First off, before we get our thongs in a twist, is this really true?

I searched online last night for any news in regards to this report.  And, I searched again this morning.  First off, doing the search reminded me how challenging it can be to get the true scoop on what is really happening out there in the real (non-virtual) world.  In today’s internet age, you have to dig because often the top search results tend NOT to be trusted, venerable news sources.

And of course, rumors spread very easily, even more so on the internet, when anyone can slap up anything they want at anytime (and have what they posted found almost immediately).   What’s that tell you?  Also – for some reason, even relatively intelligent people seem to take anything they read online as true, without considering the source.

So far, other than CNN, none of the other, major news networks is saying much, presumably because they don’t have enough information or facts verified yet.  What I can tell, up to this moment (about 12:30p ET), is that neither Rosie nor Kelli has announced publicly they are separated.

CNN reported this past Wednesday that Rosie and Kelli’s publicist admits the couple are ‘having issues’ and they are working through them and will remain a family.  The publicist also states that nothing else will be said about the issue, although I’m sure, as time goes on, information will continue to ‘leak out’.

Other, less credible, shall we call them ‘gossip and entertainment’ sites are saying a lot more about what is supposedly going on.  I won’t repeat what is being said here, because I am not going to contribute to innuendo.

As I am sure you know, celebrity couples always face additional issues because their lives are out there for all to see.  Therefore, if and when a celebrity couple is going through difficulties, including separation or breakup, because of the emotions and potential legal entanglements  involved, it is usually wise for them to keep a low profile and/or not ‘blurt out’ things to reporters.

So, as much as we want to know, let’s give Rosie and Kelli their privacy and the right to share what they want when they want to (if ever).  Given their marriage is apparently not legal, it may be hard for news folks to ferret out the usual ‘public information’ sorts of news we can often see which confirms something, such as a court case, legal paper filing, etc.

On the other hand, it is normal and natural for fans (and even detractors) to smell ‘blood in the water’ and, go at it like Jaws. I’m sure conservative, anti-gay reporters and bloggers are eating this up.  Yes - another gay couple who couldn’t ‘make it’.

It’s also natural for us to have strong feelings and opinions about the few visible gay and lesbian celebrity couples we know about in the media.  As one single lesbian who contacted me wrote,

“They have kids and a legal marriage and, still, they are giving up?  There are lessons to be learned here.  I mean – how could we have seen this coming??  I’m still just shocked.  But all that “stuff” and they STILL can not stay together – what is THAT all about ???  They have the careers, the house, the money, the travel, the kids (4), the actual wedding in California – OMG what else could they do to be more commited ?  BUT THEY STILL FAILED.  How does that happen ??  Wish I knew – if anyone had a “fairy tale” relationship it was those two – I’m still in ‘shock and awe’ of this news !!!”

I think a lot of gays and lesbians are feeling this way.  So, what if it is true? What if Rosie and Kelli are breaking up?

Well, I have many thoughts and feelings about a post ‘Rosie and Kelli’ world.  Number one is the fact that couples, including celebrity couples, break up everyday.  In fact, I don’t know if there are any studies on the subject, but I would expect celebrity couples have a much higher break up rate than the rest of us.

If Rosie and Kelli are breaking up, perhaps it goes to show that ‘stuff’ is not what makes a relationship.  You can have all the stuff in the world and still see your relationship crumble.  But, again, we don’t know the details.

More important to comment on, when it comes to my single lesbian reader, are other, underlying thoughts and feelings that such news brings, such as…

• Fear/frustration – being reminded how difficult it can be to grow and sustain a lasting relationship in today’s world.
• Helplessness – wondering ‘why bother to go through all it takes to find a relationship if it’s not going to last?’
• Hopelessness – asking oneself, ‘is it possible to find a relationship that lasts’?
• Anger – lamenting ‘why can’t Kelli and Rosie ‘find a way’ to stay together’?

This last emotion, anger, is common for most of us, who may personalize it a bit too much when one of the few ‘out’ celebrity gay or lesbian couples split.  We personalize it to our detriment because our lives are not like Rosie and Kelli’s at all.  Perhaps all we share in common is sexual orientation.

Secondly, it’s not fair to Rosie and Kelli to put them up on such a pedestal.    They are, ultimately, as human as we are, when it comes to managing a relationship, over time.

Just because a couple is a celebrity, that doesn’t mean their relationship is perfect.  Seems so obvious, but we often over look that fact.

It has been my experience (personally and professionally) that couples together about the amount of time Rosie and Kelli have been (and at their ages), are normally vulnerable to problems.   Both women are in (or nearing) what we at least used to call ‘midlife’.  That time when many women re-evaluate who they are and what they want.

Their oldest child – Parker – is now 14 and another, Chelsea, is on the brink of teenage-hood at 12.  Their youngest – Vivienne – is six.  That’s the beginnings of school age and greater independence for her, isn’t it?  So, perhaps both women now have more time to think (or DO) something about any dissatisfaction.

After awhile, in any long term relationship, chronic, unresolvable problems can get tiring (instead of remembering you agreed to live with the good days and the bad, as in ‘in sickness and in health’, you know those ‘ancient’, ‘quaint’ values married couples of years past ascribed to more often than we seem to do today).

Or, you can get into a rut (and/or take what’s going well or the gifts your partner brings to your relationship, for granted).

Chronic communication problems may have taken their toll (instead of the two of you finding ways to improve your communication or, even learn to laugh off those things that never seem to change).

Simply put: perhaps Rosie and Kelli are at a crossroads. If so, and if they are tired of it being what it is, they like any couple will feel either the need to make it better or let it go.

So, to answer my reader’s question ‘what are the lessons here?’, I would say:

• If you are friends or fans of Rosie and Kelli, and you haven’t already, reach out with love to them (instead of reading, or contributing to, the rumor mill).  Send them your well wishes, no matter what the truth is.  In fact, more than ever, they probably need the support.
• If you are in a relationship, and you don’t have other coupled friends to confide in and turn to for support, maybe now is the time to build that type of support into your life.  If you want ideas for how to do so, let me know.
• Relationships are constantly shifting – at any moment your relationship is either thriving, just surviving or worsening – which one is it?
• No matter what’s going on in your relationship, if something is going on that you don’t like, you CAN do something about it.
• Instead of placing all of your hopes and dreams about love on the few ‘out’ gay and lesbian celebrity couples, start looking for role models of healthy gay and lesbian couples in your own community.  Find a local gay couples chapter or, if there isn’t one in your area start one.  Or, connect with national groups fostering support of the success of gay relationships.
• Sometimes, no matter what, for better or for worse, a relationship ends.  Many times however, relationships can be healed and saved.  However, couples must be willing to DO something before it’s too late.
• If you are single, keep the faith.  Learn all you can about what sustains relationships and how to search and date in ways that help you identify a partner you can build a deeply satisfying, lasting relationship with in this lifetime.

I’m sure I’ll say more on this topic as the situation emerges.

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach and Matchmaker.  Be sure to stop by www.coachsappho.com, pick up your FREE gifts as well as to learn about our exciting new singles club for lesbians and our community for lesbian couples.

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© Copyright 2009, Barb Elgin.  All Rights Reserved.  Feel free to forward this article as long as attribution remains intact.

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.