One of my ‘single but dating one woman exclusively’ community members wrote me upset today as she is discovering what gay marriage activists have been squawking about for awhile now.  Yes, it’s true, I wrote, gay couples lose out financially in multiple ways when they can’t marry.  Even if a gay or lesbian couple is married in the five states where it is now legal or, signs on for those so-called domestic partnership benefits some local governments are allowing, it’s a ‘crumb’ compared to the whole loaf of bread straight couples receive.

I followed up on my community member’s request by locating one of the original papers written summarizing this inequality – Tax Implications for Gay Couples – by Goldberg and Badgett at the UCLA William’s Institute.  Another great piece that describes how these inequities play themselves out in the lives of real flesh and blood gay and lesbian couples is described here in an interesting NPR piece entitled ‘With the Gay Tax Love Doesn’t Come Cheap’.

As the author of the NPR piece eloquently states,

“The media’s primary focus on the morality debate around same-sex marriage means that most of the public, gay or straight, knows little about the very real economic costs of inequality. It doesn’t matter that Joan and I married in Massachusetts five years ago this week, or that our home state recognizes our marriage. It makes no difference that she works for a progressive company with an active LGBT employees group. Companies pay for their employees’ health insurance with pretax money through a federal program, and same-sex marriage isn’t federally recognized.”

What I find interesting about all of this is that, as gay and lesbian individuals start to value themselves and their relationships more, hearing facts like the above ‘hits home’ in ways they never have before.  Ten years ago, I know I didn’t yet comprehend the real financial ‘benefits’ I was being denied as a tax-paying, but devoted partner in a long term, committed relationship.  In my heart, I was as married as most of my married straight peers.

Ten years ago most of us didn’t much consider what we were being denied.  Now, we understand the impacts much, much more, particularly as we get older, grow old together and face more and more of the financial vulnerabilities of living and loving as committed couples, parents, families, etc.

Get educated.  Get angry.  Take constructive action.  While ten percent of gay and lesbian Americans can now legally wed their same sexed partner, even they still find their marriages invalidated federally.  We need to overturn nasty laws like DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act) and give 100% of gay and lesbian couples in America federal marriage benefits – now!

Coming across my desk today are two worth-mentioning posts on the all-so-important practical aspects of living and loving – relationship agreements and estate and tax planning.  As lesbian couples become more celebratory of their relationships, they will hunger for this sort of information.  I, as always, am ‘thinking ahead’ for you!

Be sure to check both of these resources out BEFORE you check your Myspace, Facebook pages or post on Twitter today:

• Estate and Tax Planning for LGBT’s – great information, just in time for tax season!  Thanks to my colleagues over at the Lesbian Dating and Relationships blog for the heads up.

• Jaysays interview of Merle Horowitz’s book on ‘cohabitation agreements’.  Thanks to my bud Genia Stevens over at gaywallet.com for this information.

Eat these up!  Your relationship (or next relationship) depends on getting a handle on subjects such as these!   As Jaysays post title sums all of this up perfectly:  “Love is Love, but business is business.”  Whether you accept it or not, and whether you ever get married or legalize your relationship in some way or not, when you join your life with another person, business IS part of your relationship.  Mark my words.

Traditionally, women didn’t often handle the ‘money’ and ‘decision making’ aspects of their love relationships and most of us, as women, still have that ‘limiting belief’ floating around in our subconsciousnesses.  Someone, some may argue it was men, blinded our ancestral sisters to the practical aspects of our love relationships with romantic, ‘happily ever after’ fantasies.

We still believe some of these things, but, we need to stop having our heads in the clouds when it comes to money and love.  We CAN ‘live happily ever after’, however, it takes some planning…

Barb Elgin