I don’t know about you but I’m always looking for examples of true, heart rending stories showing the real life, negative impacts of heterosexism and homophobia on families.   True stories that everyone, even people who follow religious belief systems that deny the fact that gay people exist, have to sit up and take notice of.

Well, I saw a commercial the other day about a really touching movie that is coming to the Lifetime channel this month that might ‘fit the bill’.  Prayers for Bobby is the tragically true story of a gay teen who commits suicide because of his mother’s rejection of who he was due to her religious beliefs, and how losing her son forces her to question and then, reconsider, her position.  Sigourney Weaver plays the lead and, that fact alone should draw some of us to tune in!  

But, seriously, Prayers for Bobby looks like a ‘must see’ movie for all of us who ‘get it’ and those who don’t…(yet)

Hello there!  Yes, it’s been awhile since I wrote.  That tells you how busy I’ve been.  It’s been a couple weeks since I returned from my latest road trip (to Maryland).  Sure hope you are having a fantastic summer.  It’s truly sizzling here in central Florida!

I’m hunkered down, drinking lots of fluids (in between doing some gardening, no less!), preparing some really exciting events for single lesbians that will happen this fall.  All of the fun begins Thursday, September 13, 2007! 

If you’re a single lesbian, be sure to check out what’s coming up for single lesbians at Coach Sappho by clicking here. 

Speaking of which, congratulations are in order.  I just earned my

Certified Singles Coach

designation from the Relationship Coaching Institute.  I worked hard for this one and look forward to sharing the amazing information and training I’ve received with any single lesbian who is ready to ‘try on’ what I have to offer. 

SO…If you are a single lesbian who is tired of ‘U-Haul Relating’ and you want to create a deeply satisfying, LASTING relationship with another woman, you will definitely want to check out what Coach Sappho has in store for you by clicking here! 

Building more authentic ties with family

Like I said, I hope you are having a safe, fantastic summer.  I enjoyed time spent with family and friends during my recent trip back to Maryland.  I’d like to thank those who nurtured me while there (you know who you are!). 

I’d also like to thank psychotherapist Ellen Carr, Dan Furmansky and Equality Maryland for a wonderful dinner party in Columbia, Maryland.  Equality Maryland is one of my favorite organizations and I have some exciting news to share about them real soon regarding their recent support of gay marriage in Maryland so, stay tuned!

As a recap on the importance of ‘building more authentic ties with family’ (not because of obligation but because of the benefits doing so offers you and your loved ones), I’d like to share how I spent my fourth of July.  I enjoyed a simple, yet delicious dinner with my parents who seemed surprised I wasn’t out doing something ‘more exciting’. 

Then we hopped in the car and headed down to one of my sister’s to watch her community’s fireworks along with her two daughters and husband.  We even sat through the rain to enjoy the ‘works’!  Mom and I were the most diehard – after getting soaked despite sitting under our umbrellas, we finally decided to run to the car to avoid the lightning, just like kids! 

Can you believe it?  A Kodak moment for me and mom – sharing something in common!  Now you might think ‘what’s the big deal?’ but, I could tell something ‘flowed’ between us that night.  This ‘flow’ hasn’t always been easy for her and I.  Mom still struggles with seeing me as who I am in a positive way, proud labels or not.  It wasn’t too many years ago that she told me she ‘didn’t know how to relate to me because I wasn’t a mom’.

I guess in that moment, running together, acting like kids, she was able to suspend her negative, irrational beliefs about me, the lesbian daughter, to enjoy an experience that transcended those beliefs!  And I will tell you – the more I face my discomfort and reach out to my mom and build a more authentic, adult-adult relationship with her, on all levels, the better it gets! 

The Rewards of More Authentic Familiy Ties Extend Beyond the Obvious

Yes, many times it is still hard being authentic with her.  But these days I usually drop the mask, it gets tiring after awhile anyway doesn’t it?  By the way, Mom and I had some great interactions and conversations during my visit.  These conversations included some butting of heads, which we handled well, I’m glad to say…Some were pretty anxiety-provoking for me (and probably for her too).  But, I truly believe this ‘discomfort’ is necessary to our relationship’s growth.  Perhaps this ‘work’ led us to be able to do our ‘rain dance’ together!?! 

These ‘moments with mom’ reminded me of a client of mine who recently shared her ‘observations’ during a Coach Sappho Irresistible Singles Group meeting about creating a more authentic relationship with her mom.  This client admits she had spent most of her adult life feeling like she had a ‘dirty little secret’ she had to hide from her family.

She now recognizes how this shame led her to…

• chose partners she couldn’t succeed at building a great relationship with
• isolate herself from the support she now enjoys from her siblings and mom

Well, no more.  I am happy to report that this client is ‘facing her demons’ and, as a result, feeling so much more at peace and confident.  How is she doing so?  By believing she IS as important as anyone else in her family and dropping the ‘dirty secrets’ thinking.  No longer is she acting in an ‘ashamed’ way with her family and, I believe THIS is a great deal of the reason why she is enjoying a more open, honest relationship with her mom.

The other good news you need to remember too is that, with time, many of us find our parents are becoming more ‘aware’ as well about the issue of sexual orientation.  Often times, this helps them be more loving towards us.  For example, I remember how much it helped me the day my dad said to me, ‘I know that being gay and being a pedophile are two, very different things.  Being gay is an identity, whereas being a pedophile is a sickness’.

Building a more authentic relationship with your mom will help your love life!

I truly believe that, as we create more authentic ties with our moms, we will become more loving towards ourselves and, in the process (along with learning the principles of conscious dating!), we’ll be much better prepared to take our time, date non-exclusively and ‘hold out’ as far as commitment goes until we find a woman worthy of us!

The darker side of all of this is that:  I suspect that, the less an authentic relationship you have with your mom (or mother figure), the more you will struggle with creating the relationship of your dreams.

CALL TO ACTION FOR YOU THE READER:

How authentic is the relationship you have with your mom?  What does (or would) a more authentic relationship with your mom look like?  What part do you play in making this happen?

If your mom isn’t alive or you don’t have a mom, is there a mother figure or mentor in your life?  If not, shouldn’t you have one??? 

Think about this – I recommend every lesbian woman form (or grow) such a relationship, and preferably the mother figure you choose should be a heterosexual.

A great place to find such a woman might be at a PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) group.  There are many incredibly loving moms there.  And, don’t think that some didn’t struggle with their child’s gayness at first.  Some of the most loving PFLAG members and leaders tell great stories about how upset, horrified or in denial they were when they first learned their child was gay.  I think I’ll call it the ‘Cher Syndrome’! 

In fact, if you’d like to share what has happened when you get ‘more authentic’ with your mom, be sure to click on the comments link below and tell us!  Don’t forget – when you share you may be helping another woman take her next, more courageous step, so I hope you will!

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Have a great week!

Barb