TOLERANCE OF ONE’S LESBIANISM

Tolerance is a stage most gays and lesbians also go through.  When you tolerate something you are acknowledging it (versus denying it).  However, all of us know the feeling of ‘tolerating’ something.  It’s not usually fun, and the attitude is akin to ‘grinning and bearing something’ or ‘putting up with someone or something unpleasant’.

Kind of like the friends and/or family members who choose, after many years of knowing the ‘truth’ about us, to continue to say they aren’t happy with our ‘chosen lifestyle’. People who tolerate us may let us bring our partners to family events and, they may even become fond of our partners.

However, it is less likely they will openly acknowledge our partners fully as our ‘spouses’ and they most likely do not view our love relationships as equal to theirs. As far as your own belief about yourself at this stage, it’s not so hot.  When you merely tolerate who you are, you are more prone to accepting negative treatment by others, you may still be hiding your gayness to co-workers, close friends and family, etc.  And, romantically-speaking, because you aren’t feeling a high degree of self esteem, you tend to attract relationships where you are ‘in hiding’, or that are unsatisfying and/or don’t last.

Why do you (and others) do these things?

Because the stage of tolerance still has degrees of denial and shame within it along with a greater degree of ‘lack of awareness’ of who you are and what you want. Then again, if you find yourself (or you find friends and family here), tolerance is infinitely better than it’s opposites: rejection and intolerance.  In fact, if you ask me tolerance and intolerance aren’t that far apart.

ACCEPTANCE OF ONE’S SEXUAL ORIENTATION

At some point, thankfully, for many of us, we come to accept being gay.  Perhaps we grow a bit older and wiser or we grow tired of the hiding or minimizing.  We decide the ‘costs’ of not living more fully are too high.  No longer denying or tolerating ourselves, we poke a truer self out into the world.  Now, we may still stay ‘in the closet’ in places and with people we aren’t completely sure will accept us, however, less and less we care what others think about us.

Getting to this stage in the celebration process is indeed a relief.  In the dictionary, acceptance for our purposes is defined as approval or being ‘well received’.  Sounds good, right?  So why isn’t acceptance enough?  Some of us think this is the ‘end goal’, but, in reality acceptance is merely the beginning of really living!  Yes, there are even better days ahead, if we are willing to stretch ourselves a bit more.

CELEBRATING BEING A LESBIAN

When I explain the difference between accepting oneself and celebrating oneself, most of my clients get very excited.  My favorite dictionary definitions for celebration are…

• observing with respect and festivity
• praising or extolling
• to make widely known through display

Now do you see (and feel) the difference between acceptance and celebration?

Wow, while acceptance is, what I would call the ‘Jr.’ version of ‘having it all’, celebration is truly ‘having it all’ in my book. The thought of actually celebrating oneself, like one does on their birthday or when enjoying a great achievement sounds very cool.  Then, for some, fear creeps in.

How in the world, many ask, can I feel this good?  Is it possible?  Is it realistic? Yes, actually living from a space of celebration about who you are is realistic and very do-able.  You do have to be willing to let go of your fears of how others will receive you.  However, the rewards are great.  Consider feeling, for the first time, that you are just another variation on the theme of life and love?  No better than anyone else, but equal to your heterosexual parents, siblings, friends, etc.

Consider also feeling, for the first time, that being gay or lesbian is natural, normal and, even, wonderful!  Like straight people always assume they are. For those of you who ARE psychologically impacted by your environment (and all of us are to some degree), surveys of course have their limits, but one I noticed recently might give you hope and raise your ability to celebrate yourself for being GLBT.  That’s right – a recent (October 2008) Harris Interactive Poll found that

“…nearly nine out of 10 (87%) heterosexuals said that if someone were to come out to them as gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender, it would have a positive or no impact on how they would view gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender people. The survey also revealed that two out of three (67%) heterosexual adults agree that if someone they knew is gay or lesbian, they’d want that individual to be open and honest with them about it, rather than feel the need to hide who he or she really is.”

Wow!  I know that poll instilled more hope in me.  How about you?  Be sure to read details of the poll here.

THE CONNECTION BETWEEN CELEBRATION AND DEEPLY SATISFYING, LASTING LOVE: Why isn’t acceptance or, even, tolerance enough?

I began this two part post talking about the concept of readiness and how celebrating one’s sexuality and deeply satisfying, lasting love goes hand-in-hand.  Just how so?  Here are some of my thoughts on why getting to the stage of celebrating your sexuality will help you on your journey of love…

• The more you celebrate your sexuality, the better you feel about yourself.  Any remnants of shame ‘fall way’.
• The better you feel about yourself, the less you ‘tolerate’ a life that isn’t brilliantly full.
• The less you tolerate a life that isn’t brilliantly full, the more exciting and purposeful a life you envision.
• The grander the life vision you pursue, the more excited you become about fulfilling your purpose in this lifetime.
• The more excited and into your life vision you become, the more you love you and your life.
• The more you fall in love with yourself and your life, the more attractive you become in the world.
• The more attractive you become in the world, the more you attract others to you and, if you are in a relationship, the more attractive you are to your partner.

If you are coupled, living a celebratory life, you are able to sustain, even when times are tough, an attitude of graciousness and hope.  You choose to see what is positive about yourself and your partner if you are coupled.  You choose to celebrate all that is the two of you.  The beautiful things you’ve created together.  Despite the hard moments, you appreciate and relish how one + one =’s more than two!

If you are single, you choose to stay busy, creating a life YOU love, whether or not another person has as of yet appeared to build an amazing future together with, because you trust in time that will occur.

Single or coupled, when you celebrate who you are, you think enough of yourself to fill your life with activities and people who celebrate who you are along with you! I don’t know about you but I’ll choose celebration over acceptance any day!  How about you???

How Coaching Can Help Me

What Current and Former Clients Say About Working with Barb Elgin/BE A Success

Currently, Barb Elgin/BE A Success offers the following three, individual coaching packages.    All packages include any combination of telephone, email and instant messaging YOU desire, making our work together easily accessible and flexible for you and your schedule. 

If you can’t find a package that meets your needs, please contact Barb Elgin to arrange a plan that will work for you.

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The ‘CEO’ Coaching Plan – for the person wanting to work on multiple areas, who wants to make rapid progress, whose life is complex or stressful or who simply values the highest level of personal and professional support.

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