Okay, so I’m stuck inside, the weather’s gorgeous and I’d rather be at the pool playing water volleyball right now (instead I had to settle for being Suzy Homemaker – vacuuming and cleaning the kitchen!  Ha!  Burns calories just as well).

I’m on a writing moratorium today. I’m already committed to getting caught up on my articles for One Good Love’s popular E-zine for relationship-minded gays and lesbians.

I’ve got my doggie lying behind me snoring.  Believe it or not, she’s found a new way to cuddle up to me while I work,  She squeezes her – luckily – small body – behind me on the office chair!  Cute, or what?  If only I could find a woman so loyal and into snuggling!  

And on the TV is the Oxygen channel.  Two, a bit dated, but cute movies have been playing in the background today, as I write.  Both stood out to me as movies for women 40 and up, and they are just as full of true-isms as when they were first released.

The first is ‘Must Like Dogs’, the 2005 movie starring Diane Lane, who is middle aged and back on the singles market.  Online dating was much newer then and was highlighted during this chick flick.

‘Must Like Dogs’ ending was sweet – Diane’s character fell for the guy who was more into her than she was into him.  Well, who knows if she fell for him at the end, but she eventually realized how much he really cared for her and, that hooked her.

The other movie is ‘The First Wives Club’, the iconic, 1996 classic with a bevvy of stars including Bette Midler, Goldie Hawn, Diane Keaton and more.

Having been twice a gay divorcee, I can relate to much of these character’s resentment, even though their exes are men.

The First Wives Club was so popular then and now because it is a story reflecting so many of life’s challenges, when it comes to love…

• betrayal
• going through the stages of loss including denial, anger, resentment and revenge, as well as sadness
• losing confidence
• regaining one’s mojo through a combination of leaning on one’s social supports, learning from others who’ve risen above their loss (ie: Ivana Trump tells them to ‘not get mad, get everything’), laughing through the pain, and moving on with a renewed sense of sexiness and power
• being more confident THIS TIME in love – for example: being more assertive with new partners
• remembering those still struggling with confidence by ‘giving back’ and starting a crisis center for women

Wow – in the movie Bette Midler goes to a gay bar with her newly-out-to-her lesbian daughter and commiserates with a middle-aged lesbian crying over the loss of her 18 year partner to ‘a teenager who weighs 12 pounds’.  Can anyone reading this relate!?!  Ultimately, Bette’s character is finding out that, gay or straight, loves and losses are similar, no matter what a person’s sexual orientation is.

And, by the way, recently, the myth that women over 40 have a lesser chance of finding love than getting hit by a bus was debunked.  This is especially true in the lesbian community.

No, it is true that it’s tough being noticed when you are 40 or over, even in the lesbian community.  In some ways it seems the lesbian social and media scene has become more like the straight and, gay male scene – overly-focused on youth, materialism, partying, etc. This shouldn’t surprise anyone – our community is a reflection of the wider society.

So, the long and short of my meanderings in this post is this: Keep the faith.  In life, in love and, most importantly…IN YOURSELF.

Speaking of this very topic of believing in yourself, I’m offering a FREE 60 minute tele-seminar this coming week (two times – one on Tuesday night and the other on Thursday night) on

10 Steps to Finding Your Soul Mate

It’ll be a lot of fun.  Learn from the comfort and privacy of home.  Ask the love coach (moi!), any question you want about love, dating, getting over your ex, etc.

If you want more information, just email me and I’ll send you details so you can attend.

What does it take to thrive in today’s world as a lesbian woman, single or coupled?

I define thrive as being able to be oneself enough in one’s life so that, if you are a lesbian, you celebrate your sexuality.  You don’t hide who you are.  And that authenticity extends to you and your life in general.

Thriving also means abilities to…

• handle adversity, that is, deal with and rise above all of life and love’s challenges, as you encounter them (and you will)…
• address dating and love relationship issues with skill and confidence (instead of avoidance, false bravado or destructive conflict)
• prevent future problems as best as you can by the way you live (and love) today
• actually become more authentic, loving and strong as a result of dealing with the challenges of being gay

If you are single, you have enough worth to take your time to get clear who you are and what you want, need and require in a love partnership and you only give your heart to another woman who also loves herself enough to be able to love another person, over time, with actions, and when it’s not just based on good feelings at that moment.

If you are in a relationship, you value you, your partner and your relationship enough to really take care of your selves and your relationship.  That includes ‘checking in’ at times with a relationship coach like myself, even if you think things are going great.  For example – are you 100% sure your partner trusts you enough to be honest with you about how happy she is with your relationship?  If you are not (or if you are in denial), your relationship is probably under distress because your partner isn’t as happy as she could be with your relationship.

In today’s news and internet travels I came across a recent book release and a study I thought I’d mention that relate to this vital topic of lesbian women and self esteem:

The first is Caitlin Ryan’s Family Acceptance Project work.  I’ve known of Caitlin for years as an LGBT educator and advocate.  Her current focus on this project is remarkable.

Caitlin is focusing on the impact parental behavior has on their gay and lesbian kids.  She’s showing, through her research, how toxic parental rejection can be.  For those of you with a history of such toxicity from loved ones, you know what it was like.  Gladly, society is now beginning to rationally address this issue.

Caitlin’s latest study found that LGBT youth who are treated in ‘rejecting’ ways by parents are at higher risk of health problems like.  Yes, no duh!  But, isn’t it time someone took the time to map this out so our detractors have a harder time denying the reality?  Be sure you check out Caitlin’s writings and interviews on this subject, by clicking here.  In particular, be sure to check out her brief, great interviews with HRC’s The Agenda and NPR’s All Things Considered, where she talks about the results of her study.

Secondly, on the Today Show this morning I happened to catch an interview with psychologist Cheryl Saban.  I don’t actually know if Saban is affirmative towards gays or not.  I tried to find that out and am still looking (if you know let me know).

But, either way, what Dr. Saban has to say about women and self worth is very worthy!  She’s been through the process herself of gaining self worth (including surviving rape and two divorces) and now, she’s written a book about it that I think is worth checking out, called

What is your self worth?  A woman’s guide to self validation

So, you ask, what do the above two women’s work have to do with your ability to be ‘lovingly smarter’ about your life and love life?  Well, everything, don’t you think!?!

Saban and Caitlin’s words will give you ‘clues’ as to what you can do to becoming more gentle yet strong, loving yet self confident.  So will joining one of our communities at Coach Sappho:  Lez Rendezvous for singles and Lez Be Together for lesbian couples.

For example, if you have emotional wounds from past (or present) family rejection (if you’re not sure just call me and we’ll sort it out), or if you are a caring woman who is still trying to find that balance between being yourself AND being confident, be sure to check out the work of both of these women.

If you are a lesbian woman who didn’t (or doesn’t) get FULL, CELEBRATORY SUPPORT from you loved ones, you absolutely need to start getting better support for yourself.  The good news is that it’s never too late.  Both of Coach Sappho’s communities were designed for the lesbian who ‘gets’ it that ‘going it alone’ is not the answer.

You need this support.  I encourage you to care enough about yourself to go and get this support BEFORE YOU NEED IT!  That’s how you will begin to create that incredible life and relationship you are building for yourself…

Have a great Thursday!

Barb Elgin