“They (my parents) didn’t understand what I was doing…but that’s normal, you know.”
- Mick Jagger, 10/2/07, during Matt Lauer’s interview, speaking of his dad, who recently passed away
Something woke me quite early this morning. Don’t know what it was, perhaps the rain. We’ve got a cloudy, gray, rainy day here in central Florida. Certainly not the norm, but it’s a nice break from the heat and the light!
I realized yesterday that I’ve lasted another Florida summer! In another week or so, I’ll start to enjoy several months of bright, blue, clear, sunny skies, humidity-free temps and that luscious breeze! Yummm…………
I tried but couldn’t go back to sleep, despite the fact I hadn’t gotten at least seven hours of shut eye. So into another day of earthly consciousness I went, focusing in on my ‘labor of love’. I’ve noticed that, when you are engrossed in your ‘labor of love’, whether that is a business, earning a degree, or raising children, it’s common to be ‘contentedly sleep deprived’!
Fanatical about focus
Yesterday I had the pleasure of sharing conversation with a fellow professional. It’s unclear yet what form(s) our relationship will grow into, but at this point there are several possibilities (client, colleague, mentor, etc.). Her current, biggest challenge is, like so many entrepreneurs, buildng a sustainable business.
Through the first few minutes of talking with her it was clear her biggest challenge in doing so is creating greater focus. We talked about the various distractions, particularly today, where we are tempted with an over-stimulated, information-glutted environment.
Self-employment requires the ability to cut through all of the ‘junk’ (I define junk, when you are an entrepreneur, as anything extraneous to your business’ mission). If you can’t create an effective, consistent and efficient system for ignoring what you don’t require/need/want and honing in on what you do, you will – unless you are independently wealthy – be back working for someone else soon (which doesn’t have to be the end of the world, by the way)!
The sharp focus building a sustainable business requires is not for the timid. Making a true commitment to ‘creating a career or business you love’ should motivate you to persevere. You can’t just ‘want it sometimes’. It must become more a part of your being. For me, the commitment rises out of connecting with my passion for ‘leaving a legacy’ and doing what I love. For example, I know, in my gut, that what I have to offer as a solo business person, is incredibly valuable and probably more valuable than working for someone else.
By the way, this same focus and commitment is required if you want to find a life partner who has the desire and the ability to join you in creating a life you both love!
Ask and you shall receive: training your supports to believe in you
In addition to focus and, avoiding the extraneous junk floating around that threatens to weigh or pull us down, many entrepreneurs also let the ‘less than ideal’ support of family of friends dampen our spirits. So, another challenge, or commitment, we must master as entrepreneurs is training our support system to…
- believe in what we are doing
- actively encourage us to continue moving forward to achieve our dream
Creating a fantastic support system for yourself always entails enhancing that system and/or even getting a new support system when necessary!
Teach your parents, siblings, partner, etc., to build you up rather than tear you down. Don’t let them get away with trying to control your life (AKA ‘stealing your fire’).
First of all, don’t take it personally. It’s no accident that those who haven’t lived the life of their dreams struggle with supporting you in living yours. How dare you do what you want? There is always an underlying ‘envy’ in folks who haven’t taken responsibility for making themselves happy. They end up resenting those who do have the courage to do so.
Secondly, call them on it and ask them instead, with compassion, to trust in your brilliance. Let them know how vital it is to your success that they believe in you (and tell you so once in awhile!).
Certainly Mick Jagger’s parents had their moments of horror when what Mick was attempting to accomplish at the beginning of his career became clear. I know that my parents are worried about me, and struggling (too much) to try and dissuade me from realizing my dream.
But look at what Mick ended up accomplishing. And, while he reports his parents wondered what the heck he was doing, he also notes his dad was ‘very supportive’ and is a part of his ultimate success.
By the way, while some of us don’t share the same values Mick does, and some may even dislike his work and style, that’s not the point. What is the point is that each of us gets to live the life he or she desires. Mick has lived a ‘great’ life, in his own way. And, he hasn’t been totally ‘selfish’. His music has made an incredible and lasting impact on our world.
So, we can challenge our loved ones more, with compassion, of course. Because whether we are four or forty, many of us have protected our loved ones from our truths. We’ve let others continue to make offhand comments that are disrespectful or ‘off base’ to us. We allow this to continue because we fear rejection.
Yes, they may go on, not realizing (or having to admit) that they are hurting us with their judgements. They go on, not realizing that they can’t know what’s best for us because we are not them! They go on, not ‘getting’ that it is their role as our support persons to ‘just love us’, not manipulate us to live in their image of who they think we should be.
Trust me, you aren’t being disrespectful. They are! You are the only person who knows what is best for you, who has all of the information needed to make critical life decisions for yourself!
For example, a client of mine was telling me that she called her Dad with some news he needed to know and they got to talking about ‘what’s new’. My client shared with her dad some potentially good news in reference to her business. Instead of him ‘talking that up’ or using the moment to encourage my client, he chose to focus on the practicalities of her situation: are there any benefits? By benefits he meant traditional job benefits such as health insurance and 401k that you may receive when working for someone else. My client states that this is a prime focus for him and her mom lately, she suspects because they do worry about her future financial security.
Now, in the past, she says she would have gotten agitated and perhaps blurt something out about her displeasure with his remark. But, she says she remembered one of our recent discussions about emotional control and she decided to not do that this time. Instead she mentioned a quote she’d heard recently from a famous person about her struggle to earn respect from their parents. A victory for her, I thought – standing in her wholeness, instead of backing down. And doing it with respect.
Authenticity is NOT about hitting those you love over the head with your ‘honesty’ and ‘blunt-ness’ when they don’t ‘get’ you. A great skill to keep in mind when building the relationship of your dreams.
Tame your inner limbic system…
So, my client finished her conversation with her dad and counted it ‘partially successful’ because she didn’t let her limbic system take over (do they call it ‘limbic’ because when it’s in control we ‘lash out of control’ with our limbs!!!???!!!). However, to have been even more successful, we decided she could have asked him to be more supportive and show him how. So, she is now ready to try this one out the next time this sort of thing comes up.
See, we’re responsible for at least 50% here – we’re responsible for getting clearer with others how we want to be treated. We can’t control if someone ‘follows through’, but we also can’t complain or blame others if our relationship isn’t what we want it to be. We’re a ‘work in progress’… 
This client has found that lashing out at her Dad doesn’t work. She is learning she has to craft another way. And, he’s a tough cookie like many men because he doesn’t like ‘touchy, feely’ too much either.
Lastly, trust that, in taking the risk of living your truth, others will summon greater courage to live their truth.
Nelson Mandela quoted Maryann Williamson in 1994, when he gave his inaugural speech:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Does your heart sing?
I’ll leave you with another piece of inspiration shared by one of my singles clients last night…
“I just realized how much my heart has been ‘singing’ lately. And how important that is! For once I am taking care of myself. Making time for myself.” This amazing client is getting the hang of ‘living a life she loves and attracting the love of her life’…I wish the same for you!
Catch you soon!
Barb Elgin
Join Barb and Donna as they welcome very special guest, career coach Paula Gregorowicz, this Thursday, September 16, 2010 at 4p ET on Coach Sappho’s podcast GLBT Talk with Barb and Donna.
Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is a lesbian dating and relationship expert and matchmaker.
