I enjoyed the interview immensely. Rosie was her usual charismatic self. With a dollop of humility even. A friend of mine asked if she ‘talked bad about anyone’ as apparently that might have been some of the hype to get people to tune in.

No, Rosie was a class act throughout the show. She obviously has mellowed in many respects. O’Donnell shared details on the infamous quitting incident with Barbara Walters and Elizabeth Hasselbeck on The View and she also shared why she believes she and Kelli O’Donnell decided to divorce.

A great deal of Oprah’s interview and questions revolved around Rosie and her role as mom to her four children, including how she and Kelli are co-parenting them now that they are apart. Rolled into this discussion was Rosie sharing a clip from her movie on ‘A Family is a Family is a Family’.

Rosie also shared an interesting tidbit about the addiction to being a celebrity that was the subject of her book Celebrity Detox.

Rosie also reminded Oprah that she really wouldn’t be able to understand what it’s like to ‘withdraw’ from being in the spotlight until she steps back and leaves the stage. I thought this a most fascinating part of the interview and wished they’d had more time to discuss the issue.

Lastly, Rosie shared how she is now learning to move beyond the ‘glass half empty’ experiences of her life, such as the fact her mom died when she was only 10 and that she always thought she too would die by the age of 40. She has a new girlfriend named Tracy and is working with her to find a way to put their two lives together. Tracy lives in Texas and has six children of her own, many of them adopted or in foster care.

Finally, Oprah announced to the studio audience that Rosie was giving everyone a Sirius XM radio!

Yes, I hung on every word, given I admit my interest in the lives and opinions of celebrities like Rosie and Oprah! No, my life is very different from theirs, but I see many parallels and found their discussion inspiring.

How about you?

We hope you can join us during the live shows, but, if you can’t, be sure to pick up your free copy of Coach Sappho’s Podcast for listening when it’s right for you.  All podcast subscribers get free copies of all of our podcasts.

Speaking of which, I’ll be leading this coming Thursday’s show.  Donna has some important activist work to do that she’d committed to before I changed our podcast day and time.  Donna will be back for our 2/18 show.

I hope you’ll join me on the live call.  It’ll be our Valentine’s Show.  I’ll be dishing tips for singles (Valentines is often a challenging time for singles) and couples and talking about the other great holiday the GLBT community celebrates during Valentine’s – Freedom to Marry Week.

First off, before we get our thongs in a twist, is this really true?

I searched online last night for any news in regards to this report.  And, I searched again this morning.  First off, doing the search reminded me how challenging it can be to get the true scoop on what is really happening out there in the real (non-virtual) world.  In today’s internet age, you have to dig because often the top search results tend NOT to be trusted, venerable news sources.

And of course, rumors spread very easily, even more so on the internet, when anyone can slap up anything they want at anytime (and have what they posted found almost immediately).   What’s that tell you?  Also – for some reason, even relatively intelligent people seem to take anything they read online as true, without considering the source.

So far, other than CNN, none of the other, major news networks is saying much, presumably because they don’t have enough information or facts verified yet.  What I can tell, up to this moment (about 12:30p ET), is that neither Rosie nor Kelli has announced publicly they are separated.

CNN reported this past Wednesday that Rosie and Kelli’s publicist admits the couple are ‘having issues’ and they are working through them and will remain a family.  The publicist also states that nothing else will be said about the issue, although I’m sure, as time goes on, information will continue to ‘leak out’.

Other, less credible, shall we call them ‘gossip and entertainment’ sites are saying a lot more about what is supposedly going on.  I won’t repeat what is being said here, because I am not going to contribute to innuendo.

As I am sure you know, celebrity couples always face additional issues because their lives are out there for all to see.  Therefore, if and when a celebrity couple is going through difficulties, including separation or breakup, because of the emotions and potential legal entanglements  involved, it is usually wise for them to keep a low profile and/or not ‘blurt out’ things to reporters.

So, as much as we want to know, let’s give Rosie and Kelli their privacy and the right to share what they want when they want to (if ever).  Given their marriage is apparently not legal, it may be hard for news folks to ferret out the usual ‘public information’ sorts of news we can often see which confirms something, such as a court case, legal paper filing, etc.

On the other hand, it is normal and natural for fans (and even detractors) to smell ‘blood in the water’ and, go at it like Jaws. I’m sure conservative, anti-gay reporters and bloggers are eating this up.  Yes - another gay couple who couldn’t ‘make it’.

It’s also natural for us to have strong feelings and opinions about the few visible gay and lesbian celebrity couples we know about in the media.  As one single lesbian who contacted me wrote,

“They have kids and a legal marriage and, still, they are giving up?  There are lessons to be learned here.  I mean – how could we have seen this coming??  I’m still just shocked.  But all that “stuff” and they STILL can not stay together – what is THAT all about ???  They have the careers, the house, the money, the travel, the kids (4), the actual wedding in California – OMG what else could they do to be more commited ?  BUT THEY STILL FAILED.  How does that happen ??  Wish I knew – if anyone had a “fairy tale” relationship it was those two – I’m still in ’shock and awe’ of this news !!!”

I think a lot of gays and lesbians are feeling this way.  So, what if it is true? What if Rosie and Kelli are breaking up?

Well, I have many thoughts and feelings about a post ‘Rosie and Kelli’ world.  Number one is the fact that couples, including celebrity couples, break up everyday.  In fact, I don’t know if there are any studies on the subject, but I would expect celebrity couples have a much higher break up rate than the rest of us.

If Rosie and Kelli are breaking up, perhaps it goes to show that ’stuff’ is not what makes a relationship.  You can have all the stuff in the world and still see your relationship crumble.  But, again, we don’t know the details.

More important to comment on, when it comes to my single lesbian reader, are other, underlying thoughts and feelings that such news brings, such as…

• Fear/frustration – being reminded how difficult it can be to grow and sustain a lasting relationship in today’s world.
• Helplessness – wondering ‘why bother to go through all it takes to find a relationship if it’s not going to last?’
• Hopelessness – asking oneself, ‘is it possible to find a relationship that lasts’?
• Anger – lamenting ‘why can’t Kelli and Rosie ‘find a way’ to stay together’?

This last emotion, anger, is common for most of us, who may personalize it a bit too much when one of the few ‘out’ celebrity gay or lesbian couples split.  We personalize it to our detriment because our lives are not like Rosie and Kelli’s at all.  Perhaps all we share in common is sexual orientation.

Secondly, it’s not fair to Rosie and Kelli to put them up on such a pedestal.    They are, ultimately, as human as we are, when it comes to managing a relationship, over time.

Just because a couple is a celebrity, that doesn’t mean their relationship is perfect.  Seems so obvious, but we often over look that fact.

It has been my experience (personally and professionally) that couples together about the amount of time Rosie and Kelli have been (and at their ages), are normally vulnerable to problems.   Both women are in (or nearing) what we at least used to call ‘midlife’.  That time when many women re-evaluate who they are and what they want.

Their oldest child – Parker – is now 14 and another, Chelsea, is on the brink of teenage-hood at 12.  Their youngest – Vivienne – is six.  That’s the beginnings of school age and greater independence for her, isn’t it?  So, perhaps both women now have more time to think (or DO) something about any dissatisfaction.

After awhile, in any long term relationship, chronic, unresolvable problems can get tiring (instead of remembering you agreed to live with the good days and the bad, as in ‘in sickness and in health’, you know those ‘ancient’, ‘quaint’ values married couples of years past ascribed to more often than we seem to do today).

Or, you can get into a rut (and/or take what’s going well or the gifts your partner brings to your relationship, for granted).

Chronic communication problems may have taken their toll (instead of the two of you finding ways to improve your communication or, even learn to laugh off those things that never seem to change).

Simply put: perhaps Rosie and Kelli are at a crossroads. If so, and if they are tired of it being what it is, they like any couple will feel either the need to make it better or let it go.

So, to answer my reader’s question ‘what are the lessons here?’, I would say:

• If you are friends or fans of Rosie and Kelli, and you haven’t already, reach out with love to them (instead of reading, or contributing to, the rumor mill).  Send them your well wishes, no matter what the truth is.  In fact, more than ever, they probably need the support.
• If you are in a relationship, and you don’t have other coupled friends to confide in and turn to for support, maybe now is the time to build that type of support into your life.  If you want ideas for how to do so, let me know.
• Relationships are constantly shifting – at any moment your relationship is either thriving, just surviving or worsening – which one is it?
• No matter what’s going on in your relationship, if something is going on that you don’t like, you CAN do something about it.
• Instead of placing all of your hopes and dreams about love on the few ‘out’ gay and lesbian celebrity couples, start looking for role models of healthy gay and lesbian couples in your own community.  Find a local gay couples chapter or, if there isn’t one in your area start one.  Or, connect with national groups fostering support of the success of gay relationships.
• Sometimes, no matter what, for better or for worse, a relationship ends.  Many times however, relationships can be healed and saved.  However, couples must be willing to DO something before it’s too late.
• If you are single, keep the faith.  Learn all you can about what sustains relationships and how to search and date in ways that help you identify a partner you can build a deeply satisfying, lasting relationship with in this lifetime.

I’m sure I’ll say more on this topic as the situation emerges.

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach and Matchmaker.  Be sure to stop by www.coachsappho.com, pick up your FREE gifts as well as to learn about our exciting new singles club for lesbians and our community for lesbian couples.

Does your business serve lesbians? If so, and you want to spread the word, join Lez Do Biz! a free, online network for businesses who serve lesbian, bisexual and transgender women.

© Copyright 2009, Barb Elgin.  All Rights Reserved.  Feel free to forward this article as long as attribution remains intact.

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

I’m a New Mommy!

That’s right – I arrived home from my trip with a bundle of joy – my miniature pinscher Ruby.   Ruby is 15 years old and remarkably well for that age.  She’s already loving her new home.  In fact, she is lying right beside my feet right now, snoring away!

Ruby is one of my ‘furkids’ from my previous relationship.  My ex is busy busily caring for her other sick dog (Cupid) and her very ill mom.  And, I was truly ready for Ruby now.   So I agreed to take custody of ‘the Rube’. 

Ruby and I had a rough first night together in a hotel room near ‘South of the Border’ (the South Carolina/North Carolina line).  Ruby was missing her familiar surroundings, Cupid and her mommy.  And, to make matters worse, there was a full length mirror in the room that scared her!

I’m happy to report it’s been pretty ’smooth sailing’ since that first night.  She’s adjusting very well in my home.  She’s already a hit with the neighbors, chased a lizard and taken her first golf cart ride!

Phew!  I’ve had an enjoyable, restful and yet busy, week back home.  I’ve only begun to scratch the surface of getting settled, however, Ruby and I are enjoying some fantastic fall/winter prelude weather here in Central Florida (mid 80’s during the day, light breeze, low/no humidity).  I consider the break in the heat a blessing for Ruby as her body is no doubt adjusting to the southern clilmate.

Rosie O’Donnell:  Aren’t we glad she’s a bigmouth???

Yesterday, I took a few minutes away from unpacking to watch Rosie O’Donnell on The View.  I love how natural and, well, AUTHENTIC Rosie is on the show.  Now, of course, right wing activists are probably saying she’s ‘making it political’ or ’shoving her gay rights/lifestyle in the public’s face’ but Rosie is just being herself instead of hiding.

I hear Rosie brought her wife, Kelli, to her first show and, pointed her out in the audience.  And, yesterday she took an opportunity when one of the hosts referred to couples as ‘he and she’ to say, “…and for some of us it’s ‘he and he’ or ’she and she’.” The other hosts naturally mention their spouses, children and families too, when their personal lives relate to whatever it is they are discussing, so why should Rosie be any different?  I think Babs Walters was quite the slick one in selecting Rosie for the show.  I for one am so grateful to Babs!

Secrets to keeping your love alive…

Today, I caught some of the Ellen Degeneres show and one of her guests was Ashton Kutcher.  What a breath of fresh air he is!  Ashton, who is on the cover of this month’s Details Magazine, was called ‘perhaps the best husband there is’.  When Ellen asked him why he said, ‘because I have the best wife in the world’.  He also mentioned one of the secrets to their success (they’ve been together four years and they just celebrated their first wedding anniversary) is to…

KEEP IT NEW (or you’re through)

I thought this great wisdom from the mouth of a mere babe in the woods of love and romance.  Sounds counterintuitive doesn’t it?  Why in the heck do you have to worry about ‘new-ness’ when one of the main reasons you entered a committed relationship was to enjoy the comfort of the familiar.

However, familiarity can breed contempt.  And, as many of us who coach or counsel couples know, contempt is one of the so-called ‘Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse’, those dreaded grim reapers that will kill a relationship.   So, keep in mind, all things being equal, the more familiar you get with your amour, the more likely you are to fall into behaviors that can threaten the long term satisfaction and success of your relationship.   I said ‘more likely’, which means it doesn’t have to be that way, it’s just that most relationships tend towards ‘chaos’ without attention to what works.

Why does too much familarity threaten relationships?  When we get too comfortable, some of us start taking our partners and our relationships for granted.   Others adopt the attitude that we know all there is to know about our partner.  Both attitudes when acted upon will get us into hot water.

It is my opinion that gay and lesbian couples can be especially at risk if the four horsemen raise their heads because many of us don’t have access to the ties many straight couples enjoy.  Ties such as children, family support and the financial benefits and securities marriage confers.  Ties that reward couples who ride out the inevitable rough spots all long term relationships go through.

However, I’m going to use some ‘tough love’ here:  even though society isn’t as supportive of gay relationships as it is for straight ones, this doesn’t let gay couples off the hook.  And, while most gays and lesbians need to get more involved in changing the system that discriminates against them, real change begins at home and one of the most important things all of us can do to ‘plead our case’ for marriage equality is to share more openly with the world that we are in loving, same sex relationships and live in those relationships with love.

So, don’t get too comfortable or familiar with your partner.   Shake it up…all the time!  New doesn’t have to mean uncomfortable.  In fact, new can be exciting and risky in a healthy way or as simple as approaching your relationship each day with fresh eyes and ears.

What can you do this week to keep it fresh and new with your partner?

And, if you’re single, be sure to make note of this post and be sure to file it away for the days ahead! 

C U soon!

Barb Elgin (Coach Sappho?)

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If you are single or in a relationship and your vision includes forming and nurturing a long term, deeply satisfying life with another person, you will want to check out Coach Sappho?, a unique, ‘members only’ community for gay and gay-friendly singles and couples who are ‘like-minded’ about creating authentic lives and relationships. 

Coach Sappho? offers a number of convenient, fun, wisdom-packed events and opportunities for singles and couples who are open to collaborating with an experienced coach who can help them clarify a powerful vision for where they want their life to go and a plan to help them get there.   If you’d like to learn more, click here.

Or, if you prefer, I offer an initial, complimentary, one-on-one, no obligation coaching meeting, where I invite you to begin building a ‘working’ relationship with me that will help you change your life in wondrous ways.  Just email me and we’ll set up a time that is convenient for us to talk.   In addition to the meeting, I also cover the cost of the phone call!

• visiting our site for the very first time
• a client
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• a member of Coach Sappho’s ‘Creating a Life I Love’ Club

you have now had some experience of Coach Sappho.  Have we enhanced your life?  If you’ve gained in any way from spending time with us, we’d like to invite you to tell others how spending time with us has helped you.  Would you like to spread the joy?  It’s easy to let friends and family know more about us.

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As always, we keep all names and email addresses private.  We will not sell or share any information you or any of your friends or family share with us to any third party without permission, ever!

Thank you for your support!

• Looking on the bright side this week I’d like to congratulate the State of Maine, who became the 16th state to add sexual orientation and gender identity to a Maine law that bars discrimination in employment, housing, credit, public accomodations and education.
• How’s your love life?  If you’ve ever been in a relationship over a year, you know things tend to “cool down.”  But, is it inevitable that they “cool off?”  I’ll never forget what the psychology professor I took a Human Sexuality class with in college said:

Did you know that your biggest sex organ is between your ears!?!

Yes, indeed, is she nuts, now, just what did she mean?  That imagination, mystery and creativity are sexy turn ons!  So, don’t let your brain cells go limp when it comes to sex and intimacy, even if you are not in a relationship (catch my drift!). 

Hate to break it to you but love isn’t all wine, roses and, for some of us, chocolates!  We have to add a dash of brain food in there too once in awhile.

Make time for sensuality in your life, you deserve it (and it’s no doubt great for stress reduction!).  Stimulate your dendrites and they will give you a tingle!

And, if you’re looking for suggestions to jump start your brain, here’s a couple of my favorite books/tapes on the subject:

Hot Monogamy by Pat Love, EdD (book) (audiotape) – excellent ideas delivered in an often humorous manner.  I just love Pat Love!!!

The Whole Lesbian Sex Book by Felice Newman – full of education and information

Or, here’s a simple suggestion that goes the distance:  each of you should make a list of activities you’ve gotten away from doing that you enjoy or that you’ve fantasized about or want to try.  Then, be sure to do one of those activities at least once a week, alternating back and forth.  And, again, if you are a single slinger, make a list and treat yourself.

Champions keep playing until they get it right! – Billie Jean King

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. – Anais Nin

For those of us in the northern hemisphere, spring has sprung!  While it may not feel that way yet (hey – it’s even been dark, chilly and rainy here in Central Florida the past couple of days!), you can bet warm, sunny days are just around the bend.

WHAT’S HAPPENING AT COACH SAPPHO:  Look what Coach Sappho has been cookin’ up for you, to keep you warm and toasty till lady spring pokes her head out:

Famous author, Angela Bonavoglia is Coach Sappho’s “Uncommon Courage” guest for March 2005.

Thursday, 3/31/05, from 7-8pm EST

Coach Sappho’s ‘Creating a Life I Love’ Club’s “Uncommon Courage” guest for March 2005 is a fabulous ally by the name of Ms. Angela Bonavoglia.  I met Ms. Bonavoglia about 18 months ago while interviewing Kathy Itzin, the catholic religious education instructor from Minnesota who had a lifetime achievement award taken back by her city’s bishop when he found out she was a lesbian.

Angela Bonavoglia has just published her latest book, Good Catholic Girls:  How Women are Leading the Fight to Change the Church.  Angela Bonavoglia is an award-winning journalist and author who covers social, health, religious and women�s issues. A previous book on abortion, The Choices We Made, was featured on Oprah. Her feature articles, investigative reports, op-eds, personal essays, and profiles have appeared in Ms. (longtime contributing editor), the Chicago Tribune, Redbook, Mirabella, Cosmopolitan, Newsday, and The New York Times, among other publications.

Angela’s article, “The Church�s Tug of War,” about women as an invisible force for reform in the Roman Catholic Church, was the lead article in The Nation in the wake of the clergy sex abuse scandals of 2002.

I can’t wait to talk with her about how and why she chose the career path she is on today.  Aren’t you curious?  I hope you will join her and I via the teleconference bridge on March 31st for an exciting discussion.  If you have specific questions you’d like me to ask her during the interview, email me so I can prepare.

Click here to read more about Ms. Bonavoglia and her latest book.  Or visit her website: http://www.goodcatholicgirls.com.