- Suze Orman, Women and Money

Amazingly wise words don’t you think?  And, they come from one smart, adorable lesbian who has truly ‘made it’ financially!  I am sitting here at the computer, writing to you on a rainy day, and treating myself to Orman on PBS as she presents her “Women and Money” Show.

Yes, the show isn’t new.  But, truthfully, each time the show comes on,  I half listen, with the TV in the background, continuing on with my busy day instead of stopping what I am doing and listening more closely.  Today, I listened

a bit more closely, and pulled out her book (which I haven’t finished reading!), to see what I can learn from someone who obviously shines with vibrant financial health.

It is timely that I am covering the topic of single lesbians and their money today.  It seems the topic of finances has been coming up frequently lately as I talk to my clients and Lez Rendezvous members. And that, my friends, is a good thing!

Single lesbians share many of the same issues all single women and women face when it comes to money, but, we also share some unique challenges.

Transcending the ways our female ancestors ‘dealt’ (or didn’t deal) with money takes courage

What I notice is common amongst many women is this belief that, somehow, many other issues are more important than insuring our financial security.  Somehow, finances tend to take a back seat.  We either say ‘money isn’t important’ or, ‘money is too difficult to figure out’, so we continue to live our lives, avoiding dealing with our money.

We also generally think that money will take care of itself.  Or, that perhaps someone else will take care of it (and, by extension, us). I suspect these attitudes are vestiges left over from our heterosexual sisters/mothers/grandmothers, many of whom ‘handed over’ their power without thinking about it, because that’s just what you did, when it came to money and most other important decisions in their relationships.  It was even the law not too long ago!

Many of us also carry around some uninspiring thoughts about money.  Money on it’s own is not evil.  Money is like a gun.  It’s the people who do evil things with money and guns, not the money and guns themselves.

What about love and money?

When it comes to love, if we are dating someone exclusively, and considering a future with that person, do we have conversations with her about money?  As in, if and when to have those discussions and how to have them?  When we are still single (ie: not legally married, even if we consider ourselves ‘committed’), is it okay to entwine our financial lives with another person?

When is it okay to combine our financial responsibilities, and, how do we do so?  Suze talks often about every woman still retaining at least one SEPARATE bank account, for example.  But what about the health of the relationship?  I also see too many couples where it seems like there isn’t enough ‘togetherness’ when it comes to sharing assets.

As I always like to say: every love relationship is really three relationships:  you, me and us.  I would imagine each area needs it’s own financial support.  While our female ancestors may have handed over all financial control (including our own paychecks) to our fathers and husbands, now it is no longer wise to do so!

No longer can we expect one job or one partner or husband to protect us forever.  Ha!  If that was ever even true, in practice.  Now, if we choose wisely or have good luck, maybe we can just put our lives in the hands of someone else, however, for most of us, this is unwise.

That’s why you will see many professionals – in the legal, financial, coaching fields – suggest creating relationship agreements, when things are going well.  Now, in the six states where marriage is legal (Massachusetts, Iowa, New Hampshire, Vermont, Connecticut, Maine), I don’t know how marriage impacts your financial planning, but, married legally or not, you should definitely look into the laws of your state and create with your partner something that protects each of you, should something go awry.

There are also several other states in the process of legalizing marriage or who already honor some form of civil unions or domestic partnerships for same sex couples.  If you live in one of those states, these laws may also impact what you do/plan.

If we are totally single and not dating anyone right now, it is truly an amazing time for us to get our own financial acts together, isn’t it?  We have no one else to negotiate with, just ourselves.  And there is a lot we can do to get our financial house into order, so we can become happier, more confident, independent, and, dare I say it – ‘irresistibly attractive’ – as a single person.

Coach Sappho’s ‘Luscious Lesbian Love Quiz’ can help you begin to at least generally assess your own financial health.  Single or coupled, if you haven’t taken the quiz yet, I urge you to do so.  And, then, please contact me to set up your complimentary phone consult.

So, to sum up Orman’s quote from the beginning of this post, if a key part of creating financial health and financial freedom for yourself has to do with valuing yourself more , valuing what you do more and being more valued by the world, where do you begin?

I would suggest that each of us can begin by better surrounding herself with whatever loving reminders, messages, and friends and family who value us and what we do, more often!

What can you do today to value yourself and your time more?

Be sure to post here on the blog and share with the world how you will value yourself more today…

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Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach.  Attract Mz. Right Summer Camp for Single Lesbians starts 6/23/09.  Register by midnight PST on 6/20/09 and save 25% off – click here to learn all the details.

©2009, Barb Elgin.  All Rights Reserved

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

Just like you, I’ve been quite concerned about the current economic realities.  This post is directed at those wonderful single lesbians who are seeking a life partner or soul mate in these tough economic times.

There has been a curious spike in profits for a couple of industries, I hear.  One is the liquor industry.  Ha!  I won’t cover the reasons for that one, as well as the potential pitfalls, in this post.  However, the other industry that is faring well in these challenging economic times is the online dating industry!

I’ve been hearing about the rapid increase in sign ups at online dating sites.  Just what is this spike in interest in online dating about, particularly in a time when many people are tightening their budgets?

From where I sit it’s obvious: Many single people feel even more vulnerable than usual, as compared to families and couples, right now.  What, you say?  Isn’t it more challenging for families right now?  Well, I’m not saying it’s not a tough time for lower and middle class families.

But, even more vulnerable economically, socially and health-wise are singles.  It’s true.  I’m single, so I can relate.  Why is that?  Don’t single people have it ‘free and easy’?  Don’t single people have tons of time on their hands because they don’t have a relationship or children to tend to each day?

Well, number one here is that we are assuming all single lesbians are childless.  That just ain’t so.  A significant percentage of single lesbians have one or more children.  These single women may be even more stressed and vulnerable than single lesbians without children.

Here is why many singles are more stressed out than couples or families when it comes to living: When you are part of a ‘team’, whether that team is a couple or a family, you have more resources to draw upon.

For example: when you are single, your food budget is about the same as for a couple.  However, here is where the similarities end.  When you are single, you have to come home every day after being the only one available to take time to make the grocery list and shop for that food, fix your meals and clean up after you eat!  Couples have each other to take turns and/or rely on for help with these ‘activities of daily survival’ that never go away.

When you are a couple, you often have two paychecks to put towards those groceries and, perhaps one of you has more time to do some of the housework that always falls 100% on the single person.

The reality is that, on average, singles probably have LESS TIME for enjoyment or relaxation (or sleep!) than your typical coupled person!  Singles have to be more organized because they have less time to be unfocused.

This is just a small example of the realities facing single lesbians.  And this state of affairs is probably true for the majority of single lesbians, who aren’t independently wealthy and who don’t have the high paying jobs, thus they aren’t able to afford eating out at restaurants, hiring a housekeeper, etc.

Here’s the point of today’s post – single ladies, because you ARE alone, you need to become more aware of the dating traps you are more vulnerable to right now.  Why? Because you may be unknowingly rushing the dating and ‘pre-commitment’ processes to get out of the ‘being single, stressed out and alone’ category!

Just because the economy and your pocketbook may be suffering, that doesn’t mean you should jump to get partnered up with just anyone.

Did you read the above sentence carefully? Either way, go back and read it again.  Here’s what I’m suggesting you need to consider:  regardless of the economy, you need to follow the same guidelines I always teach about dating and life partner selection, IF your longer range goal is building a deeply satisfying, LONG TERM relationship with another woman.

More than ever you need to know what dating traps you are especially vulnerable to and how to date to find a life partner you CAN build and nurture a deeply satisfying, lasting relationship with in today’s world.

I’ll be saying more about all of this in my next post!

Have a great Sunday!

Barb Elgin

Be sure to check both of these resources out BEFORE you check your Myspace, Facebook pages or post on Twitter today:

• Estate and Tax Planning for LGBT’s – great information, just in time for tax season!  Thanks to my colleagues over at the Lesbian Dating and Relationships blog for the heads up.

• Jaysays interview of Merle Horowitz’s book on ‘cohabitation agreements’.  Thanks to my bud Genia Stevens over at gaywallet.com for this information.

Eat these up!  Your relationship (or next relationship) depends on getting a handle on subjects such as these!   As Jaysays post title sums all of this up perfectly:  “Love is Love, but business is business.”  Whether you accept it or not, and whether you ever get married or legalize your relationship in some way or not, when you join your life with another person, business IS part of your relationship.  Mark my words.

Traditionally, women didn’t often handle the ‘money’ and ‘decision making’ aspects of their love relationships and most of us, as women, still have that ‘limiting belief’ floating around in our subconsciousnesses.  Someone, some may argue it was men, blinded our ancestral sisters to the practical aspects of our love relationships with romantic, ‘happily ever after’ fantasies.

We still believe some of these things, but, we need to stop having our heads in the clouds when it comes to money and love.  We CAN ‘live happily ever after’, however, it takes some planning…

Barb Elgin