Sometimes it’s difficult keeping the faith when you are gay and you want the right to marry.  You have detractors from all sides…

the religious right political movement

plenty of people within the gay community!

those trying to do away with, dilute or deconstruct marriage as an irrelevant institution (or institution that doesn’t fit the needs of today’s couples)

state amendments defining marriage as between a man and woman only

feminists who look at marriage only as a patriarchal, oppressive institution

???? (add your ideas here…)

I know that I am a strong voice in the GLBT community, but my voice is easily drowned out at this time because of one or more of the above constituencies.

But…I will persevere.  Why?  Because in my gut I know that marriage is a sacred AND civil right that ALL Americans should have the right to enter into, equally, regardless of whether the couple is composed of a man and a woman or a woman/woman or man/man. 

And, because I know, from reading valid, credible studies in the mental health and healthcare literature, that when a person is legally married and perceives that they are part of a supportive, secure, happy marriage, he or she has access to a multitude of…

• financial
• legal
• social
• psychological
• spiritual
• physical
• sexual
• ?????

benefits that singles, domestic partnered and civil unioned partners and other couples who are living together but unmarried, can’t access or achieve.  I would also like to add that certain ‘domestic partners’ (such as heterosexual couples who are older/’senior’ or retired and choose NOT to marry – but could) are a separate case that I’m not referring to here.

While I’m not a political expert or gay historian, here’s my short and sweet list of ‘high points’ in the gay marriage movement, as of today:

• prior to just a few years ago, any attempts to advance gay marriage were pretty small and obscure (but were building as a result of the gay movement’s gains in other key areas)
• parallel to the gay marriage and/or ‘relationship recognition’ movement, states such as Vermont and Connecticut have passed civil union laws allowing gay couples to form legal, if less than equal to marriage, agreements with one another
• nervousness as a result, at the federal level in the past decade or so, has led presidents to ‘go political’ and react.  President Clinton  signed DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act – federal legislation specifying that marriage is only for heterosexual couples) AND President Bush pushed for a federal, anti-gay marriage amendment (which in essence isn’t necessary since there is DOMA AND since never in the country’s history has discrimination against a group of people been written into the Constitution.  One could argue, as well, that discriminating against a group of people using the U.S. Constitution was certainly never the intention of it’s authors!)
• a few brave couples in a handful of BLUE (highly democratic) states eventually organized and summoned the courage to file lawsuits demanding the right to marry
• as a result of a suit such as above Massachusetts became the first and only state (so far) to legalize gay marriage
• other states and cities got in on the act in response (hence the flurry of impromptu gay marriage ceremonies in places such as San Francisco)
• AFTER Massachusetts made gay marriage legal, a ‘conservative’ backlash ensued including President Bush using this debate to his advantage in winning re-election in 2004
• gay marriage political strategists decided to focus their energies on continuing at the state-by-state level
• gay marriage has been ‘turned away’ a number of times in the states (Maryland, New York)
• gay civil unions have met with greater success (so far)

The religious right, with their ability to partner with those in the middle who aren’t yet convinced that gays deserve the right to marry, have countered strongly by convincing the ‘powers that be’ to put the brakes on my rights!

The fight for gay marriage will carry on.  Before gay marriage, I also think there is hope that in moving towards any legal form of relationship recognition for gay couples, gay couples will begin to enjoy at leasat some of the rights and benefits legal marriage brings.

My post today resulted from the thoughts I had after reading a great article on the subject at Boston.com, which you can read here, called ‘Courts a tough road to gay marriage’. (A pdf reader is required).

So, if you are, like me, an advocate of gay marriage, not because I’m a radical, but because I’m a fair-minded human who believes in doing what is not only in the best interests of the individual, but in the best interests of society as a whole (socially, economically, spiritually, health-wise, etc.), hang in there!  There are many organizations continuing to ‘fight the good fight’. 

One of the experts interviewed in the Boston.com article, constitutional scholar and Yale professor William Eskridge, paints a hopeful future…

High court losses don’t mask huge gains for gays in the last decade, Eskridge said. Nine states have approved spousal rights in some form for same-sex couples — Connecticut, Vermont, New Hampshire, New Jersey, Maine, California, Oregon, Washington and Hawaii.

Every state will eventually have to create some kind of legal structure to deal with the financial and social realities of same-sex relationships, Eskridge said. It may not be gay marriage everywhere, but it will be some form of expanded rights, he said.

“It took generations to make any progress on race,” Eskridge said. “This stuff doesn’t come overnight.”

 

Even so, don’t become complacent.  THE PERSONAL IS POLITICAL!  If you are in a relationship, the best thing you can do is vote with your feet and ‘put your money where your mouth is’. 

If you’re not ready to share your personal story, fine.  You can be as anonymous as you wish and still have an impact.  A great national organization working on relationship recognition for gay couples is HRC. Pick at least one organization (in fact my recommendation is that you fund regularly one national, pro-gay marriage organization and one in your state) and support them any way you can. For example, these organizations always need money, volunteers, etc.. 

Then, when you are ready to be most authentic and share your personal experiences, be more visible and tell your story.  If you are ashamed of being gay and you aren’t out to the important people in your life, why is that?  You don’t have to be. 

If you believe you face serious repercussions for being out, I challenge you to do something about that – move to a more affirming neighborhood, city or state.  Or at least begin the process of becoming more authentic by talking with a coach or therapist about your own personal growth and happiness.  I don’t believe you will ever reach your potential as a human being living two lives!  I mean that…

Just remember – it’s YOUR life.  Do you really understand the serious risks you might be taking by not being out???  While you may be able to deny it, you pay heavy costs…

• financially
• legally
• socially
• psychologically
• spiritually
• physically
• sexually
• ?????

when you hid your true self in the world.

Maybe you need to go and get married in Massachusetts!  Or, if that’s too bold, find out what rights you have in your city or state as far as relationship recognition and, secure them!  Your relationship will become that much stronger for doing so.

The most courageous need to get out there and share with others how the inability to marry (or have a civil union) impacts you and your relationship.

As they’ve always said about advancing gay rights, the same holds true for gay marriage.  The best way to advance both is to be out, visible and proud!  October is Coming Out Month.  What will you do to celebrate???

Out and Proud,

Barb Elgin