L Word Season 5 Finale Recap – Secrets to Thriving Lesbian Relationships

As I was saying yesterday, I think then, that there must be enough order or ‘we-ness’ of some sort, from the beginning, for a relationship to last and be satisfying for both partners.  Yes, we all know couples who’ve been together for years despite lots of drama and conflict.  In fact, for some couples, the conflict IS the glue. 

However, most couples who experience chronic unresolved conflict break up.  Or, if they stay together, one or both partners is most likely unhappy, which tends to lead to dis-ease of some sort, eventually.   So, just what comprises the ‘stuff’ of lesbian life partnerships that thrive?  Keep reading this blog and I’ll share with you what I believe are the secrets to keeping this magical stuff going.

As I mentioned yesterday, Nikki noted that ‘when you start with chaos, you usually end up with chaos’.  Nikki’s words of wisdom came true almost immediately when she and Shane threw all caution to the wind and got caught ‘in the act’ by Jenny.  Starting sexual intimacy so spontaneously or, dare I say – frivolously – didn’t work.  The sad part, though, when it comes to both of these characters is that they keep creating in their lives and relationships, the chaos they keep focusing on.  Neither Shane nor Nikki yet gets how much control each has in creating relationships they can count on.  Instead each believes that such relationships aren’t possible, so, why bother?

Earlier in this episode, Alice acknowledged her attraction to a new woman she’s met on the set of her TV show.  The other woman is attracted to Alice as well, yet they stopped before acting on their attraction…for now.  Why?  Because Alice was honest about having a girlfriend, and the new woman shared how she’d had an affair in another relationship, resulting in much chaos and hurt.

Now, when Alice opened up and shared her feelings about this other woman in confidence with Shane, right away Shane took the position of it being okay to ‘go for it’.  However, Alice brough some consciousness to the issue by saying that she thought she should ‘work on it’ with Tasha rather than throw the relationship away at the first sign of temptation.

All of this reminds me of something a pastor/counselor I used to work with would say about difficulties in relationships.  He’d say that when people don’t ‘integrate’ sex and love they have trouble.  I think that this is part of the answer to what I’m trying to say here.  It makes obvious sense, but it’s difficult for many of us to practice, alot or a little.

I’m also reminded that L Word has done a good job in reflecting how lesbian relationships go in the real world.   Is it true that lesbians have the shortest love relationships of all types?  I don’t know if that is true, however, perhaps lesbians take a more carefree or, shall I say, ‘lighter’ perspective on love relationships because our relationships haven’t been taken seriously.  Perhaps we are reflecting the larger mainstream culture.

Until each of us becomes more proud of ourselves and how and who we love, we won’t believe we deserve to share ‘forever’ with a partner.  Until we take back our power we will act in ways that ensure we don’t get to enjoy this experience and all of the benefits it provides.   Now, we all know a piece of paper (a marriage document) isn’t enough to keep a couple together.  However, so many of the rights and benefits conferred by marriage gives couples the types of stability, status, recognition, etc., that many lesbian couples have never tasted with another partner.   

The bottom line is this:  Values and requirements are principles or agreements to live your life by.  They can be used to establish a sense of security, safety or otherwise ‘order’ a relationship.  It’s beyond this post to go into it now, but there ARE some serious positives to being in a happy, long term relationship.  And, happy is a choice, it’s something you craft and tweak, not something that just magically happens.  Creating a thriving life partnership with another woman is also a choice, and, a possibility, whether or not you can legally marry.

So, if you are reading this and you are single, I would advise you to get clear before you START a relationship you want to last a lifetime, what your values and requirements are for that life partnership.   If you want to learn more about doing so, email me.

When you start dating, you must look for a woman who SHARES similar values and requirements.  Then, before you become exclusive with her (meaning:  before you decide to stop dating others or before you decide to move in with her), you will want to make some sort of agreement or pact to willingly, without coercion, live by these shared values. 

Lastly, you will want to do whatever it takes to CONTINUE TO LIVE BY those same values and requirements in your life partnership. 

What do you say about people like Shane who seem to value being ‘non-committal’ or being free to be sexual with whomever strikes their fancy more than they value commitment?  I think women need to be honest about what they MOST value, both to themselves and with others.   If someone truly values this sort of freedom over the ‘work’ of maintaining a relationship, because yes, there will be work, there is nothing wrong with that.  Certainly it’s a good time to be alive because people have more choice in the matter than they did 100 years ago.  100 years ago it was alot riskier for a woman to make such a ‘free spirit’ choice.  And, for a lesbian…well, you can imagine!

However, no one can expect to ‘have their cake and eat it too’.   The other side of Shane’s ways is that she gets what she wants – she’s alone alot.  And, she’s never experienced the long term benefits of staying with someone, say, in the way that Tina and Bette have enjoyed them.

And, sure, Alice could probably go and have a great relationship – at least in the beginning – with the new woman.  Particularly, if she and Tasha aren’t very well ‘matched’ and she and the new woman are.  Shane is not a total boob – she may have a point when she says that perhaps Alice just wants a different kind of relationship than the one Tasha and she are having at the moment.

But if Alice does end it with Tasha now, she’ll never give her and Tasha the chance to experience how it feels to ‘get closer by working it out’…And, in the meantime, eventually Alice and the new woman will reach the same stage in their relationship she and Tasha are in right now: the inevitable conflict stage that all relationships encounter.

Why are values, requirements, priniciples and agreements important to the health and longevity of a life partnership?  Because without them we have chaos, as Nikki says.  Without them, we have L Word drama, to a ‘T’!

Tonight Coach Sappho’s ‘Live, Love and Laugh’ Podcast returns

Be sure to join me for the return of Coach Sappho’s ‘Live, Love and Laugh’ Podcast, which returns tonight, after a one week ‘Easter Break’.  If you’re already a subscriber, you’ll be getting an email reminder soon with all the info you need to attend.

If you aren’t yet a subscriber to Coach Sappho’s ‘Live, Love and Laugh’ Podcast, no problem, it’s free and easy to become one, just go to:

http://www.coachsappho.com/podcast.html

We’ll be talking about events happening in your neighborhood, as well as L Word trivia (with prizes) and love discussions related to the above post.  It’ll be juicy as ever so I hope you’ll join me and other single and coupled lesbians who care about creating the life and relationships they love!

Take care,

Barb Elgin

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Today’s post contains two things:

1)  A reminder that tonight’s the night – Barb Elgin will be hosting Happy Hour at The Red Maple in Baltimore, 5:30-8:30p ET.

2)  Part One of a Two Part Thread:  Monogamy – is it possible or preferable in your lesbian relationship?

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A way to bring people together, the possibilities of enjoying a new
place, meeting new people, and bring the community together!!
THE RED MAPLE — MARCH 27TH 5:30PM-8:30PM
www.930redmaple.com
930 N Charles St # 1
Baltimore, MD  21201
(410) 547-0149

Location: The Red Maple, 930 N. Charles St. Balto, MD 21201

ATTENTION: All Baltimore GLBT Women and Friends – Come on Out
and ‘Swing into Spring’ Happy Hour at the Red Maple!

Thursday, March 27, 2008
5:30p-8:30p ET
The Red Maple
930 N. Charles Street
Baltimore, MD 21201
http://www.930redmaple.com
In the heart of Mt. Vernon!

Yes, it’s true, THE wait is over – a happy hour just for
sophisticated GLBT women in Baltimore has arrived! Here’s your
opportunity to socialize and network with a diverse group of
successful GLBT women at one of the hippest clubs in Baltimore! Come
on out and be seen – re-connect with old friends and make some new
ones too! Drink specials, $4 tapas menu, hip music, cozy
surroundings. Your hostess, business owner Barb Elgin, will greet you

2)  Part One of a Two Part Thread:  Monogamy – is it possible or preferable in your lesbian relationship?

This morning while fixing breakfast at moms, and in between tug-o-war games with my parent’s snorkie Rosie, I happened to catch the Mike and Juliet Show.  This is the first time I’ve ever seen their show.  The topic was compelling: Monogamy-is it possible?  Well, they had quite a panel of guests from across the spectrum, ranging from those believing monogamy on all levels is something you agree to when you marry another person to relationship and sex experts to a prostitute and owner of a legal prostitution business. 

Many great ideas were discussed, more than I can share here.  However, here’s some of the ‘shout outs’ I remember:

• Whatever happened to loyalty?
• People define monogamy differently.
• People (especially men and people with high testosterone levels) want variety and that’s why they cheat.
• I’m a psychiatrist, I’m married and I don’t cheat.
• I came to my wife several years into our marriage and said I wasn’t happy because I needed to be sexual with someone different once in awhile.  Now my wife and I have an agreement that I can have sexual encounters outside our marriage, as long as I only see that woman once (so I don’t develop feelings for that person).
• Hey, how can I, as a wife/partner, ‘match up to’ that prostitute/mistress who is there simply to entertain my partner and do whatever my partner wants(sometimes for a fee)?  Doesn’t this create unrealistic expectations?

I don’t know what the incidence of lesbians paying for sex is, although I assume this is less of an occurrence in the lesbian community!  However, just like straights and gay men, infidelity does occur in lesbian relationships.  To my knowledge, because historically lesbian relationships have been marginalized/shunned/ignored, there probably isn’t any statistics out there on what percentage of lesbians cheat.

Some say what often happens in lesbian relationships is the phenomenon of serial monogamy.  Lesbians who practice serial monogamy tend to start up a relationship or affair with someone outside their primary bond, as a way to leave or transition out of their primary (or previous) relationship.

Why are the subjects of monogamy and infidelity of such interest to me?  As a single woman in her mid 40′s,  the part of me that loves myself the most (my highest self, not just my ego!), is working to help me love myself enough to attract into my life a relationship that is satisfying on all levels, including sexually. 

For those of us who are survivors of infidelity (the ones cheated on),  we need to deeply look at what we did to create that experience so we don’t again invest all of ourselves on all levels in another relationship that doesn’t provide you with an equal (or even greater) ‘return’. 

For example, I know how I tick and what I need.  I’m more clear about that than ever.  I know that I am in the process of learning to respect myself enough to create a relationship where the communication is so open and healthy that neither one of us experiences anything more than a passing ‘oh, she’s cute’ (or less), when it comes to all lesbians outside of our relationship, because we’re both so busy creating an amazing life together.  Or, if, heaven forbid, one of us does let an attraction go further, that person makes a quick decision, hopefully, to ‘nip it in the bud’ to preserve her primary relationship.

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s post where I continue this compelling thread on monogamy in lesbian relationships.  For example, do you know the one common bond or bind all women, gay or straight, share?  Be sure to read tomorrow’s post to find out….

Thanks for reading…

BE well,

Barb Elgin