I was talking to a client the other day about her family relationships and an interesting distinction for me began to emerge…

Is it possible that being ‘tolerated’ by our loved ones, employers, employees, etc., is worse than outright rejection, when it comes to their full acceptance of who we are as GLBT’s?

I say this because this absolutely wonderful, outwardly successful 40-something lesbian woman seems to be showing the signs of ‘wear’ on this issue.  She says that, for years, she’s accepted her family’s tolerance of her.  Afterall, they didn’t outright ’shun’ her.  Her family has always welcomed her partners into their home, as in invited them to holiday dinners, family picnics, etc. 

However, on the other hand, the family never talks about the invisible elephant in the living room:  that their daughter is gay and that they accept her as equal to them.  Instead, their overall behavior has evidenced something else:  alot of underlying disapproval, judgement, etc.  And, she accepted this ‘not feeling okay to talk about it’ and kept quiet about her life.  For example, she didn’t share with her family when she and her partner’s anniversary was, what they did to celebrate, etc., and family never bothered to ask.

She didn’t come out to other relatives and neither did her family tell relatives.  It seemed they were ashamed.

And when her almost two decades old relationship ended, her family didn’t reach out to her and comfort her or, even, check in once in awhile to ask how she was doing now that she had moved to a new state and was living alone.  Why wouldn’t they?  Perhaps since they didn’t see her love relationship as a ‘real’ love relationship or marriage, it makes sense that they’d look at the ending of that relationship as unimportant too. 

And, to add insult to injury, they probably, in their own minds, added a dollop of ‘well of course her relationship ended – gay relationships don’t last!’, thus feeling righteous and ‘all is well with the world’ where, in a different home, someone else – their dear daughter or sister – was suffering. 

The invisibility of gay and lesbian divorces

My client’s family didn’t see her ‘divorce’ as a divorce like in the straight world, even though on all levels – emotional, social, financial, physical – my client grieved all of these changes and losses just as deeply as anyone going through the ending of a relationship, whether that be by death, divorce, even choice, etc.

So, what do I mean when I say this client is ’showing signs of wear’?  She’s got other issues going on, don’t get me wrong.  She’s still grieving the ending of a previous relationship.  Her small business is struggling to grow.  I’ve been coaching her to build a more successful single life, which she is showing signs of progress.  For example, she’s going to more lesbian social events.

However, she is still also seeking too much solace in food.  And last week her doc told her something she’d never heard before:  her blood pressure is borderline high.  She doesn’t smoke or use drugs, but she doesn’t exercise enough.  She’s very busy with her business and taking care of her daily needs (which DOES take more time and energy when you are single).

So, why not blame her behavior choices?  Because I think her family is very much a part of the equation.  She’s become so ‘careful’ when she’s around them; to not offend, to be gracious and kind, that she’s being too much of a doormat with them still.  And, of course she ‘edits’ herself around her family.  She doesn’t feel comfortable saying alot of things because she is waiting to hear family say ‘do it’ first.  And, she feels hurt and perhaps, ‘gives up’ or ’stuffs it’ when she thinks about how her parents, siblings, in laws, etc. view her. 

I suspect that all of this trying to make nice so people will approve of her or love her more is eating her up inside.  Over time, this has led her body’s ‘fight or flight’ system to run ragged and now it is showing signs of ‘wear and tear’.  Perhaps this woman’s experience is a microcosm of why many lesbian women are susceptible to certain health problems?

The cost of being inauthentic catches up with all of us

My client realized recently that her choice over the years to not demand better treatment is haunting her.  She realized this during a very authentic discussion she shared with her mom the other day.  Her mom was trying to explain why the family had a hard time with her ‘lifestyle’, and of course, as usual, offered the bitter pill of: “but at least we’ve never disowned you!”  As if this was supposed to be a comfort.

My client’s mom then said that perhaps one of the reasons they’d never evolved in terms of greater acceptance and celebration of my client was ‘because we got used to it being the way it was’.  Meaning:  my client had allowed it!

I was proud of my client because she was able, during this discussion, to express to her mom that this wasn’t enough anymore and that the problem needing resolution here lay within the family members not her!  And, she suggested to her mom that she start to get out there and meet other parents of adult gay kids.  She told her mom about PFLAG and even lent her mom a book on the subject with the statement ‘I sure hope you follow up by reading some of this book’.

Together we are an ocean, but each of us drops must do our part

All of this reminded me of a remark Martina Navratilova made a couple of weeks ago during her award acceptance speech at the NGLCC’s National Dinner.  Martina stated, and I quote,

“I don’t want homosexual rights.  I want equal rights, period!  It’s not about gay rights, it’s about human rights.”

During Martina’s speech, she also kidded about other’s thinking they have a right to talk about me and who I am as a ‘lifestyle’.  I am very fed up with that one too!

The bottom line is this:  As Martina also shared, we can’t expect the world to accept us, unless we first accept ourselves.  She says we can all do more, our part.  She also likened each of us to a drop in the ocean.  She said that the ocean is made of millions and millions of drops, and each of us is just one.  Her dream is for all those drops coming together.

I also say it another way – this is OUR world too and it’s time to stand up and take what’s ours!  We can’t wait for someone to gift it to us.  Because apparently, they never will…

Back to my client.  We’re going to work on all of the above in the weeks ahead and I’ll be sharing more about her story as it unfolds.  Her highest priority is getting that blood pressure thing straightened out.  I’ll be supporting her efforts to do so.

Have an ‘authentically loving’ weekend!

Barb Elgin

Right now I’m taking a lunch break.  I turned on the T.V. to find a live broadcast on CNN of President Bush, Speaker Nanci Pelosi and other officials awarding the Dalai Lama the Congressional Medal of Honor, which is called the ‘highest civilian award’.

The Dalai is now speaking to the audience, from a prepared speech.  He started off with much humor (mostly about himself and his English).  He states he insists that he speak today in English, although his command of the language is poor!  He says he started learning English in the 1940’s and, at 72, still doesn’t speak it well.  I disagree.  He is having alot of fun making light of his mistakes while reading.

We should thank him for respecting Americans enough to put his ego aside in this way!  This is no small feat, is it?  Put yourself in his shoes:  if another country was awarding you a medal, could you go there and do a speech in their language?

By the way, there was a hysterically funny (to me at least!) moment.  Dalai was very gracious and thankful to those who gave him the award, but he was able to sneak in, without really offending anyone (too much I hope!) that ‘these people’ (meaning politicians) have a tendency to lie, however most of them have many strengths and need to be appreciated for their contributions.  The Dalai has a courageously funny spirit, doesn’t he!?!

I am impressed that we are awarding the Dalai Lama this medal.  I like that we are acknowledging a very visible, NON-Christian leader/figure!  I am especially happy our republican president is a part of this ceremony.  Yes, there are political reasons – President Bush spoke earlier today and, while I didn’t hear his speech, I did catch him saying something about improving relationships with China and I am hoping he will follow the Dalai’s lead in his message of ‘Prosperity and Peace’ (perhaps diplomacy?) and not up the ante with a threat to go to war.

Again, what I really liked upon hearing about this event, is the honoring of a spiritual leader other than a Christian one.  Christianity is a major faith on the planet and, in America, but it is by far the only one.  There are hundreds of faiths.  In honoring the Dalai in this way, American leaders show their respect for having diverse faiths work together and find their commonalities (instead of their differences), which is the usual order of the day.

I am glad to see American leaders openly associate themselves with the Dalai.  We need this in America.  I’m sure this award rankles some Christian fundamentalist leaders.  Too bad!  We are a nation founded upon religious pluralism and individual freedom and privacy to practice our spiritual faith as each of us desires.

Here are some of the compelling values/principles the Dalai mentioned in his talk that I think bear repeating…

• non-violence
• inter-religious understanding
• spiritual freedom
• liberty
• truth
• justice
• costs of democracy
• respect for human rights

Wahoo!  Here’s a victory for humanity today!  A bright light indeed…Does anyone know if Richard Gere was there!?!

For those of you who wonder where the Dalai Lama stands on the issue of homosexuality, he is affirmative!  He’s spoken openly about his support of the human rights of GLBT’s for years and has often met with the GLBT community.  He is particularly concerned about violence perpetrated against GLBT’s due to people’s prejudices and misunderstanding.

Sometimes it’s difficult keeping the faith when you are gay and you want the right to marry.  You have detractors from all sides…

I know that I am a strong voice in the GLBT community, but my voice is easily drowned out at this time because of one or more of the above constituencies.

But…I will persevere.  Why?  Because in my gut I know that marriage is a sacred AND civil right that ALL Americans should have the right to enter into, equally, regardless of whether the couple is composed of a man and a woman or a woman/woman or man/man. 

And, because I know, from reading valid, credible studies in the mental health and healthcare literature, that when a person is legally married and perceives that they are part of a supportive, secure, happy marriage, he or she has access to a multitude of…

• financial
• legal
• social
• psychological
• spiritual
• physical
• sexual
• ?????

benefits that singles, domestic partnered and civil unioned partners and other couples who are living together but unmarried, can’t access or achieve.  I would also like to add that certain ‘domestic partners’ (such as heterosexual couples who are older/’senior’ or retired and choose NOT to marry – but could) are a separate case that I’m not referring to here.

While I’m not a political expert or gay historian, here’s my short and sweet list of ‘high points’ in the gay marriage movement, as of today:

• prior to just a few years ago, any attempts to advance gay marriage were pretty small and obscure (but were building as a result of the gay movement’s gains in other key areas)
• parallel to the gay marriage and/or ‘relationship recognition’ movement, states such as Vermont and Connecticut have passed civil union laws allowing gay couples to form legal, if less than equal to marriage, agreements with one another
• nervousness as a result, at the federal level in the past decade or so, has led presidents to ‘go political’ and react.  President Clinton  signed DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act – federal legislation specifying that marriage is only for heterosexual couples) AND President Bush pushed for a federal, anti-gay marriage amendment (which in essence isn’t necessary since there is DOMA AND since never in the country’s history has discrimination against a group of people been written into the Constitution.  One could argue, as well, that discriminating against a group of people using the U.S. Constitution was certainly never the intention of it’s authors!)
• a few brave couples in a handful of BLUE (highly democratic) states eventually organized and summoned the courage to file lawsuits demanding the right to marry
• as a result of a suit such as above Massachusetts became the first and only state (so far) to legalize gay marriage
• other states and cities got in on the act in response (hence the flurry of impromptu gay marriage ceremonies in places such as San Francisco)
• AFTER Massachusetts made gay marriage legal, a ‘conservative’ backlash ensued including President Bush using this debate to his advantage in winning re-election in 2004
• gay marriage political strategists decided to focus their energies on continuing at the state-by-state level
• gay marriage has been ‘turned away’ a number of times in the states (Maryland, New York)
• gay civil unions have met with greater success (so far)

The religious right, with their ability to partner with those in the middle who aren’t yet convinced that gays deserve the right to marry, have countered strongly by convincing the ‘powers that be’ to put the brakes on my rights!

The fight for gay marriage will carry on.  Before gay marriage, I also think there is hope that in moving towards any legal form of relationship recognition for gay couples, gay couples will begin to enjoy at leasat some of the rights and benefits legal marriage brings.

My post today resulted from the thoughts I had after reading a great article on the subject at Boston.com, which you can read here, called ‘Courts a tough road to gay marriage’. (A pdf reader is required).

So, if you are, like me, an advocate of gay marriage, not because I’m a radical, but because I’m a fair-minded human who believes in doing what is not only in the best interests of the individual, but in the best interests of society as a whole (socially, economically, spiritually, health-wise, etc.), hang in there!  There are many organizations continuing to ‘fight the good fight’. 

One of the experts interviewed in the Boston.com article, constitutional scholar and Yale professor William Eskridge, paints a hopeful future…

High court losses don’t mask huge gains for gays in the last decade, Eskridge said. Nine states have approved spousal rights in some form for same-sex couples — Connecticut, Vermont, New Hampshire, New Jersey, Maine, California, Oregon, Washington and Hawaii.

Every state will eventually have to create some kind of legal structure to deal with the financial and social realities of same-sex relationships, Eskridge said. It may not be gay marriage everywhere, but it will be some form of expanded rights, he said.

“It took generations to make any progress on race,” Eskridge said. “This stuff doesn’t come overnight.”

Even so, don’t become complacent.  THE PERSONAL IS POLITICAL!  If you are in a relationship, the best thing you can do is vote with your feet and ‘put your money where your mouth is’. 

If you’re not ready to share your personal story, fine.  You can be as anonymous as you wish and still have an impact.  A great national organization working on relationship recognition for gay couples is HRC. Pick at least one organization (in fact my recommendation is that you fund regularly one national, pro-gay marriage organization and one in your state) and support them any way you can. For example, these organizations always need money, volunteers, etc.. 

Then, when you are ready to be most authentic and share your personal experiences, be more visible and tell your story.  If you are ashamed of being gay and you aren’t out to the important people in your life, why is that?  You don’t have to be. 

If you believe you face serious repercussions for being out, I challenge you to do something about that – move to a more affirming neighborhood, city or state.  Or at least begin the process of becoming more authentic by talking with a coach or therapist about your own personal growth and happiness.  I don’t believe you will ever reach your potential as a human being living two lives!  I mean that…

Just remember – it’s YOUR life.  Do you really understand the serious risks you might be taking by not being out???  While you may be able to deny it, you pay heavy costs…

• financially
• legally
• socially
• psychologically
• spiritually
• physically
• sexually
• ?????

when you hid your true self in the world.

Maybe you need to go and get married in Massachusetts!  Or, if that’s too bold, find out what rights you have in your city or state as far as relationship recognition and, secure them!  Your relationship will become that much stronger for doing so.

The most courageous need to get out there and share with others how the inability to marry (or have a civil union) impacts you and your relationship.

As they’ve always said about advancing gay rights, the same holds true for gay marriage.  The best way to advance both is to be out, visible and proud!  October is Coming Out Month.  What will you do to celebrate???

Out and Proud,

Barb Elgin