’ weekend!

Barb Elgin

Great people, by the way.  I met folks from all over the world as well as neighbors/colleagues I didn’t know I had!  It’s really funny how that works.  The world is truly a small place. 

The conference took place at a resort-style hotel in Orlando.  You know psychiatrists – they work hard and play hard!  I do know we sure ate well!

At the risk of over-simplifying (which is truly impossible to avoid, but I’ll do my best), I’d like to share with you some of the most memorable information I learned during this ‘cutting edge’ conference:

• The field of medicine is coming to understand that depression is a ‘whole body’ illness (versus a condition that is ‘all in your head’).  What this means is that the body and brain are somehow closely involved in creating depression and/or creating or exacerbating traditional ‘physical’ illnesses such as heart disease and diabetes.
• The field of medicine is also coming to respect the so-called ‘psychosomatic’ illness of fibromyalgia as a serious medical diagnosis.
• Talk therapies and exercise, not just medications, can work together (and sometimes on their own) to improve mood and save or grow cell volume in important areas of the brain.
• Un- or under-treated depression can lead to the death of brain cells in key areas of the brain (leading to problems in cognition, memory, the ability to organize/plan, make sound decisions, etc.).
• Great strides are being made in the treatment of bipolar disorder (while bipolar, mixed continues to be the hardest to treat) as well as schizophrenia.
• There is a ‘revolution’ growing amongst physicians who are starting to stand up to the negative impact managed care is having on the doctor-patient relationship.

In addition to all of this technical stuff, one of the most well attended lectures was one given by a psychiatrist whose specialty is love!  I was very intrigued by his presentation and plan to explore his work as it might help me enhance my abilities in working with singles and couples.

Speaking of which, the last idea I want to share with you that was discussed during the conference was the topic of personality change over one’s lifetime.

Yes, all of us have ‘personalities’ that make you ‘you’ and me ‘me’.  However, this ‘unique-ness’  does change for most of us over the course of our lifetimes.  Would I recognize you at 70 if I hadn’t spent any time with you since you were 20?  Great question, isn’t it?

I do know this:  if I accepted every theory about personality that emphasized immutability over adaption and evolution, I probably wouldn’t have chosen coaching as a career.  I tend to minimize theories that look at my personality as fixed.  For example:  if I accepted the theory that people who are shy can’t become less so, you probably wouldn’t have met me because I’d be in a much less visible profession!

I look at most personality tests or assessments as a ‘starting point’, meaning, here is how you look at ‘you’ right now.  But, that doesn’t mean that’s it.  The problem with these sorts of tests and theories starts when we LIMIT ourselves based on our scores.

The problem with personality tests, theories and ‘results’/'scores’, in my opinion, occurs when individuals take them as the gospel truth and start to live their lives IN REACTION TO them or as a SELF-FULFILLING PROPHECY!  I don’t know about you but I don’t believe I’m merely reduceable to a number, label or technical phrase. 

In addition, when we start using a personality score as an excuse to stop engaging as fully as we can with life, I think we are in trouble.

Where do we draw the lines?  At what point are medications actually detrimental, as well?  The answers aren’t always clear cut and I don’t think Thomas Szasz, the guy who debunks most psychology, is completely nuts!  There is some truth to the thought that labelling someone immediately puts a distance between you and them and/or reduces them to a ‘case’ instead of a person.

I look at humans as much less ‘determined’ than most personality theories would suggest.  Given the right kind and amount of support, most humans can blossom in incredible ways.  And, we now know that the brain doesn’t stop growing once we become adults.  So, I don’t buy anyone’s excuse not to try because they are ‘too old to change’!  We just need to figure out someone’s passion and help them create change in a way that impassions them to do so!

Lastly, personality ‘traits’ and sexual orientation are two different things.  Sexual orientation, on the whole, is not chosen, while personality (or, behavior) is more malleable.  I know some folks will disagree with me however, that is my sense of things at this point, given the research.