I’ve been taking a break from my blogging lately, if you hadn’t noticed. I apologize if you’ve missed me!

And, I just returned from Christmas celebrations, mostly enjoyed up north with family and friends. While I was away, the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (DADT) happened. I am amazed at how it all came together ultimately.  Aren’t you?  Of course, ask those central to making this happen and you will hear how ‘blood, sweat and tears’ it took to make DADT go away.

Driving home yesterday, I happened to listen in on a conservative radio station. Of course, they believe repeal of DADT is immoral.  And, those of us who believe the opposite believe DADT was what was immoral.  I know one thing:  I’m grateful we have a democratic President in office awhile.   I agree with Rachel Maddow, who recently said, ‘DADT caused massive damage to many lives.’

Apparently, President Obama, who has publicly stated he doesn’t believe in gay marriage, is even reconsidering that other very controversial anti-gay federal law – The Defense of Marriage Act.  He is even reconsidering gay marriage.  During an interview after signing the repeal of DADT he was asked by reporter Jake Tapper:

So, if gays can fight and die for their country, why can’t they marry people they love?

Yes, indeed.  Why can’t they?  I would reword his question to say: Why can’t gays and lesbians marry the person they love?  Lest someone start saying:  oh, they want to marry more than one person!?! 

If nothing else, the repeal of DADT reminds me how keeping the faith and keeping one’s ‘eyes on the prize’, even when it’s difficult to do so and defeat seems certain, often brings victory.   I am amazed…

One of the many emails I returned to after my trip contained a very important article I really want you to read because it simply reminds all of us how UNEQUAL the tax laws are for gay and lesbian couples in the United States.

The article reminds us that only 65% of Americans in general have a will, and it often takes a crisis such as a death to spur us to act.  According to the article, entitled ‘Gay Couples Caught in Financial Limbo’, gay and lesbian couples must now spend thousands of dollars putting into place the protections legal marriage confers easily and straight married couples take for granted.

Even so, when a partner dies, gay partners can still be charged estate taxes on their partner’s estate and we can’t receive social security benefits (as well as many other benefits married heterosexual couples enjoy).

These FACTS should concern everyone.  Money is always a major area of concern and stress for couples, even in the best of circumstances.  Imposing these additional financial losses, penalties and burdens on gay and lesbian couples is another reason why achieving marriage equality is so important, not only for individual gay and lesbian couples, but for the health and vitality of our entire country in these trying economic times.

Now, to be honest, I haven’t read the book yet.  Can’t wait to though.  In the meantime, a great review on Salon.com gives us a peek into the book, written by Tara Parker-Pope.  The book is called

For Better: The Science of Marital Unhappiness

According to the article and other reviews, Parker-Pope has done a great job of combing the research to lay certain myths to rest, especially the one that says 50% of all marriages are doomed to end in divorce.  Instead she reports that the percentage varies based on a number of factors, for example

“The 20-year divorce rate for couples who got married
in the 1980s is actually around 19 percent.”

Well now, that’s refreshing isn’t it?  Reminds me how often we take what we hear too literally.  Now one idea mentioned in the Times article did jump out and slap me in the face:  the results of research does suggest if you or your partner snores (and it bothers the other), it could create a big drain on your relationship.  Reminded me of catching part of the TV show ‘The Marriage Ref’ last week where the wife snored and wouldn’t admit it, even though it was obviously having a very detrimental effect on the couple’s relationship.

I hope you’ll read the book and comment here on your thoughts.

I especially look forward to any references to marriage equality and/or gay marriage in the book.  I know Parker-Pope makes a comment in the review about the high breakup rate in the early years, amongst gay and lesbian couples, which she seems to attribute not to anything wrong with gay couples, but to not having enough ties that bind.  Hmmm…..

GLBT Talk with Barb and Donna

Lara is an accomplished author and editor who has put together ‘To Love and To Cherish’, an amazing anthology chronicling lesbian love, relationships and marriage.  And, indicative of her commitment to the issue, she’s selling the anthology with all proceeds going to Marriage Equality USA.

During our interview, Lara shared the fun she had bringing together the authors in the book as well as the entire process of editing and publishing the project.

At the end of our 60 minute interview, Lara shared a reading from one of the fourteen stories in the collection.  The collection includes three volumes:

• Volume I: On Bended Knee
• Volume II: With This Ring
• Volume III: Lives and Wives

Please note that Lara and the authors created this anthology without taking an income.  A true labor of love!

What a great deal:  when you buy this series you are both:

• Getting an amazing book
• Giving back to a very, worthy cause

By the way, I’m buying my Kindle copy right now for the great price of only $3.75!!!

Be sure you let me know how you are enjoying the stories!

Barb

If you are straight and, especially if you aren’t a strong advocate FOR marriage equality, or even if you don’t believe yourself in gay marriage, really imagine what it would be like to be ‘ignored’ or be so invisibly regarded in your time of greatest grief and loss.

Sadly, Jonny’s partner of seven years was murdered.  This video, produced by Basic Rights Oregon, details what it has been like for Jonny to go through the real, tangible problems that survivors go through when a couple lacks legal ties in addition to the grief of losing that relationship.

Jonny shares that, as a result of his experience, it’s ever more clear to him that domestic partnership is NOT the same as marriage in terms of rights, respect and recognition, not only from governmental institutions but down to the EMT’s that may care for you in the ambulance when you are rushed to the hospital.

Using words like ‘husband’ and ‘wife’ make all the difference.  Indeed, I can understand why gay couples who aren’t legally married use these terms…

Be sure to send Jonny your thoughts…

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach and Matchmaker. Be sure to stop by www.coachsappho.com today, take our FREE love quiz and find out how we can help your relationship thrive!

© Copyright 2010, Barb Elgin. All Rights Reserved. Feel free to forward this article as long as attribution remains intact.

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

I’m pleased to announce that Donna and I will be interviewing Lara Zielinsky, bisexual author of mature adult content lesbian and bi-women’s fiction, romance and erotica Thursday, April 29, 2010 from 7-8p ET on Coach Sappho’s Podcast.

Lara resides in the Orlando, Florida area.  Who knew we had such an interesting and accomplished author right in our midst!?!

Lara has been on a speaking tour promoting her new book

To Love and To Cherish: An Anthology of Lesbian Love and Marriage

And, she’s donating proceeds from sales of the book to the same sex marriage rights organization Marriage Equality USA.

Lara Zielinsky

Please be sure to join us Thursday, April 29th, 2010 at 7:00PM ET as we talk LIVE with Lara.  Coach Sappho’s Podcast is free to subscribers!

The WBI has launched a series of teleseminars for the women’s business community. In fact, last fall I was honored to have been invited to moderate one of these events: a panel discussion with high achieving professional women on the issue of work/family balance. You can read more about this event by clicking here.

In honor of March being Women’s History Month, today’s guest on the WBI teleconference is Congresswoman Carolyn Maloney. Wow – I can’t believe I came right before such an accomplished, American servant!

Maloney was just introduced by the executive director of the NGLCC Justin Nelson. He mentioned many of her past votes on issues of concern to the women’s and GLBT communities (such as hate crimes legislation).

Maloney began talking by sharing with us that she was just coming back from an awards ceremony recognizing those female aviators from World War II who didn’t receive any service benefits like the men in the military. For example, if one of these aviators died, ‘in the line of duty’ their families had to pay for their funerals.

Maloney spoke of her support of legislation such as repealing the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), passing ENDA, etc. And, she’s fighting for federal paid sick leave laws for domestic partners.

She’s very concerned about the very anti-gay Ugandan law being proposed that would make being gay a crime punishable by death and has gone to Uganda to testify against it, calling the law the ‘most offensive piece of legislation’ she’s ever seen.

On health care reform she reports the importance of covering those who are uninsured right now. Why is health care reform essential to women? Women are more likely to go without care because of cost. Over 55% of women over age 50 haven’t received a recommended mammogram.

Maloney reminded us that it’s the ‘working poor’ who are most likely to be uninsured. I would add that most of these folks work harder than many in higher economic classes do and they aren’t slackers, even though many people still judge them in this way. Be sure to read Barbara Ehrenreich’s work on this topic if you’re still wondering!

So much is being discussed on the call, it is hard taking it all in! Suffice it to say that Maloney is involved on multiple fronts to help small business, the unemployed, etc. She reminded us that yes, we are still losing jobs, but at only about one fifth of the rate we were during the end of George Bush’s presidency.

Maloney also talked about her book and how there is still ‘deep discrimination’ out there against women in the work force, even as we are moving forward.

She summed it up by saying that we must do what we can to elect the leaders who ‘best reflect our values’ and that we must band together to get ‘what’s right’ done. Thank you to Congressman Maloney for being such a strong, yet gentle and caring person. The next time I’m tempted to ‘trash all politicians’ I’ll remember Ms. Maloney!

Bill Moyers just interviewed the two straight attorneys representing the gay couple and lesbian couple who are suing the State of California for denying them the right to marry.  PBS calls this suit a ‘well financed challenge to California’s Proposition 8′.

Stories such as this sure makes me hope (and think) there has to be a ‘greater plan’ in the universe.  The two attorneys I am referring to are Ted Olson, a conservative and David Boies, a liberal.

Do these names sound familiar to you? If not, just know that these two men went against each other in the infamous Bush v. Gore Supreme Court case that stopped the Florida recount and awarded George Bush the presidency.

Now Olson and Boies are working on the same team to help gay and lesbian citizens achieve full equality on the marriage front.  Yes, they are starting the ‘battle’ in California, but their bet is that eventually, and, sooner rather than later, someone will take the marriage equality issue to the United States Supreme Court.

Olson and Boies want to make sure gays and lesbians have the best chance of coming out on top.  They’re betting they can represent gay Americans better than anyone and they are ready to do so.

You will love what these men have to say about human rights, our Constitution and our Bill of Rights.  All of these issues point directly and decisively to the fact that unless gays and lesbians are allowed to marry, we are, as a country going against the most important values we hold as a nation.  And we are going against the most credible research on the topic.

There is no turning back.  America’s current treatment of gays and lesbians is abhorrent, when seen in the way Boies and Olson frame the issue.

Click here to watch Moyer’s excellent interview of these two bright, compassionate men.  Just the fact that this intelligent, conservative man (Olson) sat there, responding so clearly and rationally, to the usual arguments anti-gays use when talking about same sex marriage, will change some hearts.

Particularly if you are a gay or lesbian couple who doesn’t have the benefit of legal marriage, or, if you live in an area where you have domestic partnership protections, but you haven’t registered as a domestic partner, you will especially want to learn more about what it means to protect yourself and your relationship.

You’d be surprised to learn the various legal ‘vulnerabilities’ that exist for unmarried couples.  And, even if you are currently single, you’ll want to learn more now so that you are prepared later when you are in a relationship!

I’ve got a great way for you to get started!  Recently in my web and business travels, I met, and am building a closer working relationship with, a smart gal by the name of Lindalisa Severo. Lindalisa is passionate about the topic of GLBT legal rights and, out of that passion has created a website specifically focusing on the legal needs of gay and lesbian singles and couples called LegalOUT.

Lindalisa also produces a newsletter you’ll want to sign up for, because, in it, she publishes some very practical articles on increasing your awareness as to common legal issues you will come across as you live your life as a gay or lesbian person or couple.

For example, in this month’s newsletter, Lindalisa addresses advanced legal planning in an article about a woman by the name of Joy. Joy learned the hard way what happens when you don’t plan ahead legally.

Click here to go now to LegalOUT’s website.

Click here now to read LegalOUT’s blog.

Okay, so now you can go out tomorrow and enjoy some wine and roses!

All subscribers are invited to the live shows and can receive free downloads of all shows.  Once you become a subscriber, you can pick up your free recording of last night’s show.

If you don’t know about the ‘Janice Langbehn/Lisa Pond’  story, now is time for you to find out.  Janice’s story has been in the national spotlight recently as well as much of the last few years since her life took a dramatic turn.

In 2007 Janice’s partner of 18 years, Lisa Pond, died suddenly and unexpectedly due to a brain aneurysm, while they were getting ready to enjoy a family vacation together.

As if Lisa’s death wasn’t tragic enough, the way Janice was treated in the hospital during Lisa’s final hours was unthinkable and unconscionable.   As my co-host Donna Tara Lee remarked, the more she heard, the ‘madder and madder’ she got.

And, I’m willing to bet Janice’s experience is repeated all too often around the country.  Don’t think it can’t happen to you, too, even if you or your partner ends up in a hospital in a major metropolitan area.  Who would think a hospital in Miami would still be in ‘the dark ages’!

I want to thank Janice again for being so giving of her time. To tell you how amazing and committed Janice is, just realize that she continues to share her story (without pay of course), even though she is the single parent of three teenagers and she has a chronic illness.

Be sure to listen to the entire interview because, at the end, Janice shared in great detail what her next steps are, including suggesting to listeners how we can get behind her and her experience  to change the discriminatory health care systems that exist in this country.

As Donna told Janice last night – I honor you, Janice!

Barb Elgin

Want to learn four more secrets to attracting a great date for New Year’s Eve? Join me for Coach Sappho’s 5 Secrets to Finding a GREAT Date for New Year’s Eve.  We’ve offering three different days and times for the tele-seminars, to accomodate a wide variety of schedules and time zones.

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach and Matchmaker. Are YOU ready for love? Ready to find out? Take Coach Sappho’s FREE Love Quiz.

© Copyright 2009, Barb Elgin. All Rights Reserved. Feel free to forward this article as long as attribution remains intact.

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.