So, if gays can fight and die for their country, why can’t they marry people they love?  -ABC’s Jake Tapper.

I’ve been taking a break from my blogging lately, if you hadn’t noticed. I apologize if you’ve missed me!

And, I just returned from Christmas celebrations, mostly enjoyed up north with family and friends. While I was away, the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (DADT) happened. I am amazed at how it all came together ultimately.  Aren’t you?  Of course, ask those central to making this happen and you will hear how ‘blood, sweat and tears’ it took to make DADT go away.

Driving home yesterday, I happened to listen in on a conservative radio station. Of course, they believe repeal of DADT is immoral.  And, those of us who believe the opposite believe DADT was what was immoral.  I know one thing:  I’m grateful we have a democratic President in office awhile.   I agree with Rachel Maddow, who recently said, ‘DADT caused massive damage to many lives.’

Apparently, President Obama, who has publicly stated he doesn’t believe in gay marriage, is even reconsidering that other very controversial anti-gay federal law – The Defense of Marriage Act.  He is even reconsidering gay marriage.  During an interview after signing the repeal of DADT he was asked by reporter Jake Tapper:

So, if gays can fight and die for their country, why can’t they marry people they love?

Yes, indeed.  Why can’t they?  I would reword his question to say: Why can’t gays and lesbians marry the person they love?  Lest someone start saying:  oh, they want to marry more than one person!?! 

If nothing else, the repeal of DADT reminds me how keeping the faith and keeping one’s ‘eyes on the prize’, even when it’s difficult to do so and defeat seems certain, often brings victory.   I am amazed…

Hello there!  I’m so glad to be back home after my amazing trip north for a niece’s wedding, visiting with family and colleagues, enjoying Maryland steamed crabs, etc.  Ahhh…look to the left, here I am at the close of my trip enjoying the hot, hot Baltimore Gay Pride Festival!

One of the many emails I returned to after my trip contained a very important article I really want you to read because it simply reminds all of us how UNEQUAL the tax laws are for gay and lesbian couples in the United States.

The article reminds us that only 65% of Americans in general have a will, and it often takes a crisis such as a death to spur us to act.  According to the article, entitled ‘Gay Couples Caught in Financial Limbo’, gay and lesbian couples must now spend thousands of dollars putting into place the protections legal marriage confers easily and straight married couples take for granted.

Even so, when a partner dies, gay partners can still be charged estate taxes on their partner’s estate and we can’t receive social security benefits (as well as many other benefits married heterosexual couples enjoy).

These FACTS should concern everyone.  Money is always a major area of concern and stress for couples, even in the best of circumstances.  Imposing these additional financial losses, penalties and burdens on gay and lesbian couples is another reason why achieving marriage equality is so important, not only for individual gay and lesbian couples, but for the health and vitality of our entire country in these trying economic times.

A fascinating book has just come out that, for once, sheds a positive light on the state of marriage in America.  Hurray for a book that looks at love with the ‘half glass full’ for once.

Now, to be honest, I haven’t read the book yet.  Can’t wait to though.  In the meantime, a great review on Salon.com gives us a peek into the book, written by Tara Parker-Pope.  The book is called

For Better: The Science of Marital Unhappiness

According to the article and other reviews, Parker-Pope has done a great job of combing the research to lay certain myths to rest, especially the one that says 50% of all marriages are doomed to end in divorce.  Instead she reports that the percentage varies based on a number of factors, for example

“The 20-year divorce rate for couples who got married
in the 1980s is actually around 19 percent.”

Well now, that’s refreshing isn’t it?  Reminds me how often we take what we hear too literally.  Now one idea mentioned in the Times article did jump out and slap me in the face:  the results of research does suggest if you or your partner snores (and it bothers the other), it could create a big drain on your relationship.  Reminded me of catching part of the TV show ‘The Marriage Ref’ last week where the wife snored and wouldn’t admit it, even though it was obviously having a very detrimental effect on the couple’s relationship.

I hope you’ll read the book and comment here on your thoughts.

I especially look forward to any references to marriage equality and/or gay marriage in the book.  I know Parker-Pope makes a comment in the review about the high breakup rate in the early years, amongst gay and lesbian couples, which she seems to attribute not to anything wrong with gay couples, but to not having enough ties that bind.  Hmmm…..

One of the things I love most about my work is meeting very interesting people from all over the world.  This past week I had the pleasure of interviewing bisexual author Lara Zelinski, on Coach Sappho’s podcast:

GLBT Talk with Barb and Donna

Lara is an accomplished author and editor who has put together ‘To Love and To Cherish’, an amazing anthology chronicling lesbian love, relationships and marriage.  And, indicative of her commitment to the issue, she’s selling the anthology with all proceeds going to Marriage Equality USA.

During our interview, Lara shared the fun she had bringing together the authors in the book as well as the entire process of editing and publishing the project.

At the end of our 60 minute interview, Lara shared a reading from one of the fourteen stories in the collection.  The collection includes three volumes:

• Volume I: On Bended Knee
• Volume II: With This Ring
• Volume III: Lives and Wives

Please note that Lara and the authors created this anthology without taking an income.  A true labor of love!

What a great deal:  when you buy this series you are both:

• Getting an amazing book
• Giving back to a very, worthy cause

By the way, I’m buying my Kindle copy right now for the great price of only $3.75!!!

Be sure you let me know how you are enjoying the stories!

Barb

On Facebook this morning, my bud Kathy Belge over at About.com shared the heart breaking, powerful, and oh-so-real life story of Jonny from Oregon.  I decided to share his video with you today, because of his very powerful, sobering message.

If you are straight and, especially if you aren’t a strong advocate FOR marriage equality, or even if you don’t believe yourself in gay marriage, really imagine what it would be like to be ‘ignored’ or be so invisibly regarded in your time of greatest grief and loss.

Sadly, Jonny’s partner of seven years was murdered.  This video, produced by Basic Rights Oregon, details what it has been like for Jonny to go through the real, tangible problems that survivors go through when a couple lacks legal ties in addition to the grief of losing that relationship.

Jonny shares that, as a result of his experience, it’s ever more clear to him that domestic partnership is NOT the same as marriage in terms of rights, respect and recognition, not only from governmental institutions but down to the EMT’s that may care for you in the ambulance when you are rushed to the hospital.

Using words like ‘husband’ and ‘wife’ make all the difference.  Indeed, I can understand why gay couples who aren’t legally married use these terms…

Be sure to send Jonny your thoughts…

 

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach and Matchmaker. Be sure to stop by www.coachsappho.com today, take our FREE love quiz and find out how we can help your relationship thrive!

© Copyright 2010, Barb Elgin. All Rights Reserved. Feel free to forward this article as long as attribution remains intact.

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

I’m pleased to announce that Donna and I will be interviewing Lara Zielinsky, bisexual author of mature adult content lesbian and bi-women’s fiction, romance and erotica Thursday, April 29, 2010 from 7-8p ET on Coach Sappho’s Podcast.

Lara resides in the Orlando, Florida area.  Who knew we had such an interesting and accomplished author right in our midst!?!

 

Lara has been on a speaking tour promoting her new book

To Love and To Cherish: An Anthology of Lesbian Love and Marriage

And, she’s donating proceeds from sales of the book to the same sex marriage rights organization Marriage Equality USA.

Lara Zielinsky

Please be sure to join us Thursday, April 29th, 2010 at 7:00PM ET as we talk LIVE with Lara.  Coach Sappho’s Podcast is free to subscribers!

As I write, I am on a live teleconference with the National Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce’s Women’s Business Initiative (WBI). This is a group I’ve had a relationship with since it’s inception.

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